How do you get them to give a shit about school then ??

[MrsMorgan]

Dd1 is 12 and prety much alll of the way through primary school was a model pupil.

She is now at secondary and although still a model pupil in terms of working in class, at home she doesn't give a shit and we have just had yet another huge row about homework.

She doesn't get homework for each lesson every week but several home learning projects a term. Obviously this requires some level of organisation and thought and dd can't be arsed basically.

The only ones she is interested in doing are those which she can do a power point presentation for.
She does do the others, but they have so little effort in, are full of spelling mistakes and god knows what else that it makes me so cross.

I know she can do so so so much better than she is doing, but she doesn't care.

I hav tried banning, mobile phone, tv, facebook etc etc, but I just get am mouthful of attitude back.

Also at primary schol she would always be joining different clubs etc, but at secondary she has joined nothing, and if I ask why she says 'i can't be bothered'.

I feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall.

[Cyb]

Welcome to the world of teenagers.

i am reading a really good book atm called 'get out of my life-but first take me and Alex into town' which says its a really good habit to have a hours study each night before lap tops, telly whatever.

Even if they ahve no homework set they can read or revise, or go though what needs doing in the future etc. I havent managed to implement it yet here, but dd does seem to be doing OK with homeowrk.

[MrsMorgan]

Thank you both, I just feel very frustrated and overwhelmed with her at the mo.

She keeps saying that her dad wouldn't shout at her so much, which is true but then thats because he wouldn't care wether she did well or not.

So, I am the bads guy because I want her to do well.

Anyway, I am getting sidetracked. I will go look for that book.

[MrsMorgan]

Thats the thing though, at the moment all school seem to do is extend her deadline and I wish they wouldn't.

I actually want them to give her detention so she will see that she will get into trouble.

[ghandisflipflop]

mrs morgan - they will give her detention or sanctions eventually. Let her go through this and learn from her mistakes.

No amount of forcing them to do it works, or if it works on the homework front you end up rowing about anything and everything else.

Tell her it is her responsibility, and hers alone. Say you have done your time at school, and you wont be punished.

The let her get on with it. Hard to watch, but really can work.

[fluffles]

I don't think that shouting or getting angry will ever help (i know you know that but i know it's easy to forget in the heat of the moment)

You need two strategies - one is the long-term one where you talk openly about the future and her hopes and dreams and what it will take to get there.

The other is the short-term one - it doesn't matter what we want in the long term it's still bloody hard to sit down and work at the time.... for this one i'd use a lot of empathy.. 'yes, DD i know it's dull but we have to do it, what will make it more bareable? what do you want to do after you've done an hour?' etc.

Also, can you do a job you hate at the same time? for e.g. if you hate ironing you use the same room and she studies and you iron for one hour then you both have a cup of tea and choccy biscuit after as reward.

[Hassled]

All I can tell you is that it passes. Ride it out. Grit your teeth a lot, and be persistent.

The same DS1 who had to be nagged, threatened and nagged some more all the way through High School, and who ended up having to retake some GCSEs and A Level modules, and who actually caused me to cry at a Parents Evening, now wants to do an MA and is on track for a First. I can't begin to get my head around it.

[Cyb]

Perhaps she does need a detention. To see that her actions (or lack of them) have consequences

[rainbowinthesky]

I could have written this thread title. I can so relate to the book title - get out of my life but first give Alex and me a lift into town.

I saw ds's (now 14) reception teacher the other day whom he used to love. ALl through primary he was angelic, quiet, hard working - a dream pupil. I wanted to run after her and show her my ds and say look what happened to him...

WHat I do know is telling him how important school and work is doesnt actually make a blind bit of difference. HE lives for teh here and now - friends and having a good time.

[MrsMorgan]

Ah good for him Hassled, that is really nice to read.

I am now feeling really guilty, like I didn't give enough consideration to the effort she did make. God I need a new manual, my one doesn't cover 12+ lol.

I shouted alot, I just find it so frustrating. She is so clever, and I want her to do well, and not end up like me.

[kansasmum]

This could be mine 13 year old you are writing about!!!

She had a bad end to year 8 and not a great start to year 9 but since the Xmas hols she does seem to be settling down a bit and is definitely doing better grade wise.

I tried nagging, shouting etc etc and it made no difference and sadly she didn't really care when she got a detention.

However I have seen a difference recently and she has been showing me her work and was really proud of herself when she got an A in History so I made a big deal out of it.

Sadly at this age I think what their friends think and do is far more important to them than schoolwork.

My experience is that they do go through this stage and come out the other side.
I have laid off nagging- wasn't making nay difference!- and now just stay interested and encouraging and let her make her choices.

I can't force her to do the work- hopefully she will get the idea in the end.

[desertmum]

Hassled, you give me hope!! My DD is aparently capable of getting A's and A* for GCSE's but won't cos she just won't do the work; this last term and a half she has just stpped working. I have given up nagging, shouting, arguing etc. It's her stuff and she has to get on with it. I have finally decided she has the choice between flipping burgers in McDonalds or studying Law - I can't study for her. I do so hope her story turns out like your DS. Fingers crossed.

[Sidge]

Thanks for this thread - and fingers crossed it's a phase that most go through. My DD1 is 11, Year 6, and I have noticed this last term and a bit that she has really slacked off.

She's always been bright, and motivated herself well but since September has lost the way a bit - she doesn't finish homework and stuff that is finished is poor, with poor handwriting, spelling and content. However much I nag, cajole and bribe it seems to make no difference. She just seems so disinterested yet glows when she does do a good piece of work and get a good mark/feedback from the teacher.

There seems to be a real apathy from her, and I just hope she clicks out of it and realises the need to work a bit harder. I'm hoping that if I back off a bit and let her see that crap effort = crap marks it will sink in.

Gosh it's hard isn't it - you never think about this stuff when you have a baby!

[dabs]

Both my dd's went through this stage ( teenagers who'd have em lol!)

It's hell and so difficult to do the right thing as it will always depend on the individual, I had to do different things to my youngest than I did with my eldest (now 20)

But I did only allow them 1 hour etc on the computer until they had done their homework, and yes I did get lots of talk back, but you have to be strong, also don't debate it with them. It is you who is the parent, so tell that's how it is and tough.

The important thing to do , is point out the reason behind the importance of doing homework.

Say to them, do you want an apple computer, or do you want lots of lovely clothes, money whatever when you grow up. Also ask them what they want to be/do when they grow up. They may say yes I want this that and the other or I want to have a job that earns a lot of money. then you can point out to them that it wont happen in this day and age without qualifications, harsh but true.

Talk to them as though you are on their side. Then tell them you will help them, encourage them and no matter what happens you love them.

I don't agree with some of the posts, I never gave up, it was very difficult at one time with eldest dd, she wouldn't get out of bed and started missing school during year 12, there were rows, but in the end sheer perseverance won out, I nagged etc and went to see her tutor. I didn't give up and say when its up to you. But I did make it clear that it was done with her interests in mind. The point is they dont get another go, it does shape how their life will be ( I told them that too)

My eldest is now in her 3rd year at St Andrews uni studying Ancient History and younger dd is studying her A levels with predicted A* and A's.

So imho dont give you, keep on forgiving and wiping the slate clean and let them know you love them and are there for them ( they a still babies under all that make up lol!)