Teenager hitting his mum - where to go for help?

[RatherBeOnThePiste]

This is a genuine request for advice, and it really is not for me, my DC are much younger..

I have a good friend who is now a single mum, and her son has all kinds of anger issues, very able but is very frustrated it seems. He takes this out on her and he has hit her more than once. He is 16+ and is bigger than her. It all seems out of control and rather desperate.

Where can she go for help to address this? There was a programme on the telly a couple of weeks ago, and the children seemed to be getting some kind of family help. How do you get this help?

They seem to be in a spiral of decline and it is soo sad. I want to be a good friend and help her, but simply don't know where to go.

Thank you

[RatherBeOnThePiste]

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[Dominique07]

I really don't know, can't she go to social services?
At 16 he'd be old enough to consider moving out but hopefully they could offer some support or referal?

[RatherBeOnThePiste]

Thank you Dominique.

He is doing GCSEs in the summer, that is how old he is, is that Year 11? The people on the tv programme seemed to get family therapy, but I don't know how one can start that off. Maybe SS could advise her.

Is there a charity phone help line for her I wonder, where she could seek advice anonymously?

Thank you tho

[MeMySonAndI]

I would say, she should ring the police because:

• They will have a chat with him that hopefully may stop him a bit and,

• most importantly, they will put her in contact with people and organisations that could help her.

[RatherBeOnThePiste]

Korma too - thank you

I am going to suggest that to her. He certainly is not a child, it is horrid. I have never seen any of this violence, but I have been with her when he has called a told her fuck off this and fucking that and she is absolutely despairing. So sad.It is out of control at the moment though, and I cannot see how it can improve.

[RatherBeOnThePiste]

Thank you MeMy

I think the organisations and help is the crunch bit. She might be wary of calling the police - do you think they would just warn him about where his behaviour is going to end up?

My DS is 10 and I cannot comprehend what this would be like.

[JollyPirate]

The kids on the programme went to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service). Her GP should be able to do a referral or the school if he is still in school. She needs to talk to him about it though (pref with some support there) as he has to want to change or the referral will be hopeless. Another service which is good with a 24/7 helpline is Parentline Plus and they have tips on dealing with agression too here

[Unicornsarereal]

Your poor friend!I have been in the same position as your friend and got my son arrested. It did absolutely no good whatsoever, as they have to get a final warning before the youth offending team get involved, when you may get extra help then. But I would suggest your friend to be contacting them rather than social services for advice about what is happening. They may have some interventions on offer for young people at risk of offending, no harm in asking about the Youth Intervention Programme they may offer. They won't judge him, merely that he is at risk of hitting his Mum, and I would hope they give you good advice, they did me.They will look at the child's perspective, and the family dynamics, they may supply a mentor depending on their funding, for him to go out with regularly for a short time and go fishing or football or whatever, so he has someone to talk to. Also there will probably be a Youth Enquiry Service or such like provided by local Voluntary organisations, plus your local Children's Trust will have a website with more information about what is available for parenting help. Be prepared. The funding and provision for teenagers is nowhere near that of young children!
Mine has now decided to go on the dole, thus losing me the WFTC etc. WTF I say!

[RatherBeOnThePiste]

It is awful..

If she goes to the GP then, that could be a start then, and yes he is still in school, GCSEs next summer.

Maybe if she gets her exH they can talk to him, I do believe he ( the teen ) would want change. He babysits for us and for friends and he is charming, easy going etc, but then he's not angry with us I suppose.

The youth offending team is another place to go, and that phone line could really help. I really wanted her to come on MN a while ago, but it is just not her thing, but I thought if things are really bad and you find other mums / dads going through similar things, it can prove a lifeline.

Thank you, a friend and I are going to talk to her tomorrow and I feel more prepared now

[RatherBeOnThePiste]

maryz - you are right it is so difficult being on the outside looking in. She agreed this morning that it can't go on and she is going to phone and make an appointment with the GP to see about help from somewhere. I also said about the police, but she is v hesitant on that front.

He only hits and threatens her, he takes it all out on her.

[Granny23]

Women's Aid would also help. They do not only deal with violence from partners, but also from fathers, sons, even mothers or female partners.

[Granny23]

BTW Not wanting to be alarmist but I would perhaps reconsider allowing him to babysit. Your children are too precious to put at risk even if the chance of an angry outburst is remote.

[runningmonkey]

OP - If he is in school she could start there - form tutor or head of year would be the best place. I have had direct involvement in a very similar-sounding case as a form tutor. The mum came in to see me and the head of year without her son's knowledge (she made contact with me via email first). They are getting support both individually and together via CAMHS and inschool from us and our internal 'inclusion' student counsellors.

I personally would worry about involving police without exploring other avenues first.

[lairymum99]

This is awful.

The final taboo, if you like.

We can all watch Supernanny and learn to tame our younger children, but once those hormones kick in, it's a whole different ball game. And no-one wants to admit they're being abused by their sons.

My ds is nearly 15 and bigger than me. Lovely bright boy, middle class home, private school, xbox in his room. exH and me on civil terms. All good you would think.

And yet ds is permanently angry with me. Foul language every day. He has now attacked me 3 times in 6 months. After the 3rd attack (I have bruises!) I said NO MORE and sent him to stay with his dad where he still is now 2 weeks later.

What to do? I love him dearly - he's my son!I cannot believe he is bad - but he does seem to have lost all respect for me. Then again, we're dealing with teenagers here - they don't DO respect - a whole different species.

The last thing I would do is call the police on him - that's just so NOT the answer and would certainly wreck any future relationship between us. Think back to when you were a teenager - wouldn't you have felt betrayed if your parents had called the police?!

GP/CAMHS sounds good - tho the cynic inside me thinks that relying on the NHS might be a waste of time and may make matters worse by labelling my son anti-social.

For now, I'm glad to have some breathing space. When he comes back, things cannot be as they were before - that i am sure of. He knows we have to talk, and there will be new rules, responsibilities and freedoms for him, and a more mature and consistent approach to parenting a teenager for me. I am considering involving the school, also counselling for me and for both of us together. Touch wood hey?

So you see, you're not alone. Your approach and solution will ultimately depend on the type of parent you are - liberal/tolerant or no-nonsense/disciplinarian (no prizes for guessing which I am ...)- and to what extent you are able to see BOTH sides of the story. These things are sent to try us. YOU are the parent and the grown-up and whatever you decide to do now will shape your relationship with your son for years to come. Please don't blow it.

[tatt]

don't have any answers for you but wanted to provide some hope. One of my friends went through this with her son. His father died, he dropped out of university and generally seemed to have a lot of problems. He is now at a different university doing a different course and no longer hitting his mother.

I know some of you might like to murder your ex's but I am not suggesting that as a general solution. Sometimes a sharp shock is needed, though, and involving the police might be that. They will often talk to problem children without arresting them.