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Teenagers

I am a teen: are my parents reasonable?

57 replies

Differentperspective · 08/03/2010 21:02

I have a complete lack of communication with my parents. I feel that they are strict and make my life difficult for no reason and I cannot see what I have ever done to antagonise them. It is probably not their fault but I really don't think that they love me or really care for my wellbeing at all. Is it simply that they cannot deal with the fact that I am growing up?
I am seventeen, I still live at home, and go to college full time. I am studying for three A2s in English Lit., History and Law and planning to go to uni after a gap year. I already hold an offer from Exeter but feel like I want to try again for a better offer, closer to home and cheaper halls etc., next year. I did get rejected from Oxford. I work extremely hard and am a straight A student. I was also Head Girl at my school. They are not at all interested in my college work or anything, they do not show any emotion when I get As, though I would be interrogated as to why my grades had slipped should I get anything else. They are not proud of my grades, but they do like to attribute them to 'what a fantastic job they have done with me.'
I have a part time job as a waitress in a 4* hotel and after a full day at college I work for at least 6 hours in the evening- starting at 6pm, meaning I often don't get home to past midnight before getting up at 6.30 for college the next day. I also work 12 hours on a Saturday. This was the only job I could find so I am stuck with such heavy hours, though I really enjoy it, and have found a really nice group of people. At the moment I using the money to save up for a car; my driving lessons are £40 a week and any other money goes on saving for a car and insurance. I do not have a social life/drink/spend my money on clothes/anything else apart from £5 on my phone, every penny is saved. They have told me that I must buy a car of my own and insure it, as they will no longer drive me anywhere, but they will not even loan me the extra £300 I know need for insurance.
Work and college is really making me stressed as I have 12,000 words of coursework for various subjects to finish in 3 weeks, yet I have to juggle it with my job. I need the money but also desperately need to spend much more time on my coursework. I am also constantly tired from my job, I work three times as many hours a week as my Mum- she works 8 hours a week at a pre-school, staying at home the rest of the week. My younger brother, 13, is given £20 for phone/clothes etc. even though he puts no effort into his school work, his room is a mess and I had a paper round at that age. I haven't had a penny off them since I was 13. It seems extremely unfair that my Mum stays at home, going shopping twice a week for clothes, when I work so much and don't spend a penny of it, in order to buy the car that they have ordered me to buy! I have explained how much I am struggling, even to get through each day, but my Dad does not talk to me, and my Mum just tells me 'that's the way it is, life is hard'. I hate asking them for money and they know that I wouldn't ask unless I was desperate, yet they still refuse to give me even £10 a week (I don't get EMA) to take some of the pressure off/allow me to reduce my work hours and get a few more hours sleep. I know they can afford it, as my Mum doesn't work, we live in a big house, with nice cars and good holidays (I understand that I am very lucky in that respect). I just want a bit of help as I am so stressed.
When I explain that I think they are unreasonable, they just treat me like a child who is being naughty or rude and make me apologise and go to my room, when actually I feel I am an intelligent 17 year old who is trying to negotiate a bit of help to deal with my extremely stressful lifestyle. They really do treat me like a child, if I come home later than 5pm (45 minutes after I finish college), I am instructed to 'go to my room and think about how disgustingly I have behaved', when actually I will be an adult in 5 months, I hope to have passed my driving test and have a car by the end of April and be independent in that respect. They still do not allow me to be in the house alone with my brother, saying 'we are too young', even though I have previously been left in charge of the hotel I work at, including the 60 guests staying there!
Sorry this is a very long message, but I am hoping that other parents may help explain their behaviour/ give me some suggestions to open negotiations.
The other problem is my boyfriend of 2 years. He is 19, so 18 months older but they still have a problem with him, despite him shaking their hands every time they meet, always wearing a shirt and even two years later, pays for everything for me (understanding my money issues). I know he adores me, I feel the same and we are planning a future together after we have both finished at different universities (though they do not know this). Our relationship is very innocent, we are both still virgins, and intend to be until we marry, as we want to feel that on our wedding day we are truly 'marrying' (though neither of us are religious). I am convinced that my Mum thinks we are having sex as I know she was at my age. However the topic is not spoken of in our house so I am sure she does not realise how moral and sensible we are being. We see each other once a fortnight, and he drives me home for 10pm, yet they act even more hostile towards me; I get the impression, from certain comments they have made, that they think we have spent the whole evening in bed. I hate to think that are thinking badly of us because I adore him and completely rely on him for all the love and affection in my life and he does a fantastic job of being the only person that makes me feel wanted or loved.
Apart from this I have a very happy outlook on life, I always try to do my best at everything, and be happy about life.
This however, really 'gets me down'. I feel very hurt that they treat me like this and would like to have a better relationship with them, especially as I really want our children to have a good relationship with their grandparents.
This is a ridiculously long post, but I would really like the opinion of mums of teens to try and offer some suggestions, both reasons for this behaviour or how to start having a better relationship with them. I no longer talk to my father as he talks to me so rudely, so argumentatively and seems to have such a bad viewpoint of me, and my Mum refuses to be involved in any conflict, prefering to treat me as a 'naughty child' than face that now I am old enough to be affected by their behaviour. I have never had a good relationship with them; they have always been the kind of parents that are there to discipline, rather than talk to, but I would like to have a relationship with them where we respect each other as adults. Surely it is them that is acting like the children when I try to attempt this but am constantly rebuffed? I would really like to think that they cared about me enough to want a relationship with me but they just can't be bothered.
Thank you.

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Remotew · 08/03/2010 21:19

Phew, that was a long post. Would have been easier to read if you had used paragraphs.

From what you have written you sound like a model daughter to me and your parents sound harsh. Things seem tough for your financially and I can remember being in the same boat when I lived at home, worked and was at college. I didn't drive or own a car until I was working and could afford it. However, I was very independent and never asked for lifts, if I did my dad used to charge me petrol money!

I think you should be considering moving well away when you choose a uni, hopefully then your relationship with your parents will improve on visits home.

It will be tough financially when you leave home too and it does sound like you will be on your own. I have all this to come with DD but she will get EMA and will have to fund herself beyond that as my means are limited. Maybe taking on a car and the expense should be put of hold atm.

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Tortington · 08/03/2010 21:26

jack the job and get the bus.

your qualifiations are more important - you need to study.

get a saturday job for pin money.

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paulaplumpbottom · 08/03/2010 21:33

Maybe you should try living away from home. Maybe you could try the dorms? It would be harder for them to see you as a "naughty child" if you are away from home.

I do think sending you to your room at 17 seems a bit silly.

I'm sure your parents love and care for you.

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Fleegle · 08/03/2010 21:33

Feel for you.

I don't think you are going to change your parents, but you can change the way you respond to them. You may find the 'toxic parents' thread helpful...

I think you should cancel the gap year (who would pay for this?) and get ready to leave home. Think you should cancel the car plans, start saving to be independant and leave for uni. You will need to reduce your hours in work though, in order to concentrate on course work.

Is there a good bus service near you- how do you get home at midnight?

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Differentperspective · 08/03/2010 21:34

Thank you, I really love my job and my manager is happy for me to work for just one day at the weekend, a more reasonable 8 hour day on a Sunday, so that is not a problem.
I need the car however, because I live in the New Forest and the hotel is in the middle of nowhere, and buses stop at 6pm, when I need to get home at midnight, relying on lifts from friends/managers/boyfriend making 10 mile round trips to give me a lift for a 2 mile journey, right now.

I am really looking forward to university, I think I will be able to prove that I am capable of being independent. Part of the problem seems to be that they don't think I am capable of life without them e.g. cooking, washing etc.which is probably true.

And yes, I do talk alot, hopefully this is a better attempt at paragraphs! Thank you!

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Differentperspective · 08/03/2010 21:36

And I am going to work through my gap year; part time at the hotel and part time work experience at the local Conservative Association, before going to America to work with kids on summer camp for 9 weeks (all paid).

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cyb · 08/03/2010 21:39

Why are you so keen to get a car? It seems like you are working yourself into the ground just for that.

Do you think it will give you more freedom? (Does your boyfriend have one you could borrow?)

FWIW your parents sound just like mine were when I was a teenager.

I ended up leaving home at 17 to move in with my 25 yr old boyfriend (now my husband, we've been togetrh 22 years) because they did not give me a break once at home. That might be your best option.

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cyb · 08/03/2010 21:40

Just read your post...a job nearer to home?

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compo · 08/03/2010 21:40

I wouldn't bother with the gap year and just go straightyo uni
then you can leave home

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compo · 08/03/2010 21:41

Would your boss let you live in thehotel for work?

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Remotew · 08/03/2010 21:47

Would suggest getting a job nearer home too. You do need time to study, even though you are a straight A student.

Gap year might have to be put on hold until after your degree. I've put money away to help fund DD's gap year, then that will be it. Once she goes to uni I know I will be worrying that she has enough money to eat and is doing her washing. Just hope I can spare the odd £20 for supernoodles.

You will be better away from home. I'm sure your parents do love you but need to accept you are a sensible, nearly adult.

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hellymelly · 08/03/2010 21:49

Oh dear! My daughters are teeny but I do remember being your age,and it is a hard time in many ways.My parents were strangely stricter at 17 than at 16 maybe because my A levels were looming I don't know.I guess they might have still sent me to my room too,but I agree with you it seems barmy.What seems the saddest thing in you post is not that you are overstretched and tired,but that your parents seem so unwilling to listen to you or to really see you.I can only imagine that they are in fact panicking and upset that you are so close to leaving them and being an adult,and are therefore clinging to keeping you a child for as long as they can.Could you write them an honest letter? Do you think they would listen then? did you feel loved by them when you were younger?

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BogofFun · 08/03/2010 21:51

Very extended OP. Nice use of the colon though: jolly good!

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seimum · 08/03/2010 21:51

I agree that the car seems a very large expense for the situation you are in.

If it is only a 2 mile journey to/from work, have you considered a bicycle?

I also agree that moving out - when you go to uni, if not before, may be the answer to provoke a change of attitude in your parents.

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Sam100 · 08/03/2010 21:54

I would suggest you continue with your driving lessons and get through your test but can the idea of buying a car for now. If you do buy a car you need to make sure you also have a separate fund for MOTing and fixing the car over the year - that is going to mean you would need to keep working in order to carry on paying insurance, petrol, repairs etc. You don't need that extra stress when you do start university - try and plan a gap year that does not need it. Can you use a taxi for the 2 mile trip home on an evening? Does the hotel have a reliable taxi firm they use?

Are you sure your parents are not (in an inept way) trying to prepare you for real life - maybe they worry that if they are "soft" you will find it a huge shock when you leave home and that you will not cope?

Do you spend anytime at all alone with your mum? Maybe she has just forgotten how to see you as an individual and is projecting on to you things that happened to her/her friends when she was your age?

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venusonarockbun · 08/03/2010 21:57

Please please forget the car idea. You will not need a car at uni.

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Differentperspective · 08/03/2010 22:01

Got myself into a vicious circle really. they told me I had to get a job, which I did, it took me six months to get what I have now, and I do need the money; I need SOME for my phone and the only way I could get there is drive. I am trying to reduce my hours. My other half when I pass, but it's not practical for work as he lives about 5 miles away. Just seems really impossible.
I haven't got into the uni's I want so I feel that the gap year is the only option. I guess I want it all and can't have it! Gap year now for me means we can marry as soon as possible after university. Maybe I have grown up to fast and want an adult life too soon?

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Differentperspective · 08/03/2010 22:06

I really like the letter idea, I think I might try it, thank you very much.
And yes, I did, but since I was about 6/7 have felt like I am not part of the family, when we moved into a caravan to build our house, I just don't match their ideals.
I do often cycle to work during the day in the summer but at midnight in the middle of a forest it's not practical.
More than anything I suppose I would like to think that they at least care, a person needs to be loved in more than just a romantic way I seem to find.

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hellymelly · 08/03/2010 22:20

It would be astonishing if they really didn't care,but clearly you have become estranged from them emotionally and that seems to be the whole root of the problem.
Everyone wants an adult life at 17,you aren't growing up too soon,but maybe too soon for them (I cry at the thought of my girls leaving homw,and they are two and five!)
you need to just focus on getting what you want out of uni,not on marriage yet.Several of my friends are still with their first boyfriends,(and I am 46 so that is a looong time ago) So I am not judging you on that at all,its just that you need to think of one step at a time.But I can see that in the current uncertainty and chaos it must be lovely to think of your future with your man.

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hairymelons · 08/03/2010 22:33

I had no idea my parents loved me until years after I left home.

Having a child of my own and just being older and having more experience has allowed me to see that they loved me very much the whole time. I still think they could have done a better job of letting me know because I felt like they didn't even like me most of the time, but I now know that there were outside stresses that were causing them to act a little, um, distracted. I also now know that they had no idea how I felt and they would be devastated if they knew.

Maybe there are things going on in your parents lives that are distracting them, or maybe they just feel duty bound to be very strict as this is an important time in your life. However, they are your parents and they should be letting you know that you are loved.

Let them know that you understand that they have your best interests at heart but that they need to trust you to make good decisions. And that you need their affection as well as their guidance.

I think that life gets in the way of what is really important sometimes. They may just need a gentle reminder.

Good luck

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bobs · 08/03/2010 23:07

Blimey I don't get it - you just sound too perfect!!! (meant in the nicest possible way ) You seem to be doing everything right - more than right and as a mum of a 16 yr old - who incidently expects to take driving lessons asap and then hopes to be bought a car without paying a penny, yr parents should appreciate and encourage you instead of having a go.

So you need a car for work - understandable aad if you stick to a dead cheap reliable one, then sell it before gap yr and uni it needn't cost the earth

So...you have to ask yrself why they are like they are...presumably you've already done so??? My parents were different to my sister and I than to my brothers but the boys were expected to get better grades than us!

I realise there are 2 sides to everything and we only have yr side here. EG are yr parents unhappy with each other and taking it out on you? They might seem well-off but perhaps financially they are in trouble - it is tricky times - and aren't telling you anything. Maybe they think you are having sex and are going to get pregnant - shows a severe lack of trust

I actually think a gap yr is a good thing if you can afford it - will help you get yr head together, grow up etc and decide what you want.

As I said - I don't get it - yr parents should be really proud of you, and if they aren't, you will eventually have to say that's their problem and get on with yr life befor it knocks yr confidence.

Before you do that though, sit down and have it out with them in the nicest, most non-confrontational way you can...good lick

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bobs · 08/03/2010 23:09

Whoops...luck!

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liliputlady · 09/03/2010 09:49

I really do feel for you, sounds as though you're completely overstretched.

Sounds like you're completely overdoing it with the job; it would be so easy for your grades to slip because of it. IMO, a car would just be a pain at uni, so do without if you can.

I hope you find the strength to talk to you parents and start to understand each other better. Could you all have some counselling together?

If not, you should confide in a school counsellor or trusted teacher, who may discreetly be able to talk to your parents at parents' evening about the enormous pressure you're under.

Very best of luck with everything.

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SexyDomesticatedDad · 09/03/2010 11:36

Sorry couldn't face with reading the whole of the OP - went to Exeter last week and my DS1 (17 now) is going to put this down as his #1 choice - its a top 10 uni now and ceratinly seems to be a very good campus with lots going on and very importantly the support as a student seems to be one of the best we've seen.

Personally not sure about the benefit of gap years when uni costs so much now and there's more competition - if your'e good once get degree then need a masters or something to prove that you are a bit better so add another year or to onto your education.

DS1 has a job and pretty much pays for mostthings, except annual bus pass and big stuff like that. Has a job we do the taxi for him but hopefully will pass test soon. Have another 3 DS to follow so can't offer any other advise - good luck!

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goldenticket · 09/03/2010 11:49

Can you tell us a bit more about your parents and also your younger brother? Do your parents have a strong relationship? Do they seem happy? Are they so absorbed in each other that their children are an irrelevance? Are they different emotionally with your brother? It's very hard to get a sense of what might be causing them to behave like this as on the face of it, you are a model daughter!

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