Sad for son

[abride]

I've name-changed on this one because some people now know me...

My son is just 13. He struggles socially, despite being a clever and sweet-natured person. He's just a little awkward in groups and tends to come across as somewhat eccentric, though his interests are decidely mainstream: playing football and Wii and X-box. His best friend has just left school to move to another country...

He has a few other friends and has worked hard to socialise with them. But it seems to be very one-sided. There's a boy whom we've had over here for parties and family barbecues. We've also given him lifts. They sat next to each other last term in class.

But, my son has just found out that this boy invited eight friends to his birthday outing but he wasn't included. He feels gutted. I'm slightly at my wit's end to know what to do. We have actually seen a local counsellor to do some self-esteem work. It seems to be working but this is a real setback.

[optimisticmumma]

Just wanted to post to give you some moral support really. I think a lot of boys struggle socially but I think the counselling idea is a great one. I don't think you can do any more than you are doing. Just allow him to be able to tell you how he feels and reassure him that as he and others mature it will get easier for him(even if you don't wholly believe it!). When you hear the life stories of many people in the media it always strikes me how many of them have similar problems during the Secondary school years...
Keep positive for your boy's sake.

[abride]

Thank you for that. Just posting it all helps to relieve the strain.

[abride]

Thank you, I appreciate the friendly ear!

[iloverhubarbcrumble]

Sad to hear about the boy who didn't invite your DS to his party. It's horrible isn't it - but this is just one boy. Maybe don't extrapolate this experience? Not trying to dismiss your concerns or his upset though. More just to sympathise.

My DD has just moved to secondary school, with few people she knew. Though she is not specially similar to your DS, she's also had experiences with a girl who blows hot and cold, who my DD had fixed on abit as her 'new best friend'. Thankfully she has now moved on, but it was hurtful at the time. And very common indeed I think at this age (year 7 and 8) as they settle/move/float in new friendship groups. Hard for the 'eccentric' as they are so quick to label and dismiss.

Also, your DS has had a best friend. He's really unlucky that that boy moved away. he's going thro a tough time anyway. But he's maybe not that unusual? Anyway, just some rambling thoughts, and someone else is listening! Hope it improves.

[abride]

Yes, it helps to have someone make me think logically about this. I suppose that, because he has formed good friendships in the past, he can do it again.

As I say, he's not horrid, unkind or bullying, and it would be much worse if he was these things. He's a very kind, decent kind of person. Just a little bit of an oddball in some respects. I think he might be one of those people who grow into their skins.

[piscesmoon]

I think that you are right about being one of those people who grow into their skins. I think it is very common for boys; you imagine that everyone is our having a good time but it isn't the case. I hated being a teenager-if there was one part of my life that I didn't want to repeat that would be it! I was fine once I got to 18yrs. Sorry not to be a lot of help-but I think it is quite normal.

[Rombouts]

it really hurts doesn't it. I hope he manages to make some new friends.

[piscesmoon]

Does he do much out of school? If he could find people with a shared interest it might help. I would just be generally supportive, if you show him that you are anxious it may make it worse.

[abride]

He does cross-country and finds that quite enjoyable socially. He's also in the first X1 for football at school, which means extra training, which, I'm hoping, will help him bond with people in his year.

I think it hurts me more than him at times! And yes, you're right to remind me to make sure I don't seem anxious.

I just think he's missing out on doing fun things with friends at weekends. His sister is always going to her friends' and having impromput sleepovers. I know girls are generally more wired up to do these things, though.

[piscesmoon]

My DS was very similar at his age-mainly because he was never the one to instigate anything but always the one to wait for someone else to suggest something. I think that it is very common for boys. My DS1 once spent a whole week doing activities with another boy when he was 15, they got on well, but at the end of the week he didn't know his name! I was astounded, a girl would have know not only a name but shoe size, favourite band, best friend at school, what she had to eat the night before etc etc. Apparently it wasn't important!
Boys operate on a different wave length to girls and mothers! As long as he has outside interests and is generally friendly I wouldn't worry-similar threads come up very often.

[abride]

Thank you, piscesmoon.

[nickschick]

I think this is very 'normal' for young teen boys,having been in a very similar place with ds1 I can assure you in time he will 'grow into himself'.

[piscesmoon]

If it makes you feel any better DS1's form tutor asked how he would manage when he went off to university! This was because he was like your DS, he played football,was friendly, was very active in Scouts, had a Saturday job etc but he was never the centre of a big group and I think quite a lot went on socially that he missed out on. I said he would be fine and he was! He had a great time and is very actively socially now.
I think that he takes after me-I never like the 'in crowd'-the outsiders are far more interesting IMO!
My BIL was very solitary when I met him in his early 20's-he got married late 20's to a sociable woman and you wouldn't recognise him!
Thinking about it my DS2 has only become very sociable since meeting his girlfriend.
Just gently encourage.

[pickupthismess]

You don't say how upset your DS is. Is it just the party or is he generally unhappy at not having a close friend anymore?

I ask because I met my DH at school (when he was 15). He was always on the outside as a teenager and he still is. Yet he is outgoing, sociable, chatty, uniformly described a v nice/kind etc and has loads of aquaintances. He's also really successful too. But........ he has noone (still) that he could call a male friend. He didn't even have anyone to call on as best man. But he totally doesn't care.

So I guess you need to consider whether this is actually affected your DS or if he is quite happy overall.

[abride]

It does make me feel better, pisces, thanks.

Pickupthismess: I think he was hurt that he'd been excluded by the party-giver. TBH, it's not the first time we've had an experience like this: asking people over several times and then missing out on invitations to parties.

He has been more cheerful this week (so far). I think as the week goes by and he gets a bit more tired things seems worse. Generally when he's at home he seems happy in his own company. Perhaps not a natural extrovert.

[3littlefrogs]

Weekend clubs and activities are probably the way to go.

Having a group of friends outside school is really important IME.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Abride - this is very sad isn't it.

I normally am of the opinion oh it's just a party when they are young, however these kind of things really sting when they are teens. It is horrible when you are a parent, as well.

My dd, who is 14 now, had a bad time for about 6 months at school. Some of her friends moved away, and she didn't have a real bedrock of close friends as we had moved up here when she ws in Yr 6. Anyway, to cut a very long story short, she was left out of things, very lonely, and ended up being bullied. We had to move schools in the end.

Anyway, reason why i am posting, her self esteem was at rock bottom. I was advised that the local air/army cadets are really good with kids who have esteem issues. She started with Air Cadets in October.

I cannor praise it highly enough. This kind of thing would emphatically not habe been my first choice of activity for a teenage daughter, however the people who run it couldn't be kinder, and she loves the whole thing. It has also been wonderful for her socially, she meets her air cadet friends out of cadets (not one of them goes to the same school as her) and is has paid dividends as her confidence has grown and she has made good friends at her new school.

I don't know if this would be your son's thing, however perhaps other things like extra curricular football, karate, running clubs or other kinds of clubs may suit him better. In any case it may well help to try and find him a new social circle outside school.

In the meantine best of luck, I know how rotten you must both feel.

[abride]

Thank, GetOrf and 3littlefrogs. We do do cross-country/athletics and that does seem to provide him with some companionship (and fellowship--esp. on a foul weather day over a long course!). It's quite a hassle to make the training and events but what you say about its importance reinforces to me that we should really keep on making the effort.

We will have the option of army cadets at his next school, which he starts next Sept (they finish at 13 where he is), so I'll bear that in mind--thank you again.

[piscesmoon]

A new school is a new start and a shake up of friendship groups. If he is at the top end of the school, and has been there a long time, friendships get very entrenched. Mine all went up to our catchment area school so they kept a lot of friends, but many went elsewhere and some started without knowing anyone. It did everyone good to widen, or change, the circle.

[pickupthismess]

Abride - changing schools can make the world of difference.

Could you encourage him to try to break into another friendship group - invite a kid round that might not be a natural invitation?

I know from personal experience how horrible this can be. When I was a teen I had a friend who was ALWAYS round at my house and then she stayed for two weeks while her m&d were abroad and I guess we must have slightly annoyed each other (although we were still v much friends when she left). About a week later she started blanking me, then it turned to bullying. My mum was so angry she went round to her mothers to complain (oh the horror!)

Anyway, being isolated made me turn to another girl who I had always thought a bit uncool and she turned out to be one of the best friends of my life.

So maybe he needs to broaden his horizons. As everyone else says, clubs are such a good way of gaining confidence and making a new social circle especially ones involving teams.

[claig]

it's great that he is good at football, that always helps. Maybe try to get him interested in sports other than team sports e.g. tennis, squash etc. They are good sports because you always need one other person to play with, and the two players will spend lots of time with each other since they both need a partner. Joining a chess club is also similar.

[abride]

These are all really good suggestions, thank you again.

I do feel better for letting off steam here and it means I am not bombarding him with questions and being obviously worried, which wouldn't help him at all.

[piscesmoon]

Whatever you do don't bombard him with questions! I was a shy DC and it would have made me feel so much worse about myself! Treat it as normal and gently encourage-and don't push if it doesn't get you anywhere. My DS3 had a phase of not speaking to us much and it was very tempting to have a go at him, but my reasoning was that home is the one place that you should feel safe and comfortable-there is no hiding place if you have to 'be on show' and feel under pressure at home. We just kept talking to him and gradually he came out of it-(although he still isn't a chatterbox!)

If they are in the same school for a long time they can change, but to the other DCs they can remain as they were. For example I supply teach and one very nice yr 5 boy had friendship problems. I couldn't understand it and when I asked around I found that when he arrived at the school in yr 2 he was bouncing off the walls, his parents could do nothing with him and he frightened the other DCs. The school did a fantastic job and calmed him down BUT to the other DCs he was still the wild 7 yr old! This a bit extreme but DCs may have formed an opinion of your DS several years ago.
When he starts a new school other DCs have to go by what they see now-it is a fresh start.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Abride - I know how you feel re keeping to committments. It is a bit of a PITA organising out life around dd's extra currucular stuff ( as well as cadets she plays footbnall, so that's my Saturday morning lie ins scuppered for a start), but think it is well worth it, as I don;t feel that I can rely on dd's scghool to provide all her friendship, iyswim.