My son is going to end up a sad gamer with no friends!

[littlejo67]

My son is 16 and has his science Gcse exams this week. He does not revise. He says he does so at school in run up to the exams.

Last night he was on his Playstation again all evening even though he had an exam today.An hour before he leaves I go into his room and say- "why dont you look at your revision book for an hour" he replies "I am while I wait for people to join my game", (online gaming on playstation).

At this point I lost my cool and said that statement said it all. He is fitting in his revision while waiting for others to game with him online. I have previously spoken to him at length about why these exams are important, he wants to do computer science at uni and needs an A level in maths. He got an A in first module then slipped to a C in the next, but got an E in the recent mock for module 5. He wont be able to do A level unless he at least gets a B overall.
He is a bright boy in top sets apart from English. He seems to have apathy just at the wrong time!

I have spoken about his addiction to gaming with him and have previously taken away loads of times his pc and playstation. We agree a balanced approach to study and leisure but it never lasts.

He starts gaming at 3-30 and finishes at 11pm every night and at weekends can be online for 14 hours a day!! He runs to bathroom and eats tea while gaming so not to miss anything.

He has no social life or friends outside of school just ones online. He does not learn by experience- ie, it always resorts to me removing the playstation and pc and him being moody for a week. Him promising to study so I give it back and the cycle starts again.

Taking playstation away does not force him to study either as he goes on world of warcraft, then I even hide the mouse.
He refuses to study and digs heels in.

Sorry about the rant but I need advice from you guys.He is gaming for about 60 hours a week and wont spend any time revising. I am really scared that his is going to end up a sad gaming freak with no friends or career!!! ahhhhh

Just for some background info- he has a severe hearing loss and therefore wears hearing aids and lip reads, he is moderately dyslexic and now has just been diagnosed with alopecia so his hair is falling out.

I can understand why he spends time online with online friends. His self confidence is at an all time low but this gaming has been going on for about 3 years. Its his greatest joy in life. He has it hard with all his problems. Really need your advice.

[CheeryCherry]

Gosh how sad for you all. And truely sad for your son, yet its obviously a world in which he loves. Have no experience of this really but is there any courses/night classes and suchlike that can expand his hobby? It may open him up to the real world, real people, with minds alike to him. He may then see the need to work hard now for exams.
There is big money to be made in the gaming world, my nephew just gained a degree in game design. Just may help ease him out into the big wide world whilst still in his comfort zone. And in turn boost his confidence.
Hope that is not all drivel! Good luck.

[TulipsInTheRain]

I agree with cherry.... considering the fact that he has obvious reasons for being more comfortable around online friends that rl ones (and who are we on an internet forum to judge that of all things?) is there any way instead of the gaming being a battleground that it could be used as his incentive for doing well?

There's huge money to be made in the gaming industry and he obviously loves gaming and i would imagine he's good at it if he spends that many hours on it.

Try sitting him down for a calm conversation (ie, don't wait until your irritated and go in angry) and explain you want him to be able to spend his life gaming, but in order to do that he has to spend an hour a day studying so that he can get into that course.... without the qualifications he'll eventually have to stop gaming as he'll have to go out to work 8 hors a day in a menial job and when he gets home he'll be too tired to touch the playstation... however if he just puts a little work in now he can spend his life doing what he loves for good money.

[Slartybartfast]

you really need to restrict his ps use. you know that.
i dont know how. just wanted to say good luck.

[Katisha]

It sounds like a true addiction and he probably can't self-regulate, in the way a smmoker can't stop etc.
Are there any outside agencies that help with this sort of thing? Can the school suggest anything?

[Cazwa]

Agree, you need to restrict his PC use. Take the keyboard away and allow him 2-3 hours a night. Its what a lot of adults spend watching TV/online a day and would consider 'normal'.

[CheeryCherry]

But even restricting PS use is tricky...you don't want him clock watching irritably waiting for 6.00 or whenever.
Check online for courses which you can browse through and discuss together. It might give a boost and an incentive to get some revision done.

[Mems]

Why does "the balanced approach to study and leisure" never last? Why do you give him back the pc and playstation? Why isn't he eating his meals with you and his family? Why don't you just turn off the internet connection? Agree a reasonable amount of daily gaming - say 2 hours a day - and let him be moody. If he was 3 and insisting on eating only chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner would you let him?

I'm sorry if I sound unsympathetic - I know that these situations don't arise overnight, that he probably started gaming only a couple of hours a day but you need to stop him isolating himself from real life. Cheery's suggestions are much more supportive than mine - I understand that his problems are isolating and it must be very difficult for you. Are there any support groups for teenagers in the deaf community he could become involved in?

[CheeryCherry]

Mems good suggestion about support groups for the deaf...though it would take a huge intake of breath and gritted teeth for a self conscious teen to just walk into a new group. Again though, there may be support groups online to start him off. Find some alternatives, for I agree with ruby, its best dealt with now than ten years down the line.

[CheeryCherry]

Yes Ruby that makes sense...choosing a few days unlimited maybe the way to go.

[onlyjoinedforoffers]

my ds is a bit like this he is 18 at college and his world revolves around gaming he does have one rl good friend who is also into gaming and they go to each others houses recently though he is expanding a bit more intersted in clothes and going to the cinema and to the gym .When i ask him about it he says he is happy and is not interested in going out to pubs clubs etc he IS a happy young man with a great sense of humour but i still worry at times

[clumsymum]

oh yes littlejob, I think part of the problem is that you have let this get so far already. I'm already making sure we have control of this situation, and my ds is only 10 (but would game 14 hrs a day if he was allowed).

I certainly think that the Playstation should go, now, if he can't control his use of it. Ban/Remove it, at least until this round of exams has finished.

You need to re-establish family meal-times. I wouldn't allow him to take his meals back to his computer/PS. Eat at the table with the family, or don't eat at all would be my rule.

OK, he needs the PC for homework? then you keep popping your head round the door to make sure he is working. If he is playing WoW, then he has to move the computer to a family room where you can see what he is doing. (you can also block the site you know, I'll check with DH later and post how on here, if you want to know how)

Yes you are going to get a very grumpy, miserable lad for a few days, but he has to have this point re-inforced. His current behaviour is unreasonable, and unacceptable. He needs to work on his addiction (and it is), now.
He is 16, but he is still a child, he still lives under your roof, and he has a responsibility to you and to HIMSELF, to get his priorities sorted out.

I suspect he isn't the only 16 year-old boy who seems to be a 'billy-no-mates', and his disabilities may or may not be having an effect on his ability/desire to socialise (it can be a difficult age for anyone).

You have to grasp the nettle on this, and get his Gaming addiction under control, altho it won't be easy.

[Katisha]

Interesting article

[clumsymum]

Katisha, you are right, it is an interesting article.

I used the word addiction, which is emotive, but probably not correct. I apologise.

The article does say tho'
-- For younger gamers, intervention may be the only way to break the cycle. That means stepping in and sometimes literally taking a child away from a computer, removing them from the game for a period of time until they become aware of their habits and begin to see there are other choices.

"It's a choice," he says. "These kids know exactly what they are doing and they just don't want to change. If no one is there to help them, then nothing will ever happen." --

It also says that the problem might stem from social difficulties at school. Maybe OP needs to talk to her DS about what is happening at school, go in and talk to school about how they perceive life to be for the boy.

[Katisha]

Yes I have now had a rethink on the "addiction" diagnosis reading that. It seems the ball is in the court of the parents and anyone else they can round up to help.

[Katisha]

Sorry - not meant to sound as brisk as it did. It's going to be tough.

[clumsymum]

Look at it this way. Would we think it healthy if a child/teenager did any other activity all their waking hours?

Whether it's riding a bike, making lego models, reading books, doing jigsaws, football training, hanging around bus stops, any of those activities would be unreasonable if they were done to the exclusion of EVERYTHING else. As responsible parents we would try to broaden their horizons.

Playing computer games is just the same...

[mumblechum]

I think you're going to have to make some pretty major changes if you want him to have a more balanced lifestyle.

are there any sports clubs he may be interested in joining? If so, then commit to ferrying him to and from them, paying the subs, turning up for matches & generally supporting him.

What about friends at school? Have a word with his tutor and find out who he hangs out with at lunchtime, then ask your ds to invite them round on Saturday afternoons or whatever.

My ds is a keen gamer (though he has loads of other hobbies) and all he seems to talk about with his mates is games. It's unlikely if your ds is that keen a gamer that he doesn't chat to other lads about games.

Agree you'll have to disconnect the i/net till he's done at least a couple of hours work after school each night.

Good luck

[CMOTdibbler]

I agree that you need to restrict his internet access - if you use a wireless hub, then you can often restrict hours and sites on there to help.

If he enjoys gaming, then a more sociable option is to encourage him to join a Warhammer (or any other RPG) group - Warhammer is particularly accessible as all Games Workshop shops run groups. It isn't noisy (so easier for him to access), and the staff are great at getting new people involved

[mumblechum]

BTW you can do settings on WOW to prevent him going on for more than a certain time each day/week. Look up "parental controls"

[mumblechum]

Having chatted to ds this evening, he says it would be really difficult for such a hardcore gamer (his words) to cut down to 2 hours a day so you should wean him off v. gradually by half an hour every couple of days.

[littlejo67]

Thanks everyone for all your replies.
I have sat him down numerous times and explained about how important his exams are and how he can have a career he really enjoys if he can just focus now on his exams ( delayed gratification and all that).

I have mentioned that I have big concerns over his gaming and that I think it is not balanced with other activities or study.

Previously he had been mixing with other hard of hearing/deaf teens organised by the National deaf childrens society and his local audiology unit. Now he is an older teen there are not so many activities and he has lost interest.

He was a member of the local footy club and I took him to training and matches etc but he gave up about a year ago. He also did horse riding for a year as I thought it would increase his self esteem but he gave that up to.

I bought him a Warhammer set and found out about the Sunday sessions but he did not want to go and never completed the painting on the Warhammer figures.

I understand that I can just turn off the internet though three others in the family use it and its unfair on them. Have tried taking away his power leads but he just goes into his brothers room and watches/goes on there.

Sixteen is a tricky age I realise as his parent that I need to guide him towards being more responsible. Part of that is to allow him to make his own decisions.

That is why we discuss his gaming and then agree a revision schedule. This is why the situation is repeating its self.I give him the chance to be self governing and be responsible but he is just not able to maintain the balance and slips back into his own ways. He still lacks maturity.

Yes I could take the gaming away from him and treat him like a child, and part of me is learning towards that in desperation. If he was younger I would. I feel uncomfortable treating him like a little child.Thats why I seek the opinions of mumsnetters. Thanks again for your imput.

[Katisha]

Nonetheless it seems like you are going to have to take the decision out of his hands. He is not going to see the iight by himself now, and voluntarily devote gaming time to revision.
I really do think it's up to you to make this happen, whether or not you think he's not a child anymore.
I would go into the school and ask for their help as well, and see if there are any counselling-type people they could involve.

[littlejo67]

Katisha. I do agree with you, even though I so wish he would mature and do it for himself.

Not sure about the involving school bit. I am wondering whether this would bring about more judgements from teachers about his behaviour. For a teen with low self esteem more adults telling him how he should be better at revising may be counter productive.

Counselling-type people- they dont have a magic wand - they help to empower others to change their own lives. He does not wish to change his life at the moment.
I have tried I am a counsellor by profession!