Need help/advice/support with teenage DSD (very sensitive)

[KarmaAngel]

Last year DSD (now 17) was raped. She was 15 and a virgin at the time. There's a thread somewhere on here. Earlier this year we went to court and the bastard got 13 years. She had a terrible time of it (understandably) and was very down and angry.

After she finished school in the summer we allowed her to go on holiday with her friend (just the 2 of them) to Greece. This really did her the world of good. She was very sensible whilst out there (although the friend she went with we trusted to look after her anyway and she is 2 years older). She had a great time and I think it helped her gain some independence and get some control back. She did really well in her GCSEs and these boosted her confidence even more. She really did seem to be doing well.

She started sixth form in September and her A-Levels. After a couple of weeks she started to get a bit down, but didn't really want to open up. Her birthday was at the end of September she went out with a big group of friends for a meal and they went clubbing afterwards. She ended up at some point in the night going outside, she collapsed and ended up in hospital having cut her big toe to pieces. She said she was spiked but we're starting to think after recent events that she's actually drinking herself unconscious.

Since then there's been so many drinking related incidents, were she's been brought home in a police van, gone out for days on end and completely missing weeks of 6th form. The most recent incident last weekend she broke her hand after getting into a fight with one of her best friends. I had a phone call from 6th form last Monday she had been disruptive and upset in lessons and was sitting with the student support officer. (The school already know and she has been seeing the school counsellor every week). The support officer wanted to make an urgent appointment with the GP because DSD was talking about suicide very seriously and also going into detail on how she's do it.

So she saw the GP who has referred her to a psychiatrist and for anger management (which are both due to begin before christmas) and also want to give her anti-depressants. But DSD refused the tablets. The past week has been really hard. I feel like I can't help her at all. Feel completely useless (as does DH) We don't know what to do, how to help her. She doesn't want to talk, she doesn't want to do anything really except drink (alcohol) and sleep. I think she's borderline alcoholic now as she drinks to forget, and when she does drink she can't just have 1 she has to have several.

We don't know where she is half the time. She'll say she's in one friends house, when said friend will ring asking for her. We don't want to push her to tell us where she is as we don't want to put pressure on her. But at the same time we are constantly worried about her. TBH I think she's spending a lot of time with a destructive ex of hers. I found recent photos on her camera of her in bed with the ex (not sexy photos). I know I shouldn't have snooped but we're so worried she's going to do something (even more) destructive or stupid.

Just feel so helpless and down. I want to go back in time to when she was 13 and was that teenager full of attitude who'd constantly give me lip and not the broken girl I see everyday. The only thing that makes her smile these days are her little sisters. I think if she hadn't considered the effect on them she might have gone through with the suicide before now.

Sorry it's so long.

[TeenageWildlife]

I don't know what to say but I couldn't read your post and not say anything at all. I hope someone comes along soon with some good, sound MN advice for you. Just wanted to send hugs.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

I also wanted to say I have read your post and now have a huge lump in my throat

I just don't know what to say, I am so sorry for you all

What great parents you sound, I sincerely hope someone comes along with some practical advice for you

[CarGirl]

I remember the original thread .

I have no idea, no suggestions.

I was a very depressed teenager and had my suicide worked out but was too frightened of my father in case I failed.

What would have helped? Someone cuddling me (even if I had initially pushed them away/refused etc) and telling them how much they love me and much they wished they could change it all for me.

Just keep pushing for all the professional help available.

HTH

[desertmum]

Agree with Cargirl, keep the hugs going, tell her you love her, reinforce positive thinking about herself, praise her GCSE results again, try to get her to talk about what she wants to do when she has finished her A levels - a long way ahead I know but try and give her some goals to aim for. As well as after school goals try some short term goals, ie, if you do a full week/month in school/don't drink for a week we can go to the spa together/get our nails done/get our hair done etc. Small steps I guess.

Also does she do any sport/exercise ? It is a great benefit if you are feeling depressed. Perhaps you could go to the gym together or try and encourage her to go for a walk with you every day. Do you have a dog ? If not, can you visit an animal sanctuary ? Animals are also very therapeutic.

Sorry it's all I can think of - and I really do sympathise with you and her - what an awfl thing to happen.

[olderandwider]

Hi, I am so sorry you and your DSD are going through this. It sounds as if your daughter is understandably still distraught by what happened.

Looking at things from her point of view, the man who hurt her so terribly is now in prison, Great. But she is probably still feeling pain and anger and humiliation and a thousand other emotions (who wouldn't?). Perhaps she expected to feel better once the guy was in prison, but, hardly suprisingly, it seems she doesn't. She may be reacting to that feeling of disappointment as well as the awful events themselves.

I think she needs expert care from someone with a long track record of treating victims of rape. I think your DSD needs help to understand why she feels so bad, still, even after the man has been punished.

Really hope you find the help you need for her.

[Leenie]

Karma Angel, i am sorry i am not coming on here to offer any words of advice, actually quite the opposite, i am desperate to talk to someone who has gone through what i am going through, my DD now 16 was raped last year, she was also 15, we are due in court next month, the vile pig who did this is currently in prison and has just been on trial for another rape so we are waiting to hear what the sentence is for that also.

my DD is destroyed inside, my cheerful cheeky girl has gone, she is so aggresive now, and keeps running off when things dont go her way, she won't go back to school, its been almost a year now come spring, and she should be studying for her GCSE's. She will not accept counselling or anger managment, or help of any kind, and i am so scared that she is not going to cope with the court case, i know i cant even come close to understanding how she feels,

she has nightmares and often ends up sleeping on the floor in my room as she wont be on her own if her big sister isn't home, she doesn't feel confident to go out much other than very locally, i don't know how to reach her, and i just want to make it all better for her , i don't think there is a day that goes by that i dont think about what happened to her, i had been pacing up and down in my living room venting my anger at her cos she was late home(it was about 10pm)and her curfew was 9, trying to call her mobile and thinking she had switched it off to be smart and stay out later, my door knocking and me marching to answer it and give her what for, only it wasnt her , it was two police officers, who came in , sat me down and told me my Daughter had been attacked and they had come to bring me to the hospital where she was,

i could hardly breathe when i saw her, she looked so broken and lost,i cried more tears for her that night than i think i have ever cried before in my life, and it is so weird as i have dreams where i am there with her, i see what he done to her as though i really was there, does that sound mad?? i have tried to talk to her but she clams up, so now i don't but i feel like i should, i need her to know that she doesnt have to keep it all in, but every time we have had any kind of appointment in connection with it, either with, the Haven, or the sapphire unit she is unbearable to be around afterwards, she becomes so aggressive,

her SOIT officer rang last night to confirm a date to view the court and she totally went off the rails, she ended up attacking her sister and throwing a shoe at her head which caused a big lump on her forehead, ny older DS cried and told me that i dont protect her or do anything when younger DD attacks her and that if it had been the other way around i would have sent her to her room and gone mad at her, i did get inbetween them and break the fight up, but i don't know how to deal with yDD at the moment and i am scared she will run away again if i try to discipline her or tell her off, i desperately need help with her but she is just refusing everything, i feel like i am almost scared of her now, not in the way that she would hurt me (although she has threatened to hit me) but scared of her reaction, scared of making things any worse than they already are,

can you please tell me how did your DD cope with the whole court thing, as it is getting closer and closer, sorry my post is so long, i just have so much questions and emotionswhizzing round and round in my head and i dont know who to approach with them,

i cannot bear the thought of my family knowing, it would break their hearts if they knew, so i have to keep lying to them, that she is doing great at school and all is fine,

[AnyFucker]

bumping this

I am so sorry for all your family leenie

I read that with tears pouring down my face (I have a teenage dd)

the original poster may no longer be around as this is an old thread, so you may not get a direct answer from her

perhaps you could re-post your own thread ?

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Well bloody hell alive your poor, poor daughters.

Hell. I too am sat here in tears and I am a cynical old cow, how on earth do you get over something like this as a family. I cannot even begin to imagine how I would begin to hold it together if my darling teen dd had suffered such things.

I have absoluetly no practical advice as anything would seem trite sounding. All I can say is carry on doing what you are doing - you are there for your dd's and you love them, and they know that. Thank god both your dd's have such loving homes.

Poor baby girls. Leenie your description of the evening with the police at your door has chilled me to the bone.

Agree anyfucker perhaps post your original thread. I am very sad that this thread was so ignored at the time.

With all best wishes for your girls and families. And for you too Karmaangel and Leenie. Truly every mother's nightmare what you are going through.

[AnyFucker]

leenie, would you like me to repost your thread for you ?

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Poor Leenie. Yes anyfucker I think that would be a good idea.

Hope someone comes along who can help a bit.

I hope also Karmaangel's dd is OK.

[AnyFucker]

I won't do it unless leenie comes back and says it is ok to do so

it is possible she has offloaded, found a place to vent and is happy to let this thread die again

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Fair enough.

Bloody hell though. Those bloody men I hope they rot.

[mumonthenet]

god leenie, I am so sorry for what has happened, I cannot begin to think how I can help.

But please come back if you feel you can, or start a new thread, or get AF to do it.

Can you get in touch with the rapecrisis centre on your own? They might be able to give you some help with your own feelings which may give you some pointers on how to help your dd.

I am so sorry.

[RonaldMcDonald]

I'm so sorry for your poor daughters and family.
The only thing I can suggest is trying to get a properly trained counsellor or therapist to see her for an intensive course. She might need to meet a number of them before she "clicks" with one but once the connection is made I think and hope she'll really see the benefit

[AnyFucker]

bump

[Leenie]

Hi, thank you for all of your support and kind words, AF, i would be more than happy for you to re post, i am truly hoping that KarmaAngel or another Mum who has or is living this may come across my thread (maybe we can support each other),so please feel free i had asked the police if my DD would be allowed to meet with the other victim, as i thought it might have helped them both through their trials,and given them strength if they could gone through it together, but because of the risk that the defense would imply that they had coherced with each other they couldn't.

I am meeting with the education dept this week to try and look at helping DD to re start her education, even this is making me nervous as i am worried she will get upset and freak out at the meeting, its between, someone from her school, the education welfare dept, me and DD and DD's SOIT worker.

[Hassled]

Leenie - could you show her what you've written here? Because it does show so much love, and so much understanding and empathy - maybe it would help her to see the words there in black and white, how you're feeling, how much you love her, and it might encourage her to get the help she needs.

And talk to Rape Crisis, talk to Womens' Aid, talk to your GP. There will be help out there (I just wish I knew what).

[AnyFucker]

Leenie, this is also posted now in the relationships topic, which tends to be quite busy, especially at night

I have re-wored it very, very slightly so it makes sense

all the best x

[Heated]

Am so sorry this has happened to your dd and your family.

Am only a little equipped to suggest re school, if you are looking to dd going back.

It would be good practice for school to appoint dd a mentor, one she feels happy talking to and to have a managed return to lessons, starting with / or only doing the GCSEs she feels most happy in and preparing her for what to say to students who ask re her absence. The alternative is to have a fresh start in the sixth form, with a form tutor carefully chosen, and to use the LEA's home schooling support service in the meantime (school usually instigates this, you could request that they do)

Was form tutor to one of a pair of sisters who went through a court case whilst in school, one your dd's age and one a bit younger (accused got 8yrs). They both had a teacher as a mentor, one who was trained in counselling and the other a motherly head of key stage, and they knew they could go to them at any time to talk about any thing.

The staff who taught them were aware vaguely of the issues so that they were sensitive to their needs, useful in subjects such as PSHE, RE, English, and could be protective without seeming to be, iyswim. Mum used to have frequent contact with the head of key stage just to check all was ok (head of ks used then to check with me) and also useful to have frequent dialogue just to forewarn if there were either issues at home or particular aspects of the court case coming up.

The youngest did say that she wished things could go back to how they were and was really angry at life/him for not letting her. She was also angry at her mum for being different around her and wanted her to go back to how she was - telling her off and being silly. Can remember having a conversation with her mum about this and both crying

Not sure if this has any relevance to you but thought I'd post just in case it did.

[AnyFucker]

Leenie...if you are still around, the thread I posted for you in the relationships topic has quite a few replies too