help! 15yo daughter drinking

[MilkTrayGirl]

Hello,
I'm having a crisis with my 15yr old daughter and would appreciate other parents' opinions on how to handle it please! (apologies for long post)
My daughter used to self harm and I know a lot of people may not agree, but I occasionally check her computer (facebook etc) without her knowing, so that we can keep tabs on her real mood. She is quite good at putting on an "I'm ok" front and we felt we needed to know if it started again (rather than finding out when it's got bad enough she can't hide the signs). Her best friend in particular she always used to tell when she felt like cutting herself and her friend was (from what I've read) very supportive.

A while ago we moved away to a new town and she has occasionally got the train to go and stay back with this friend. According to recent facebook comments and chats the last weekend they had a sleepover in the summerhouse.. a "girly sleepover" we were told but seeing the video and pictures, there was a party, boys and beer/cider.. my daughter appeared to be slurring and wobbly on her feet. The boys slept over in the same room and they essentially paired up into corners. I looked further into her chats and there's quite a few references to "oh you're going to stay with so-and-so, guess you'll get very drunk then" and references to her being hungover a few times particularly on the train coming back the last time.

I don't want my daughter to find out that I'm snooping, and I do intend to keep an eye on what's going on in the future, because I'm worried she's going to be putting herself in danger. Obviously I don't want her sleeping over with boys and alcohol apparently unsupervised in what had the appearance of a frat party.
We had previously trusted the parents of this girl she stays with, but having spoken to them on the phone about my concerns over that weekend it's obvious that there is a massive difference between what we think is appropriate for a 15yr old! The mum who I've always considered sensible and responsible actually said "well they'd only be down the park doing it anyway at least we know where they are"!! It became apparent from the conversation that her daughter is being given a free rein with boys, sleepovers, parties and alcohol and while I kept calm and polite I did make it crystal clear that I am not happy with my daughter having alcohol, unsupervised, while she's supposed to be in their care. I mean really - when you put together older boys (17 and 18), 15 year old girls, crates of beer, a summerhouse and mattresses on the floor how can you not see that's a recipe for disaster??? As you might tell I'm fuming over this! In every other way my daughter is a good kid (messiness and occasional rudeness excepted!) very hard-working at school, and in the past we've made it very clear to her that we're happy to discuss parties and alcohol in a sensible way as she gets older but that the main problem to us would be dishonesty and her going behind our backs. Maybe three times in the last few months she has asked to have a beer or try some wine when we've had some with dinner and we've let her have one it's left half-finished. Yet she seems from what I've read to see going to this friend's house as "time to get drunk".

We don't want to overreact and force this problem underground or make her rebel but obviously we need to do something to change the situation. Any thoughts gratefully received.

thanks very much

Milktraygirl

[Tortington]

i think its something that a lot of 15 yos experience.

but i would not be happy re the boys and lack of supervision.

not be happy not knowing it was happening.

my 16 yo twins occasionally go out to parties and get drunk - but i know wehre they are, who they are with and i manage the situation as best i can - driving them there/picking them up etc.

[MilkTrayGirl]

Thanks for the replies. I expected something like this to happen sooner or later. I guess while I'm disappointed and worried about dd, I'm more furious with this girl's parents.

From our conversation they frequently keep out of the kids way in their room with their wine or go out, and how dare they decide, without even mentioning anything to us that it's fine for dd to sleep in a room with older boys and alcohol!? Saying to me "at least they're not in the park and it isn't drugs" isn't that comforting because from their attitude they wouldn't have a clue whether drugs were there or not!

I just don't know if I can let dd sleep over there again now I doubt there's a responsible adult keeping an eye on things, and that would mean a big fight with dd as she's one of her best friends. Not sure whether that would cause a rebellion?
As for the friend coming here she's come over once since we moved a year ago.. (it's a 3 hour train journey) and despite us providing lifts, making suggestions etc the girls were bored saying there was nothing to do.. Dd is on a mission to prove it's boring around here (sulks about moving despite her originally being very much in favour) NOwhere is as good as the town we left! Her new friends here are "boring" (maybe they don't have mixed drunken sleepovers?!) and she generally turns down their invitations to go ice-skating, swimming, shopping, cinema etc. She lives for her occasional weekend back "home" and I do feel for her but she's not exactly tried to make the best of it.

There is a friend of dd's whose parents we trust.. do you think it would be reasonable to say she can only go if she stays at night with her? Should we explain to dd and say she definitely can't sleep over at this girl's house again or is putting my foot down like that going to cause a bigger mess?

[Tortington]

i just wouldnt let her.

tbh the whole thing doesn;t seemhelpful

she is not engaging in her new life becuase she still has access to the old one.

i would ( shithouse that i am) just make things impossible to arrange.

i think its best if this freindship goes off the boil. it sounds like your dd needs to engage with her new friends

[desertmum]

This drinking at 15 is such a worry for me too. My DD is also offered beer and wine at home with a meal - same as yours it's left half finished, but she will happily do shots when out in town with her friends. She is grounded - again - after I saw on her FB page that she had been doing shots again after I suspected it when she got home one night last weekend. Huge arguments, shouting and tears - from her, cold lay it on the line from me. I am so fed up with the parents who say they are fine, they all do it, it's safe here, blah blah. My friends daughter (17) had her drink spiked a couple of weeks ago and was in ICU for two days. That was very scarey and altho DD knows this she still thinks she is invincible which is why I have to take charge. They think they are so grown up but they are still children really.

So glad to read others feel the same as I so often seem to be the only one saying no.

Agree with the others re not letting her go - sounds like an accident waiting to happen really. I know they all experiment but it should be difficult for them not laid on a plate.

N