A question about sleepovers

[mumto3boys]

Have had a bit of a disasterous (from my perspective) sleepover this weekend for DS1's 13th birthday. Him and 2 mates, cinema (paid by us) then sleepover here. Sleeping in living room due to tiny bedroom. Told them to be bedding down by midnight. Heard them go to living room at 12.45 (not too much of a problem), still heard awake at 5am!!

I know this was due to one friend who I didn't really want invited anyway who apparently caused other problems as well. So DH took him home 10am sunday much to friend's annoyance.

DS 1 now very very tired and in fact went to school without his school bag today, didn't realise til he was there, came home for it and late for school (previous for being forgetful therefore I wasn't taking it to him)

WE also seemt o get loads of sleepover requests, almost every week and from the same friends.

So, what time do you expect them to go to sleep?
Am I being unreasonable to restrict them to school hols only unless special occasions? And to ban this friend from sleepovers altogether?

[webwiz]

To be honest I don't know why they are called sleepovers as no sleeping ever gets done. DS is 13 and sleepovers are for birthdays and during the holidays only as it takes days to get over the lack of sleep. I don't think I would want to get into the habit of weekly sleepovers.

[inthesticks]

Definately school holidays and Fridays only.

I have two boys and they never showed any interest in sleepovers until DS1 was 13.
It started in the summer holidays and grew from there.

He went on a birthday sleepover on a Saturday in October. Ten of them, boys and girls, camping out. I got a text to fetch him home at 5pm. He came in, spent an hour on facebook talking to the same people he'd been with all weekend and then went to bed. Overslept ( after 14 hours sleep) on Monday morning, and was late for school. He didn't actually speak a full sentence between getting home and going to school.

It seems to be a matter of honour to stay awake as long as possible. "X says he's doing an all nighter" is a frequent comment.
Anyway after the October one he was nasty and evil for days because of tiredness and I said I would never let him go on another unless he promised to sleep.
He's done 2 or 3 since then and to be fair he hasn't come home in quite such a state of exhaustion.

Funnily enough when it was his 14th birthday a couple of weeks ag he didn't want a sleepover. Needless to say I didn't try to change his mind.

One of Ds's friends sounds similar to your son's friend. I don't think there are any bed time rules at his house even on school nights. He always looks drained and tired. DS says he has TV and x box in his room and is on it half the night.
To ban the friend? If he is a good friend then I wouldn't but it sounds as though your DS isn't that keen on him so you might be able to.

[exexpat]

I had seven for DS's 11th birthday sleepover. Five of them were still up at 9am. Never again...

[mumto3boys]

Glad it's not just mine then! I think it's going to be holidays and special occasions only from now on. Banning hte friend is easy as he's not a school friend so it's usually only those 2 at the sleepovers they have together. This is the first time we've had him round with another child as well and aparently they didn't get on as he was a right pain!

[cory]

You don't give much detail as to what they actually did. If it was me (dd 13) I would book the sleepover for the Saturday and just assume that nobody would get any sleep and that people might well disagree etc. Sleepovers are hard work. We last had one for dds 12th birthday. I went to bed in ds's room at 11 and left them to it, just informed them that I intended to sleep. They left me fairly undisturbed but I have no reason to belive they slept.

Whether I banned the friend would be due to any actual misdemeanours (did he bring drink? drugs? go on your computer to look at porn? vandalise or steal?). I wouldn't ban a 15yo for just staying up talking (remembering all those nights when we used to set the world to rights).

I would also seriously entertain the idea that they are all equally guilty but that the other two are blaming him because he annoyed them/they found it difficult to get on after not having met for a while?. Dd was invited to such a sleepover last year, and though there were no complaints about her behaviour, it was pretty clear that the other two ganged up on her and excluded her. They were no longer used to being three, one girl was jealous of dd's presence and the other was more afraid of offending the friend she would be seeing every day than of offending dd who no longer goes to the same school.

[mumto3boys]

Oh I feel bad now. They did absolutely nothing that bad at all, but there is a lot of previous with sleepovers etc.

The friend is someone DS1 has known since age 2 but they don't go to school together. He's a bit of a pain TBH . Constantly telling tales (yes, even at age 13) constantly wanting things, trying to bend the rules etc. He drives me nuts when he's here as when all DS's other friends are here I can relax, when he is here I can't. He also taught my younger children a few new words which I didn't know about at the time.

He constantly badgers me and DS1 for them to have sleepovers. Will ring at 7am on a saturday asking me to take DS1 there or if he can come here. I'm not convinced DS1 would continue the friendship given the choice but the friend or his mum is always ringing! DS1 hasn't invited him to any of his birthdays for years but he always invites DS1 as he doesn't have any school friends. DS1 decided he felt bad and said he wanted to invite him - I have a feeling the friend has said something to him and made him feel guilty.

Apparently at the cinema he was taking the other friends popcorn etc which he paid for himself. Here, he just kept helping himself to stuff from the cupboards (and I provided loads of snacks for them plus a big dinner of pizza etc), took drinks into bedroom which isn't allowed due to size and the fact there's elecrical stuff near any place you can put a drink. Really wound up my other kids and just wouldn't do as he was asked.

It was like having a hyper 7 year old here. So no drink or drugs or anything lie that and at 13 I would be very very shocked if there was. But I do expect rules to be followed, even loosely. He wasn't left out at all and I know it was him making the noise as I could hear the others telling him to shut up as the would get in trouble.

I think that at 13 they should be able to have a sleepover without me haing to get too involved with who's turn it is on the xbox abd who has eaten all the crisps.

The no sleep has really peed me off as DS1 is disorganised at the best of times so today was just the icing on the cake. I'm not blaming the friend complately but think without him here it wouldn't have been such high maintenance.

Realise fully I sound like a bit of a cow!

[inthesticks]

Not a cow at all, I'd be the same. I find it hard to tolerate behaviour from others that I wouldn't expect from my own children.
The friend's behaviour while not outrageous in the great scheme of things, sounds bad mannered and attention seeking. Perhaps that's why he struggles for friends?

Reminds me of another incident with DS. He went to a sleepover at the home of a school friend he doesn't know well. I rang the mother to confirm the invitation and check the ground rules. (Ok I admit it, I wanted to suss her out as well).

DH dropped a group of them off on Friday evening at 6pm. He was brought home at 3pm next day having been given nothing to eat. Too polite to ask.Presumably all the others had eaten before they went. He was starving but couldn't understand why I was fuming!

[cory]

It does sounds as if he were rather high maintenance and I can understand why your ds might want to drop him. I would try to let your ds make the decision (but hope he chose to drop the friend as he sounds like v hard work).

[mimsum]

ds1(12) has started wanting sleepovers - if it's just him and one friend it doesn't seem to be too bad and they're usually asleep by midnight

if it's a group for a birthday, then all bets are off as none of them wants to lose face by admitting they're tired

It takes ds at least 2-3 days to recover from a really late sleepover and he is evil when he's tired, so big, group sleepovers are strictly holidays only. One friend sleepovers can be more frequent (but not more than one a month or so), but the rules are they have to be asleep by midnight at the latest, if not, no more sleepovers.

ds2 (10) has only been to one sleepover so far, but when the sleepover thing kicks in there's no way I'm having one of his friends stay the night - it's hard enough just having him round for tea ...

[mumto3boys]

DS won't drop him. He says he feels guitly as he is the only friend this boy has. I tried to tell him gently that there is a very good reason for that but hey ho! Turns out he was also mucking about in the cinema and generally being an idiot.

I think DS1 is learning a lesson in choosing friends wisely.

[Orlando]

Mumto3, I hardly ever post on mn these days but came on this morning to ask advice on exactly this subject. My dd is 14 and pretty much every weekend wants to have a sleepover with her friend. It's only one friend, and I have nothing against her at all, but on Saturday night they didn't go up to bed until 3am (I know that because they woke me up coming upstairs )

Now my dd wants to go to the friends house this weekend for another sleepover, but I'm not happy about her staying up this late as a matter of course every Saturday night. It means Sunday is written off because she sleeps half the day and then gets up and shuffles round wrapped in an odd assortment of dressing gowns and blankets like a grumpy old woman. Meals go out the window as she has breakfast at lunchtime and homework is completely sidelined while she spends the remainder of the day catching up with people on facebook.

I don't have anything against her doing this once in a while but it just seems like a rubbish way to spend all your free time. Of course, she says I would think that because I'm old and boring and I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING, but to me it's all a question of moderation.

Anyway, sorry for thread hijack, but you have my sympathy with the whole horrible issue. On a positive note, your ds does sound like a total sweetheart in looking out for this kid. Not a bad thing to be as in tune as he obviously is to the feelings of others, and deffo to be praised and encouraged, but also important to learn about boundaries and how far your responsibility to others extends. (And having them trash your house and disrespect your family rules is far enough!)

[desertmum]

they really do need their sleep don't they ? Over the holidays I was pretty lax about bedtime and they both stayed up late watching movies, on FB etc, often with me asleep before they were. On the second day of school ds (13) slept from 6.30pm to 6.30am straight through - I thought he was maybe coming down wth something but he just was shattered. I read somewhere that if your teenagers go to bed late and wake up late on weekends when they go back to school on Monday and get up at usual time it is like having jetlag for them - like they change timezones each weekend. Which when you think about it makes some sort of sense - think this is what happened to ds.

[Imustbenuts]

Can you not talk to friend's mother and explain that if her son doesn't follow the rules the same as the others he won't be invited again?