My 14 year old DD is truanting...again

[KatieScarlett2833]

At the beginning of December, I got a call from school on my day off to inform me that my DD was not in school and had not been for 4 days. After much wailing I discovered that she had been inviting her boyfriend (who I didn't know about)and his mates round to my house with a few of her girlfriends. The boyfriend is 17 and they have had sex, resulting in an ongoing police investigation. During this time she also ran away from our house and her grandmothers house at night to see this boy. After much discussion I thought I had got through to her and I know for a fact that she is no longer seeing this boy.

Cut to today, 1st day back at school and I have just discovered she is truanting today with one of her friends. I have texted her and the only reply I get is her telling me to phone the police and have her put into care. I am at my wits end, any advice would be great

[TheArsenicCupCake]

I'm wondering if there is anything going on at school that is making her lean toward cutting school. Or is it more the friends issue and general attitude.
What the school has in place regarding attendance? .. at ds1(14) school they have to register in at every lesson the school will phone parents if they haven't attended even one lesson without a good reason/letter of support to do this.

could you have a chat with the school to see if they could do this type of thing if they don't already have something in place.

Do you have a PFSA ( a support worker) attatched to the school, who might be able to help with her attendance or issues within the school? Or you could have a chat with the educational welfare officer.. and see what they might be able to suggest?

To start with I probably wouldn't read the riot act to her..I'd just wait for her to come home.. ask why she wasn't in school.. and listen. Yet I would have already called the the school and arranged things to be in place to stop her truanting.

IMo it's time to see what is making her tick, try and get her engaged with her education and future.. and make it very difficult for her to continue to do this.

this is a battle that does have to be fought imo.. but if it were me i'd be very clever about the way I fought it.. rather than exploding ( which is what I would actually want to do).

I think your probably going to find out that there are some reasons behind it all.

sorry if that's not much help.

[KatieScarlett2833]

I have called the school and am waiting for the year head to call me back. I think she has taken today off to be with her friend and the friends boyfriend (that she is banned from seeing). It was not a spur of the moment thing, she was seen wearing casual clothes so must have changed at school after I dropped her off.

She was on an attendance report due to the previous truanting episode which ended just before christmas. The school would no doubt have called me today if I hadn't called them first. Since the first episode, her entire family have been supporting her and talking to her about her attitude and behaviour, which had improved a lot over the festive season. She generally does well in school and has many friends. I just don't understand what has posessed her to do this again after all the trouble last time.

[TheArsenicCupCake]

Has she given any indication as to why she's been doing this? I think that may be the key you know.
Great that she has a supportive family try and stay calm (ish) as it will give her less to argue and fight against.

just to let you know that I speak as one who seriously truanted at the same age as your dd, no matter what my poor parents did. The root of the probem for me was that I was being bullied but didn't want to tell anyone. Not saying this is the cause.. but peer pressure is a difficult thing. particularly when I had been doing really well in school prior to it.
However, it was a fantastic art teacher, who cottoned on to what made me tick.. and through a lot of hard work I did get good gcse's and went onto college and uni.

I reckon it'll get resolved when you get the back issues from her side. (not saying at all that she has any excuse and ought to get away with it.)

[KatieScarlett2833]

Have spoken to friends mother who said that her daughter was crying and wailing last night about not being allowed to see her boyfriend, so that's why I think she has gone. However, the boyfriend is being charged with stat rape and they are going in fromt of a childrens panel soon over the daughters behaviour.

I am loath to say my DD is being influenced by this girl, but the tone of the texts she has sent back to me today suggests she is showing off in front of her friend. She behaves well at home, is cuddly and loving and we can talk about anything. No bullying, DD is a very strong charachter. I have no idea why she is doing this.

[KatieScarlett2833]

Just had a text saying she is not coming home, is staying with her "pals", she hates it at home cos she is not allowed out to see her "pals". Oh, and she's only young once!

She is not allowed out due to truanting and running away with said "pals".

I have replied saying how much I love her.I don't know what else to do.

[TheArsenicCupCake]

If you know or can find out where she is.. go and pick her up.. no choice in the matter about it. I wouldn't text or ask where she is.. I would be waiting at pals house until she arrives there.

sounds like you have a dd who is very different with said 'pals'..
got to pop out.. will check in later

[KatieScarlett2833]

Have been driving around all known associates, the stat rape boys parents said they called for him earlier but he was at school. DH is off out driving around the streets, they are not at the other girls house as her mother and I are in regular contact. I have no idea where she is.

[noddyholder]

Can the police help you out by tracking her down and bringing her home to 'scare' her a bit?I would be at my wits end too tbh You sound like a good mum some kids are just so willful at this age.

[KatieScarlett2833]

I called out the police the second time she ran away from home, they frogmarched her to the cells, searched her and it didn't seem to bother her one bit at the time.

[Molesworth]

My heart goes out to you KS having been through a v similar scenario with my DD.

She often used to do disappearing acts: I lost count of the number of times she had to be brought home by the police

It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things, as far as any response can be considered 'right' in this situation. I remember feeling very torn between coming down on her hard (thinking she might be pushing for firm boundaries) or being sympathetic and supportive. I never did find the right balance and suspect I should've erred more on the side of 'tough'.

I hope you track DD down soon. It might be a good idea to give the police a call. As Noddy says, this might give her a fright and make her think.

[Molesworth]

Cross-posted. Police involvement never bothered my DD either

[KatieScarlett2833]

Molesworth, did she turn out OK in the end?

It's so baffling, she has been fine, even went out of her way to make my birthday special by decorating the house, buying me a great present, coming in for cuddles, etc (two days ago). Today, she hates living at home and only wants to be with her pals and is defiant about not coming home.

[Molesworth]

My DD is 18 now and things are MUCH better. She dropped out of school completely (they were awful: just looking for reasons to get rid of her rather than trying to help). She went to a special education unit for a while, which was excellent (one-to-one teaching, great staff) but she couldn't stick that either so she now has no qualifications and no job. BUT she is much better in herself and, although I wish she was doing something (studying, voluntary work etc), I've no doubt she'll get herself sorted eventually.

My DD was pretty awful at home though - general defiance and crappy behaviour - and your situation does sound baffling. Is it primarily the 'bad influence' of her peers, do you think?

[KatieScarlett2833]

I hate to pass the buck and blame some other child, but, yes, her attitude changes dramatically when she is with this one girl in particular.

Have just had the truancy oficer on the phone,(have already met her on previous occasion) who is going to get the head to call me. She is most sympathetic and understands that every effort is being made by us, but how can I keep her in school when she can just walk out whenever she pleases?

[Molesworth]

My dd had one particular friend like that too: whenever they were together they both seemed to turn into demons! It wasn't that the other girl was a bad influence so much as they seemed to be a bad influence on each other.

And yes, it's impossible to force her to attend school. All you can do is what you're already doing. It's so incredibly frustrating and there's not much in the way of support for parents going through this situation: how are you bearing up?

[KatieScarlett2833]

Terrible, off to collect DS from school then will have to call the police....again....

[KatieScarlett2833]

Have just heard from one of DD's friends mothers that she is currently at DD's grans with the other girl. DH is on his way to get her, what do I do to not make this worse when she comes home?

[fortyplus]

Stay calm - however angry and frustrated you feel. Somehow you need your dd to understand that school benefits her not you. You want her there because you want her to have a bright future. The world is a tough place - she can't afford to leave without qualifications.

Point out to her that the house she lives in, the car she drives, the holidays she takes, the people she mixes with...

...are all affected by the job she gets, the money she earns. And that's not being materialistic or putting down anyone without much money, it's just making her understand that academic success brings choices in life.

Phew!! Good luck - I have 2 sons 16 and 14 so I feel for you

[KatieScarlett2833]

Hi forty, she knows all this, have been over it time and time again and also reinforced by school, extended family and CID.

She has a very happy, close, family who have all worked and studied hard to be able to afford nice house, cars, holidays,school trips, etc. Up till the beginning of December she was on track to get top marks in all her subjects, no idea how her behaviour has impacted on this.

I'm practising staying calm, really, I'm more shocked and bewildered than anything else.

[Poppity]

Hmmm, as an errant teen myself (dated a man more than twice my age, dissappeared overnight regularly etc, truanting-although was college age by then), I would say that I always look back and wonder why my parents weren't more strict.

I haven't reached this stage with my own children yet, so may well change my mind when I get there!

However, my parents were quite straight and I had that typical teen view that they just didn't understand. They I know, were afraid of alienating me and so chose the middle ground. This meant they occasionally confronted me gently, but usually pussyfooted around me (poor things, I was horrid).

I grew up in a nice stable home as yours sounds to be, and honestly have no idea why I behaved in the way I did.

I think that if they had really laid the law down, I would have obeyed, being a good girl at heart too.

BUT, I don't know wha could have been done about the truanting. It wasn't that I didn't like school, I was very academic, but more that I couldn't cope with it emotionally- again no idea why, it just overwhelmed me somehow.

This is partly to do with personality I think- traditional education doesn't suit everyone and socially it can be difficult. And to this day I avoid administration of all sorts if possible.

For me it was also to do with the company I was keeping, ie the older man. The world was a very bewildering place for me back then, I think even more so because I came from a nice family and so emotionally was probably pretty sheltered and naive.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say other than I believe it would have been better for me if my parents had laid the law down and stuck to it. They didn't restrict my activites or take away anything I loved (we had horses) for fear of hurting me, but they should have done. I would have hated them for a while, but it wouldn't have lasted long, and the repercussions of the continuation of my behaviour were huge.

This is obviously a very personal point of view, and even though I have been there, I can't explain what the reasons were. I can only say that I was fiercly independent with no idea how to be.

Sorry for the long post, hope things are ok

[Poppity]

Just to add, I still regret not going to University, people told me at the time that I would and I just thought- you're not me though are you?!

However I think the only way I could have stuck with it would have been home ed. which wouldn't have been in the least easy for my parents, and would have involved some hefty ignoring-of-hatred on their part

[KatieScarlett2833]

I'm all for laying down the law, removal of phone and house arrest as she is a proven flight risk. We only just let her have her phone back yesterday as she was doing so well (How stupid do I feel).

Have just spoken to her head of house who is as astounded as I that she has done this again. Will be taking her into school (again) to meet with him first thing tomorrow.

Mercifully my lovely course tutor has given me a 2 week extension on my essay deadline as my concentration is shot.

[Poppity]

I am only going on my own experience, but I would say you need to ban the friend. It won't be popular, but it would have worked for me.
Is this possible, would the school support you on this?

[Poppity]

Also, would friend's mother support you? They are probably encouraging one another's behaviour, even unintentionally. Again IME, sorry.

[fortyplus]

Poppity - you are me!!! Except I was 16 when I went off the rails with 48 yo man... very charismatic Irish horse dealer.