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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

15 year old - worried

44 replies

gonnabehappy · 09/03/2010 09:18

Hi

My son is nearly 16 and currently doing his GCSEs. He is a bright lad and was heading towards a clear round of A*.

Life has gone downhill rapidly over the last few months and last week I found texts and proved he was using weed. He is also smoking, pinching money from me and stealing my prescription drugs (anti depressants and beta blockers). The evening of the row he swore and pushed me around, and had a physical fight with his dad when his dad stopped him pushing me around. Anyway to cut a long story short he is grounded, for two months but can be 'released' after a month if he demonstrates a certain amount of respect. He is also being stopped one months allowance.

Since this he has understandably shut himself off more and more from us. He no longer comes downstairs unless it is to grab food (sometimes he will eat meals with us as well). He is very very depressed - perhaps withdrawal; I don't think so I don't think he had a long enough, heavy enough habit.

This morning he pointed out that he had no incentive to clear his room (it stinks!) as he was not allowed out anyway. He also told me that I was making things worse and he did not think excluding him from his friends was likely to produce the kind of behaviour we are seeking. He left for school very tearful and angry.

So now what?

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gonnabehappy · 09/03/2010 10:51

Have posted in AIBU to get off the cuff remarks but would still value measured responses from people who love teens.

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maryz · 09/03/2010 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 09/03/2010 11:02

well i have a dd of same age so not had the boy stuff yet

maybe he could have a friend round instead of going out if his room is done up to scratch??

i agree...he needs something to motivate him...but ask him,say ,'how do YOU think we should deal with you being violent to your mum??'

has he said sorry?

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Buda · 09/03/2010 11:04

I don't have any experience as my DS is only 8 but from reading other threads on here and especially advice from Custy, I would sit down with him when he comes home today and say something along the lines of "I know you are not happy and I know you are angry with the punishment - how do YOU feel you should have been punished?"

Open dialogue that way and then ask him why he started taking the drugs in the first place. What feelings was he trying to change. I would also reassure him that you still love him and that it was purely the behaviour you were punishing and that you are scared for him.

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gonnabehappy · 09/03/2010 11:49

Thanks - thinking but have done room for him...think was a mistake

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 09/03/2010 12:02

Is he allowed out if he's with you? If you or DH have any shared interests (or even if not) you could try using his grounded time to reconnect with him as a family. He may not want to spend time with you but if it's that or nothing it might start to sound more fun.

What about going to the rugby/football, having a day out or a long walk or visiting grandparents etc? You need a chance to have a long talk with him one to one, maybe a walk followed by cafe, where you can show that you are on his side and really get a chance to listen to what he has to say. Judging by his remarks this morning he sounds pretty lucid and thoughtful so give him a chance to talk more widely about what his life is like at the moment.

Also remember that however much you are worried, he is probably overwhelmed with worry too about friends, social life, girls/boys, schoolwork, impending exams, his own body image, what he's going to do with his life etc etc etc. It's a shit time but he's still your kid and lovely inside.

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tatt · 09/03/2010 12:29

agree with elephants post. He sounds ready for a sensible discussion about why he has been behaving this way and what is worrying him. Also about why you might think his friends aren't necessarily good for him if he is drug taking. He needs to be encouraged to talk things through with you instead of bottling things up/ hitting out.

He also needs to know where there are boundaries you won't change - so money taken has to be paid back, even if that is more than a months allowance.

You have given him the incentive to clean his room - if he'd done so it would have shown he was sorry for his behaviour and you might have been prepared to cut the punishment short. However rooms are one of the things we don't fuss over - if they want to live in a pigsty just insist the door is closed.

It is a really hard time for teenagers, you need to show you recognise that and encourage/ reward any signs of adult behaviour.

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 09/03/2010 12:41

Can you think of anything that coincided with this behaviour starting? Just it sounds like he has had a major change of mind about how he wants to be. Weed can make people VERY depressed and is probably the greatest ambition-sapper known to man, so has his schoolwork gone downhill too?

I don't know what your parenting style is like but IMO what doesn't help is coming out with a great list of grievances both great and small: "you SMOKE and you YOU STEAL and you DON'T TIDY YOUR ROOM and you TOOK MY BETA BLOCKERS and you are on DRUGS and you PUSH ME AROUND". Faced with a barrage like that he is just going to be defensive. For a start you should focus on the most serious things, and stealing money and drugs and physical violence are very serious. He must know these things are very wrong, and if you can focus on these things you might get through to him. Weed, smoking and untidiness are all more-or-less normal things (however bad/illegal) and part of many teenagers lives.

Try talking to him about what he wants in the future. It's likely that this is just a big blip, but he needs you to see that you are on his side and will help him.

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gonnabehappy · 09/03/2010 13:48

Hard to say. My husband left us for a while in late 2008 and life was difficult last year and is still hard sometimes but then my son is growing up too. My don was diagnosed with mild to moderate Aspergers age 11 and was depressed then but has been do much better since. I do think self medication is relevant, and I have sought out some of your posts Maryz, but I think the struggle to be his own person is more relevant

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 09/03/2010 18:32

Has he got a plan for September gonnabehappy? Limited knowledge of Aspergers (although strongly suspect my brother is somewhere on the spectrum) but does he like things to be under control in some way? If he's not sure what's going to happen to him after school he might be trying to fight against the future and be escapist for a bit.

Doesn't explain the violence though, maybe tackle this with him first. Is he being bullied at school, do you think,or does he have a nice group of supportive friends?

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gonnabehappy · 09/03/2010 20:21

Solid plans for September, local sixth form for 5 AS and then drop one to finish with 4As. Has selected subjects so all good there.

Not sure how supportive his friends are, another complication is that we took in a female friend of his after she had a dreadful time including suicide attempts (good ones). She is here less now as her life becomes more settled but she is clearly involved in drug use (apparently her mother gave my son and his friend there first smoke!). Other friends, just not sure.

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gonnabehappy · 10/03/2010 09:26

Elephants you are so close; I have a dreadful tendancy to make lists of crimes. And, yes it does escalate everything.

Last night he came in late having been working at school, saw his clean tidy room and gave me a big hug and a thank you. We do need to talk/listen and negotiate/compromise but I left it at that yesterday and we had a pleasant meal and evening. Thanks for help yesterday I was so down. As i said on other thead (now finished) It is so hard to get balance between being too authoritarian and too laid back. Will keep trying though.

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 10/03/2010 11:18

Really pleased that you had a nice evening last night. Interesting about his friend. Again not sure if relevant but a female friend of my brother's (when they were aged about 15) became anorexic, and he swiftly started to develop an eating disorder too. Even though he had various problems in his life (teenage stuff) when asked afterwards he put it down to wanting to "see how she was feeling". Could it be something like this with your DS? Even more likely to happen if there is a close friendship/highly strung personal emotions of any kind involved. He might be taking a scientific approach and wanting to "be her" in order to be a better friend and empathise, IYSWIM. Does this make any sense?

Hope you manage to keep things friendly and talk to him on an adult level about what he's up to.

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claricebeansmum · 10/03/2010 11:23

My only advice is keep the lines of communications open, the boundaries firm (I once read teenagers I like toddlers - they want to be told that they can't do stuff because it shows you still care) and only sweat the small stuff...hard I know and elephants advice not to barage with a list of negatives is wise - I don't practice but I aspire too.

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gonnabehappy · 10/03/2010 12:22

You know elephant you may be along the right lines (again). I know he has been not only extraordinarily concerned with his friends troubles but has also spent a lot of time googling various mental health disorders mentioned by CAHMS.

Clarice - thanks for saying you don't always manage to avoid the list too! I guess our reports will say - 'must try harder'!

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 10/03/2010 12:35

God I'm sure all parents do it - I don't have teenagers of my own but no doubt will be the same when I do, they are exasperating after all!

That's interesting - he sounds lovely by the way. Maybe the situation/friend have made him feel that his life is too "perfect" for him to understand what she's going through. One thing can lead to another and suddenly getting into drink/drugs make stuff like stealing and violence a lot more likely IMO. Sounds like you have a generally good relationship so I have my fingers crossed that you can have some really good chats with him and try to restore things. Just one note - please try not to say anything like "I just wish you were my sweet little boy again".

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gonnabehappy · 12/03/2010 16:26

Fuck fuck fuck - sorry just had to do it.

Son got a stack of GCSE results today, all As except for one A*. So all should be great...but he was very late home from school and looks terrible. Pretty sure he has been on the weed. Oh why the bloody hell does he need to spoil things - I was going to treat him and three friends to a pizza takeout tomorrow (although he is still grounded). Oh fuck!!!

PS I have never used the fuck word so often and in any forum. How liberating!

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tatt · 13/03/2010 09:43

Sounds like he was stressed expecting the results - mocks presumably, not GSCEs as such? So tell him he looked terrible and talk to him about it. And get him the pizza, he deserves it.

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 13/03/2010 09:48

Great news about the results!! He's obviously been working hard and I think you should still reward him with pizza tomorrow night (at your house presumably). The fact that he's been on the weed doesn't negate the hard work, so I would want to celebrate one as well as cracking down on the other IYSWIM, or he might get the idea that it's not worth it.

What did he say he was doing after school? Not sure what your arrangements are but is there any way you could threaten (on Sunday maybe) that if he doesn't come home straight after school every day next week you or DH will be there to meet him at the school gates? He wouldn't want that I bet!

Maybe on Sunday - it is mother's day after all - he will be being all nice to you and it might be a good chance for you two to get some time to talk about things. Have you got other DC?

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gonnabehappy · 13/03/2010 10:00

Hi have calmed down a little. I did ask where he was and why shoes were muddy (they go to woods to smoke) came up with a story I did not challenge. These are real gsce papers so he has done well and deserves a pizza. Not possible to enforce coming home from school times as whenever possible he does some work in the workshops after school, this will only be the case until Easter though I think. He has two younger brothers. I think the 12 year old will have dabbled or will be considering itso do need to send very strong message. It is all so hard.

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 14/03/2010 11:53

It's going to be an uphill struggle trying to convince teenagers not to smoke. Did he admit the smoking (weed) in the first place? I've got some horror stories of friends with paranoia and schizophrenia caused by too much weed (in their opinion, and their doctors'), but it would just scare you and he would think it would never happen to him.

I do think one less confrontational way to deal with it is to give him less time to do it IYSWIM. The biggest potheads I know were either openly allowed to do it by their parents, or their parents never kept any track of where they were and what they were doing. Lots of people smoke at parties and things but IMO (not a user myself) this is more acceptable than after school, esp at his age. What's the school like on drugs? Would he get expelled if he was found smoking by a teacher for example? Maybe horror stories are a good idea after all. It probably just seems like a big of harmless grown-up fun to him and you might need to show him the dark side of it all.

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GardenPath · 14/03/2010 19:29

Teenagers! Don't you just love 'em? This is my experience re the weed, Gonnabehappy. I'm not suggesting you do the same but make of it what you will. I have six children - five of whom are now adults, from 24 to mid-thirties (still have one 14 yr old boy). The five older ones all toked like steam trains as teenagers and a couple of them still do the odd puff on occasion (though none of them now smoke cigarettes at all). I was not naive enough to think they wouldn't, as someone else said - it's part of being a teenager and speaking as someone who grew up through the 60's and 70's, it's hardly new. When they were younger I'd express disapproval (as you do) and tut tut if I caught them smoking weed/solid in their rooms (it wasn't as if they could pretend it was jossticks - I'd been there first!). I didn't go ballistic, (fine one to talk!) - I didn't have the energy and they outnumbered me (!) and I knew they'd just go down the rec with their mates instead, and perhaps having smoked myself I knew what I was dealing with so it held no great fear. Yes, I know it's illegal, but I'd rather have had them under my roof doing it than in some dingy dealer's bedsit being offered all sorts of other far more alarming goodies. I knew where they were and what they were doing - and not doing - a big plus with teenagers. Anyway, whatever the good or bad of it, that's my real-life experience with real-life kids, in vividly brutal technicolour. However, in spite of having such a slatternly mother all but one (he chose not to) went on to Uni and came out with at least a 2/1. They all have pretty good jobs (one, ironically, is a Police Officer) and are all only struggling with the 'thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to' like the rest of us poor saps.
The violence - well, I've had a bit of that too - and I bet he felt rotten afterwards - he's 16, rampaging hormones, he's not a child but not quite an adult - apron strings and the cutting thereof etc - and you are only human - that's not a bad lesson for them to learn, either. Your prescription drugs - he's probably selling them to his mates; don't be alarmed, they do that - I would suggest you just hide them or you won't have enough to get you through the rest of his teens. Actually, have you thought of trying something herbal yourself? Sounds as if you could do with it.
Hope he enjoyed the pizza....

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gonnabehappy · 15/03/2010 11:54

I don't know whether to laugh or cry! Today is my stop smoking day (on Champix), have just found cigs in the middle of son's floor!

Need a Crystal ball - how to tell difference between 'normal' and going right off the rails?

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mumblechum · 15/03/2010 14:11

Garden path, I love the excellent advice you've been posting over the last few days but can you please do me a favour and use paragraphs?

Ta GP

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Bonsoir · 15/03/2010 14:18

What activities outside school does your DS have?

IMVHO, teens usually get up to no good when they are bored.

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