I have a complete lack of communication with my parents. I feel that they are strict and make my life difficult for no reason and I cannot see what I have ever done to antagonise them. It is probably not their fault but I really don't think that they love me or really care for my wellbeing at all. Is it simply that they cannot deal with the fact that I am growing up?
I am seventeen, I still live at home, and go to college full time. I am studying for three A2s in English Lit., History and Law and planning to go to uni after a gap year. I already hold an offer from Exeter but feel like I want to try again for a better offer, closer to home and cheaper halls etc., next year. I did get rejected from Oxford. I work extremely hard and am a straight A student. I was also Head Girl at my school. They are not at all interested in my college work or anything, they do not show any emotion when I get As, though I would be interrogated as to why my grades had slipped should I get anything else. They are not proud of my grades, but they do like to attribute them to 'what a fantastic job they have done with me.'
I have a part time job as a waitress in a 4* hotel and after a full day at college I work for at least 6 hours in the evening- starting at 6pm, meaning I often don't get home to past midnight before getting up at 6.30 for college the next day. I also work 12 hours on a Saturday. This was the only job I could find so I am stuck with such heavy hours, though I really enjoy it, and have found a really nice group of people. At the moment I using the money to save up for a car; my driving lessons are £40 a week and any other money goes on saving for a car and insurance. I do not have a social life/drink/spend my money on clothes/anything else apart from £5 on my phone, every penny is saved. They have told me that I must buy a car of my own and insure it, as they will no longer drive me anywhere, but they will not even loan me the extra £300 I know need for insurance.
Work and college is really making me stressed as I have 12,000 words of coursework for various subjects to finish in 3 weeks, yet I have to juggle it with my job. I need the money but also desperately need to spend much more time on my coursework. I am also constantly tired from my job, I work three times as many hours a week as my Mum- she works 8 hours a week at a pre-school, staying at home the rest of the week. My younger brother, 13, is given £20 for phone/clothes etc. even though he puts no effort into his school work, his room is a mess and I had a paper round at that age. I haven't had a penny off them since I was 13. It seems extremely unfair that my Mum stays at home, going shopping twice a week for clothes, when I work so much and don't spend a penny of it, in order to buy the car that they have ordered me to buy! I have explained how much I am struggling, even to get through each day, but my Dad does not talk to me, and my Mum just tells me 'that's the way it is, life is hard'. I hate asking them for money and they know that I wouldn't ask unless I was desperate, yet they still refuse to give me even £10 a week (I don't get EMA) to take some of the pressure off/allow me to reduce my work hours and get a few more hours sleep. I know they can afford it, as my Mum doesn't work, we live in a big house, with nice cars and good holidays (I understand that I am very lucky in that respect). I just want a bit of help as I am so stressed.
When I explain that I think they are unreasonable, they just treat me like a child who is being naughty or rude and make me apologise and go to my room, when actually I feel I am an intelligent 17 year old who is trying to negotiate a bit of help to deal with my extremely stressful lifestyle. They really do treat me like a child, if I come home later than 5pm (45 minutes after I finish college), I am instructed to 'go to my room and think about how disgustingly I have behaved', when actually I will be an adult in 5 months, I hope to have passed my driving test and have a car by the end of April and be independent in that respect. They still do not allow me to be in the house alone with my brother, saying 'we are too young', even though I have previously been left in charge of the hotel I work at, including the 60 guests staying there!
Sorry this is a very long message, but I am hoping that other parents may help explain their behaviour/ give me some suggestions to open negotiations.
The other problem is my boyfriend of 2 years. He is 19, so 18 months older but they still have a problem with him, despite him shaking their hands every time they meet, always wearing a shirt and even two years later, pays for everything for me (understanding my money issues). I know he adores me, I feel the same and we are planning a future together after we have both finished at different universities (though they do not know this). Our relationship is very innocent, we are both still virgins, and intend to be until we marry, as we want to feel that on our wedding day we are truly 'marrying' (though neither of us are religious). I am convinced that my Mum thinks we are having sex as I know she was at my age. However the topic is not spoken of in our house so I am sure she does not realise how moral and sensible we are being. We see each other once a fortnight, and he drives me home for 10pm, yet they act even more hostile towards me; I get the impression, from certain comments they have made, that they think we have spent the whole evening in bed. I hate to think that are thinking badly of us because I adore him and completely rely on him for all the love and affection in my life and he does a fantastic job of being the only person that makes me feel wanted or loved.
Apart from this I have a very happy outlook on life, I always try to do my best at everything, and be happy about life.
This however, really 'gets me down'. I feel very hurt that they treat me like this and would like to have a better relationship with them, especially as I really want our children to have a good relationship with their grandparents.
This is a ridiculously long post, but I would really like the opinion of mums of teens to try and offer some suggestions, both reasons for this behaviour or how to start having a better relationship with them. I no longer talk to my father as he talks to me so rudely, so argumentatively and seems to have such a bad viewpoint of me, and my Mum refuses to be involved in any conflict, prefering to treat me as a 'naughty child' than face that now I am old enough to be affected by their behaviour. I have never had a good relationship with them; they have always been the kind of parents that are there to discipline, rather than talk to, but I would like to have a relationship with them where we respect each other as adults. Surely it is them that is acting like the children when I try to attempt this but am constantly rebuffed? I would really like to think that they cared about me enough to want a relationship with me but they just can't be bothered.
Thank you.
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I am a teen: are my parents reasonable?
57 replies
Differentperspective · 08/03/2010 21:02
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