Please help me with a stroppy almost 15 y/o!

[Standbyme]

Sorry if this turns out to be a long rant - I'm feeling utterly frazzled!

A bit of background: DH was made redundant in May. He has had precious little work since, just a bit of self-employed stuff. Money is hideously tight and making Christmas nice for everyone has been stressful. I work full time in a very demanding job but am terrified of losing it so am going the extra mile all the time and am knackered by the end of each day and week. I drop DD (aged almost 15) at school on my way to work and she makes me late most mornings by refusing to get out of bed.

We have had my mum (aged 86) to stay for Christmas as usual as my brother is too selfish and up himself to bother (he has lived at his current house for 12 years and we have never once been invited there!) He came over with new wife and his MIL on 27th for a free meal (arrived at 3pm for lunch with no explanation or apology, just some crap about bad traffic which was a blatant lie - he just likes a lie in). The following day, my mum collapsed and we spent the day in A&E - she is recovering now thankfully.

Last night, the last straw was DD refusing to eat dinner on the grounds that "it tastes like shit". Quite apart from her (all too frequent) rudeness, I wouldn't give in because I can't afford to waste food and because she will only fill up on biscuits later on if I let her. I ended up literally spoon-feeding her (yeah really!) at the end of which I asked if the food had been okay really and she just belched in my face and said "there's your answer"

I'm sorry to say I completely lost it - her default mode at the moment is surly and rude and I'm shocked at her insensitivity - how does she think the last few days have been for me? Does she give a shit? I don't think so. Meanwhile DH lounges on the sofa and rolls his eyes ? (but only in the adverts so that he doesn?t miss anything on telly...grrrr)

Sorry to go on - I just need to find a way to make DD consider other people's feelings and tear her focus away from Facebook & YouTube makeup videos for once!!

[SpanishCYBILwar]

Well it sounds like you have had quite a stressful Christmas, but your problems with dd are not just about that.

From now on, if she is not ready when you leave for work, despite warnings (NOT pleadings) go without her.

If she decides your food is not up to scractch, don't give her any. Do all these things calmly and assertively.

She is a teenage so by default is capable of extreme selfishness and insensitivity (and you are right she probably hasn't given a thought to your situation) but spoonfeeding her, literally! will not teach her to think about others and how much they do for her. take a step back and see if she makes more of an effort.

(I have a stroppy 14 yr old btw, and lots of other MNers do too so sure more advice will come along)

[dwpanxt]

Remember when she was 2? All that screaming and NO NO NO - MINE struggle to exert her personality. You dealt with it all then and now she has grown up a little bit its all back again.

Imagine her as a tiny girl again -how would you see her antics then? Can you see the way she is trying to get a reaction from you. "Do you still love me Mummy?" Even when I do this? What about if I dont do that?

She sees the rest of the family behaving selfishly and wants a bit of the action. You are the mother who looks after them all-brother included it seems, Your thoughts and feelings really dont enter into her selfish world at the moment. You are just there.

Eventually, if she was previously a reasonable girl, she will revert back. How long that takes can depend on how you react to her shenanigans.

I wont presume to tell you what to do or how to do it. So much depends on your family dynamic. Just try to step outside of the situation to get an idea of what is underlying the behaviour.

I said I wont tell you what to do but a few mornings of being late for school (dont listen to the screams of its all your fault)or some missed meals will not harm her at all.

Most importantly though make sure YOU are treated well. Give DH a list of things to do while he is at home,Meals cooked, food bought etc. Its a win win situation all round

[Goblinchild]

Some very good advice here
Stay calm, don't see her behaviour as a hatred of you and try and keep your voice level and unemotional. She will feed on your distress and negativity. be logical and stick to the specifics n a discussion or explanation. Don't get into arguments, she had more energy and focus than you and will argue you into the floor.
Can she get to school by herself? Then she should, starting with this new term.
make sure you have food in (whoever buys it) that she can access without your help.
Pasta, rice, soups, things she can heat or prepare herself. If she doesn't eat what you provide, leave her alone and walk off, either in reality or emotionally be unaccessible to her. You need some distance. And some clear, simple rules that are inflexible. Only a few, but no negotiation.
No, she won't be considerate or thoughtful, what's in it for her?
Parent of two teens, one with Asperger's so emotional references won't work on him!

[Goblinchild]

Your OH appears to have disengaged already, time to make him help with parenting too.

[Standbyme]

Thank you all so much! I feel much better in that you have all said what I have been thinking - it's just when you are in the midst of it, it's so easy not to be able to see the wood for the trees. Her older bro (17) is emerging from the chrysalis slowly, so I'm sure she will too one of these days!!

Thanks again!

[mumblechum]

Definitely go without her if she's not ready. A few lunchtime detentions for lateness will soon sort her out. If she doesn't want to eat the meals you make, firstly chuck hers in the bin, secondly she should be making at least one dinner per week if you're working full time.

In the meantime, here's a big warm winceyette pyjama'd hug.

[Standbyme]

Hi mumblechum - thanks for the much-needed hug! That's a really good idea about them all making one dinner per week - hadn't thought of that one....let's see how that goes down

By the time she emerged from her pit yesterday she was hugely apologetic which made life a bit easier and (it turns out) on her period. Out with the Evening Primrose Oil!

Thanks again!