How can I ever trust her again?

[fruitshootsandheaves]

I thought me and dd(16) had a really good relationship.
On Friday night she did something really stupid after drinking too much.
without going into detail the police brought her back at 2:15am and we ended up spending all night having tests and examinations.
After 12 hours of tears and police visits it turns out that it wasn't as it first looked and she just got swept along with it all and didn't know what to do. However this means that someone else was wrongly accused.
What really hurts is that she wouldn't tell me what happened. She could have just said you've got it all wrong and we wouldn't have gone through all those horrid hours. She just wanted to hide away and not face it.
I feel such a failure and I'm finding it really hard to talk to her at all today. She has lost quite a few friends because of this and I feel stupid for being so gullible. But I really thought we could talk about anything and now I don't know if I will ever trust her again. It feels so horrible.

[compo]

Ah I feel sad for her
she's lost friends, she must be feeling embarassed already
I would be supportive and tell her your always there to talk to

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

You will trust her again because people make mistakes, particularly when they are foolish teenagers. It won't be hard, she's your daughter, she's not perfect.

[LynetteScavo]

She was drunk/hungover, therefore she wasn't thinking straight.

She is 16....not worldly wise. She has lost friends, and will have to cope with the fall out of her actions within her social circle.

She will have learned a lot in a very short time.

You were there for her because that's your job, and you will be there for her in the future, because you love her, even if you're angry with her now.

[fruitshootsandheaves]

thankyou for making me feel a bit better.
Her friend posted some vile things about her on FB so she has closed her account but I just can't get over how irresponsible she was. We have to go to the clinic for STD tests next as she can't remember if any protection was used.
I can understand why people are cross as someone was arrested who shouldn't have been and it took her so long to explain what really happened. I am also worried that she was so easily manipulated.

[fruitshootsandheaves]

She never accused him though. The whole situation was a misunderstanding and the person who called the police and the police themselves just 'assumed' that was what had happened because she was so upset and still drunk. She didn't think to say 'hang on that's not what happened'. But she should have said something sooner.

I don't think she can apologise in person, from the responses so far the other people involved are not going to forgive and it could get nasty.
Its all such a mess.

[BritFish]

at least she owned up.
its a horrible thing that she did, and she must face the consequences. we all make awful mistakes, and this is one that will make her grow up very quickly.
she will be punished enough by other people, but at least you know that the people she was hanging around with knew right from wrong, this could have ended so much worse and destroying someone's life.

please just be there for her now, as her mother. just dont say anything, just be a shoulder to cry on, shes done an extremely foolish thing and she doesnt need you to tell her that.

you are most definately NOT a failure, we all mistakes, some a lot worse than others, you have not failed her at all only time will heal this im afraid.

[fruitshootsandheaves]

thankyou britfish

[BritFish]

just get through one day at time. big cheesy hug for you

[jaquelinehyde]

She got drunk and did something stupid by not speaking up sooner.

I expect she wanted to speak up much earlier than she did but was probably terrified. I do feel very sorry for her.

It would have taken huge amounts of courage for her to tell the truth.

You need to be grateful that you have bought up a good person who knows when something is wrong and acts on it even when it means making things bad for herself.

I would do nothing but support her and be there for her. You are embaressed as what happened, understandably. She will be devistated and will need you more than ever.

Oh and your trust should be even stronger in her, as she did the right thing. Against all the odds she told the truth. Praise her for that.

[mamas12]

Aw you are in a horrible situation, both of you.
So now damage limitation is as has been suggested You could approach whoever you need to say that your dd is going to apologise in person to them.
That is a hard thing to do and when she does it (with you there for support of course) then they will see how remorseful she is and also what a brave and honest thing to do.
If there are questions she could answer them but as soon as it looks like aggro then leave.

That is what I would do. Always better to face up to these things, you'd be surprised how people react to real apologies. It goes a long way to heal.

[Apollinare]

FSL - are you totally sure that she is the only one in the wrong?
Maybe the other party DID put a lot of pressure on her when she was drunk - not enough to warrant a court case, but not the act of a friend. Its a hard call, have been in that situation about the time of Noah, but I still remember the awful feeling of wanting to go home but dont know how to stop this without looking stupid/ frigid/ prick tease, and just this great hairy lout pawing away! Poor girl, she has all my sympathy.

[fruitshootsandheaves]

I don't know Apollinare, she still hasn't spoken to me about it. I do think that it could have been a bit like that though.
We're walking around almost frightened of each other it seems now
Early on before the situation changed I was told by the police specialist not to push it as she was finding it hard to talk about but I wish now that I had just asked her if she was sure that was how it was. It all would have stopped much sooner, now it seems to be growing into an even bigger problem than it was originally.

[Tortington]

i think you need to have an amnesty. sometimes i use this method when things have gone too far or OTT in a situation with the kids - so we dit down - they do a tell all - and i make no judgements or negative comments.

but its best to know what your dealing with, let her know you are the person to talk to and trust - only from there can you think about if there is any repairation that needs to be done.

[scaredoflove]

Right, you need to find a time - very soon - to be alone with her. Tell her you are going to talk. Make 2 cups of tea and get a box of tissues

You must speak with her! Start off by telling her you love her, finish with the same and a hug

She got into a situation that will be terrifying for her now and she needs her mum to tell her it's all going to be ok

Use this opportunity to discuss the in depth the dangers of drinking to excess (something she is now more aware of sadly) Openly discuss sex with her. She needs to know she has a say and to so say no, speak to her how to go about that. Talk contraception. Let her know she hasn't ballsed things up with you

Please don't skirt around this, she needs you. This is one of her first adult life lessons but she is still a little girl who desperately needs her mum

[fruitshootsandheaves]

Her 'friend' with a few other girls was waiting for DD when she got off the bus from college last night. The incident involved the friends brother.
DD ran to the car and I was cross and I told her she would have to face her sometime but I know she is frightened of getting beaten up as she did get slapped about by her on Friday.
Me and Dh have tried to talk to her but she won't open up. She says its all a blur and can't remember. I am now worrying that it wasn't just alcohol.
Her 'friend' was her best friend and keeps saying she is going to 'get' her.
However one good thing was that tonight when she came home the whole of the back of the college bus was ready to defend her!

[Apollinare]

Well, two positives here: you have a really good relationship with her and she can trust you to be on her side, whatever happened.At least her home is a safe refuge.

Even if it was alcohol plus whatever, she probably wont be touching either for a long time.

She probably needs a coping strategy to deal with the friend, but it needs someone wiser than me to think of one! Maybe if she says "OK, if you want to get me, get me" and keeps on walking, the friend won't. Hopefully. And she certainly wont in front of you. The fear is always worse than the reality.
At least everybody breaks up for Easter on Friday, a bit of cooling off time for everybody.

Have thought a lot about your situation and will definitely be having a converation with my 16 yr old about how she will cope if she is in the same predicament.