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Teenagers

Girlfriend to sleep over?

29 replies

mutter · 01/12/2009 15:59

My son as just turned 16 and has been seeing his girlfriend since the summer holidays.
She lives in a neighbouring town, and he visits her 3 or 4 nights a week, but because
I work nights, I can't always pick him up from hers, so her mum either brings him back or (more recently) allows him to stay over.

I was quite shocked to discover that when he stays there, they share a bed - the shock being due to the fact that she's only 14!

I've met the mum and whilst she seems very nice, she's obviously the sort of mother who believes in treating their daughters as 'best friends' (apparently they do everything together, tell each other everything, etc etc)and who has encouraged her to behave in an adult fashion from an early age (the girlfriend's younger sister si already wearing makeup and talking about boyfriends at age 9 - I thought she was nearer 13).

The issue has now cropped up where my son would like his girlfriend to stay here occasionally, and expects her to sleep in his room.
I've said no, for two reaons, one, because I feel she's simply too young (whatever her mum thinks) and secondly, because it puts my older daughter in the awkward situation of having to enforce my rules while I'm at work.

My son is obviously angry at my decision, and points out that if her mum doesn't mind, I shouldn't mind either.

Am I really being old fashioned?

I'd just add that I've impressed on my son the need to use condoms and he says his girlfriend's has contraceptive injections, so hopefully pregnancy is not an issue.

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Tortington · 01/12/2009 16:04

you son could be arrested for statuatory rape.

so never mind what the girls mother says - you are protecting your son.

i would say no to him going if he didn't come back

and no to her staying over.

and if he didn't like it

ummmmmmmmmmm let me thnk

hard shit mate

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pagwatch · 01/12/2009 16:06

exactly what custardo said.

My Ds1 is 16 too. No Way !

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madmissy · 01/12/2009 16:12

no no no don't let it happen

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FakePlasticTrees · 01/12/2009 16:14

Agree with others, you need to spell out in small words how much danger he is putting himself in, all it would take is for her mum to get stroppy and make a complaint, and the complaint alone could distroy several career choices. (you don't need to be convincted, just accused to flag up warnings if he ever wants to work with children in the future)

Also, at 14 her body is probably not completely settled - the injections might not be enough - tell him to use condoms as well (buy them for him if need be)- appart from anything else, it's not just getting pregnant he needs to worry about (although suggesting she might give him an STD might make you sound mean, perhaps focus on the 100% certain she's not going to get pregnant bit)

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BitOfFun · 01/12/2009 16:17

Oh good lord- how did this situation develop? I'd be furious with the other mother, but 3 or 4 nights with a boyfrind/girlfriend is way too much anyway- does he not have hobbies or exams to study for?

Definitely say no, and (sorry to be blunt here) you need to keep on the ball a bit better about what he's doing.

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JollyMrsChristmas · 01/12/2009 16:21

I wouldn't let him stay at hers either if shes only 14.

Break ups can get nasty at this age and your son could end up signing the sex offender register for a very long time!

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mutter · 01/12/2009 16:26

Thanks everyone for the comments so far, I'm feeling a bit more comfortable about being the wicked witch of the west now.

BitOfFun -
Just to clarify, the girlfriend lives in the town where my son goes to college, so a lot of his friends live there and he takes part in several after school activities, so it's not a case of him visitng her exclusively.

Thanks everyone for the comments so far, I'm feeling a bit more comfortable about being the wicked witch of the west now.

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bogie · 01/12/2009 16:28

I would say no, if they fell out and she wanted to get him in trouble she could very easily!

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BitOfFun · 01/12/2009 16:34

I think the other mother has taken the piss a bit by letting him stay rather than giving him a lift- it's exploiting the fact that you aren't there to disagree, and your ds has probably banked on that. I would be going medieval on his ass- does he think your head zips up the back?

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lazymumofteenagesons · 02/12/2009 11:34

No way. She's 14 and they should not be sharing a bed. Are they definitely having sex? If so, I would somehow put a stop to this relationship altogether - its against the law and could wreck the rest of his life if she got nasty.

Also, at 16 I think you have a perfectly good argument against him being out in the weeK 3/4 times. If he is at college, after any extra activities he should be coming home. God, I sound like my mother!

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lazymumofteenagesons · 02/12/2009 11:36

BTW if his college is in the same town as she lives, then if he leaves at a decent time he must be able to get home.

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BexJ78 · 02/12/2009 11:41

Oh my god, my parents and also my PIL did not let me boyfriend and i sleep in the same room when we were in our 20's and living together!!!!! we only were allowed to sleep in the same room when we got engaged (and we had been together for well over 5 years and since we left uni!!) Granted that is pretty extreme, but i would say not at 14!! It is against the law and regardless of the fact that lots of teenagers are having under-age sex, i dont think parents should be condoning it!

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Piffle · 02/12/2009 11:45

My son is nearly 16 as his girlf.
She is staying over this friday and he is taking an airbed downstairs and she is having his room, between them is the creaky stairs and our puppy. The dog will go nuts with excitement if either stray outside their rooms.
That said we leave them alone babysitting but I'm not prepared to consider bed sharing for many months yet, probably years.

I am quite sure that my son and his girlf are not sexually active yet, but very affectionate, but retain an open mind nonetheless.
If underage sex is occurring and the relationship ends badly, it is one call from her or her parents and your son goes on sex offenders register, worth noting

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mutter · 02/12/2009 12:25

Thanks for the comments so far.

Just to clarify, he doesn't STAY there 3 or 4 nights a week - just visits.

He might only stay once, or even not at all during the course of a week and that's normally at the weekend, because the buses don't run after 8pm and I need to be in work by 9.
On weekdays, he's not allowed to visit unless he's sure of getting the bus or a lift, either from me or her mum.

I'm taking on board the point about the law and how it might affect him in the future, and I admit, it's a very scary thought and it raises more issues about how I should try to handle the situation.
I'd hate to stop him seeing her (she's a nice kid and he genuinely thinks the world of her) but it's hard to see how I can enforce my rules in someone elses house.
I'm already aware that her mum sees me as old and 'posh' (she's her oldest child and he's my youngest)and I know my son likes being there and is always welcome there.

I'd feel I was pushing him towards spending more time there if I come down hard on him.

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mutter · 02/12/2009 12:30

And yes piffle, the sleeping over isn't really a problem - he's stayed with male friends near to college a lot in the last couple of years and the hospitaility has been returned.
I'm very happy he's got an active social life based largely around the college, but when you live out in the sitcks where public transport is rubbish, it's difficult to get round the practicalities of it sometimes.

I'm just gobsmacked to have discovered the sleeping arrangements when he stays at her house.

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Pimmpom · 02/12/2009 14:13

It would be a totally different matter if they were both 16 BUT they are not. I would let ds know that you were gobsmacked about sleeping arrangements and until she is 16, there will no more sleeping over.

I would be annoyed at gf's mother As if our job of parents of teenagers isn't hard enough!

Good luck x

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care4families · 06/01/2010 19:21

Talk to your teenagers. Explain about under age sex being illegal and why. My youngest daughter had several of her older brother's friends interested in dating her. Her Bother put a stop to this without me interfering.

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2rebecca · 06/01/2010 23:30

No, I would be discouraging the relationship if it is sexual and she is underage. It's highly likely she'll get pregnant, it's very unlikely it will last. Does he want to be paying CSA payments from the age of 17? Having sex with her is also illegal. I'd be refusing to let him stay over with his girlfriend if he continues to live with me. He sounds in serious danger of messing his life up.
I wouldn't let 2 16 year olds sleep together in my house either. If you're old enough to want to have sex then you should be leaving home and behaving like an adult in other ways too.

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lowrib · 07/01/2010 00:11

But here's the thing. I was having sex at 14 (with long term BF, aged 15 - his parents knew). My parents didn't find out till the next BF, when I was 15 (he was 18). They tried to stop it but it just pushed us closer together, and made me even more keen to leave home, which I promptly did at 16, to my mums horror.

"It's highly likely she'll get pregnant, it's very unlikely it will last."

Well, for me I was with this guy for 10 years. I didn't get pregnant. He is still one of my best mates.

I'm not saying go for it / just let them do what they like. But do tread carefully and try to treat your son like the adult he is turning into. No matter what you think, I expect your son is convinced in his own head that he is old enough to make adult decisions. By laying the law down, you run the risk of simply pushing him away.

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lowrib · 07/01/2010 00:13

2rebecca "If you're old enough to want to have sex then you should be leaving home and behaving like an adult in other ways too."

What a caring attitude

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Missus84 · 07/01/2010 00:16

It would be different if they were both 16, but make clear to your ds that you can't allow illegal sex in your house.

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2rebecca · 07/01/2010 09:55

My parents were caring and that was their attitude.
What's caring about wanting your daughter pregnant at 14 or your son a father at 16?
Parents sometimes have to parent.

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mumeeee · 07/01/2010 11:03

No you are not being old fasioned. she's only 14 and your son could get into a lot of trouble.

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LilRedWG · 07/01/2010 11:08

Pregnancy may not be an issue but STDs may.

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LilRedWG · 07/01/2010 11:08

BTW, not old fashioned at all.

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