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DSD doesn't want to go to her prize-winning because she doesn't want everyone looking at ther - what would you do?

26 replies

giddyupRudolph · 12/12/2009 20:00

She is year 9, it's the school prize winner evening next week. Most of the prize winners are year 11, there are only 4 from year 9 of which she is one. She doesn't know what she's won.

She's getting really stressed about it. She says she doesn't want to go because she doesn't want everyone looking at her. I have pointed out to her

  1. that with about 200 prize winners she will only be on the stage for a matter of seconds
  2. that she won't be the centre of attention if there are 200 people there
  3. that she will create more attention by not going - "the prize for XYZ goes to KP, where's KP, is she not here? etc etc"


I have also told her that it's something to be proud of, we're all proud of how well she's doing at school. I've also given her the "your mum and dad and I will all be very disappointed if we don't get to see you get your prize".

What would you do? Would you keep pushing it? Make her go? Step back? I really don't know what to do.
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snigger · 12/12/2009 20:09

Let her choose.

She's either

(a) drumming up a bit of drama

or

(b) genuinely caking it about appearing in front of everyone

or

(c) genuinely caking it about appearing in front of everyone but secretly looking forward to the attention.

Try a bit of light ego massage but don't push it : "DD, we'd love the chance to watch you gather the rewards you've earned, but there's no pressure - if you need a chat to boost your nerves, no problem, but if you'd rather duck out, well, you've earned the reward whether you turn up for it or not."

Don't push her. If she doesn't go, but you've been supportive, she can hardly hold it against you, but if you force her and she trips over her laces, you're dead.

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giddyupRudolph · 12/12/2009 20:11

She's not drumming up drama, she has low self-esteem (better than it was, but a long way to go).

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mathanxiety · 12/12/2009 20:18

How about trying to get her to understand it's not all about her, that if nobody showed up the evening would be a silly joke. The awards evening is not being put on specifically to embarrass her. Teachers, etc. who would much prefer to stay at home or get some Christmas preparations done are giving up their evening to hand out awards. The least she could do is go gracefully, get over herself, and accept whatever she receives. Sometimes people who think everyone is looking at them and thinking about them (teens in general, and I'm a mum of three of them) need to experience the worst thing that could happen (tripping over shoelaces) in order to get a little sense of perspective. So, I vote for making her go.

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fluffles · 12/12/2009 20:21

is it possible for you to have a quiet word with teh school and find out what the award is for to take away some of the unknown factor?

she should definately go, but it would be better if it was her choice than you having to force her

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Ponders · 12/12/2009 20:22

She doesn't have to go though, does she? It's not generally a huge deal if someone misses - can you find out from school?

If she's really genuinely suffering at the idea of being exposed like this I think it might do more harm to make her go.

She's done very well to win; that should boost her self-esteem, even if she doesn't attend

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Ponders · 12/12/2009 20:22

Do you have to RSVP?

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IBlameThePMT · 12/12/2009 20:24

If you let her decide to go/not to go maybe she would feel more in control and end up going..? Long shot!

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giddyupRudolph · 12/12/2009 20:29

I'm trying to encourage her to make her mind up to go. I do agree though, it will put things into perspective for her. You can't go through life avoiding things you don't want to do. Well, you can, but it means you're not likely to reach your full potential.

I'll get DH to speak to her mother too to get her to lay it on thick as well when she speaks to her.

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giddyupRudolph · 12/12/2009 20:30

We do have to RSVP. We'll say yes whatever ends up happening.

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mimsum · 12/12/2009 20:37

we had this with ds with his first prize-giving - he is very solipsistic (has asperger's) and genuinely believed that everyone was going to be looking at him and judging him and that he would be the centre of attention

eventually we got him to agree to go with the proviso that he could leave as soon as he'd accepted his prize - he did it and of course, it was fine and no-one laughed at him (or even noticed him really!)

last year he went along and accepted his prize with no drama or fuss whatsoever, so I'm really glad we 'made' him go the first time - if we hadn't, we'd have had the same song and dance every single year ...

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Ponders · 12/12/2009 20:54

FWIW, at the one & only prizegiving a child of mine was ever invited to, they took the students off to a back room before it started & got them all organised into the order they wanted them to come on; so they would have known if someone wasn't there, & didn't read the name out.

They came to the foot of the steps in their group, then up the steps, cross the stage, shake hands with whoever & get their envelope (book token), & off again, in a production line.

Mind you that included a dozen or so prize-winners for each of Y7-Y10, not just a handful of younger ones & everything else Y11. So she still might be spotlighted

I would ring the school & find out how it's organised before committing.

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giddyupRudolph · 13/12/2009 11:19

Have just discovered that the prize giving is actually in January, we just have to RSVP this week. So I have a month to work on her.

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Earthstar · 13/12/2009 11:38

Why not have a run through - the school will tell you the format and then it will seem easier on the day

Eg tell her what to say when the big wig shakes her hand

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inthesticks · 13/12/2009 15:47

My DS was dreading his first Speech Day as they call it here.

The whole thing was rehearsed and organised like a military operation. Those receiving prizes sat in the front rows in the order in which they were to be called up. They went on stage one side and off the other while everyone shuffled along one and the prize winner then sat at the other end. It was done at lightning speed.

Ds certainly went red and hung his head but was much less worried the following year.
Perhaps it's worth finding out whether they do a rehersal? Also lots of kids don't seem to have their parents there and painful as it may be for you, she might be more comfortable without you there?

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giddyupRudolph · 14/12/2009 21:05

DH has just told me he thinks we need to give up, that there is no chance we will get her there as she gets tearful every time it's mentioned.

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inthesticks · 15/12/2009 15:43

Then give up and tell her it doesn't matter. It's meant to be a reward not a punishment and is not that important.

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mathanxiety · 15/12/2009 15:48

If it's got that bad, then I'd be wondering what is the problem and maybe getting her a bit of help -- not specifically in order to go to the ceremony, but to have her assessed for some sort of anxiety problem. Sounds like more than just teenage self-absorbtion. If she has an anxiety disorder, it might eventually interfere with her academic progress.

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MadameDuBain · 15/12/2009 15:57

Oh the poor love, I totally know how she feels. I hate stuff like this. Be on her side and tell her you'll say yes but if she's still not up for it on the day, you will phone and say she's ill. Also tell her well done for getting the prize, and maybe giver her a treat that she would like instead (eg cinema trip or meal out?).

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MadameDuBain · 15/12/2009 16:00

I don't know mathanxiety, I don't think I've got anything very wrong with me but I do just hate being the centre of attention - I'm just shy. As an adult I've had to make myself do it and it's possible to learn, but I don't think she should have to at her age, when embarrassment and self-consciousness can be at their worst. Making it into a big deal might be counterproductive.

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Ponders · 15/12/2009 16:08

I imagine this sort of anxiety is quite common in early teens (even without self-esteem concerns) & most of them will probably grow out of it.

I wouldn't even mention it again now until the event is close - RSVP that she will come, in case she does change her mind, but if she remains adamant just ring school at the last minute & say she can't be there after all; one less won't be a big deal to them, & not worth stressing her out about.

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Ponders · 15/12/2009 16:09

Oh, what MadameDB said in fact & def offer her the treat!

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mathanxiety · 15/12/2009 16:09

I just wondered about the tearing up aspect. I'm another who hates the idea of everyone looking at me, speaking in a group terrifies me, but I've never teared up about it.

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giddyupRudolph · 15/12/2009 20:20

I think she just had very low self-esteem (she's been passed from pillar to post a bit in recent years and is only now really starting to find her feet). Unless she feels very confident about something, she's extremely unconfident. There's no middle ground. She can be confident about odd things though - she is happy to fly to France on her own having never done it before, but she won't go onto a stage to collect a prize.

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mumblechum · 16/12/2009 14:01

I'm sure they'll do a rehearsal. DS got a prize this year and they had a run through the day before. As others have said, they walk up, get the prize (usually a book token), shake the head's hand and walk off again. No actual speech or anything required. Do you think she thinks she has to give a thank you speech or something?

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ElenorRigby · 30/12/2009 07:54

Sounds to me like she might possibly have social anxiety disorder (SAD). What is she like in other social situations?

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