'When they are 16, they can do what they want'

[Sherbert37]

Ex DH has been saying this recently whenever I try to talk to him about our DCs. Anything from mixed sleepovers with no parents there (DD at a friend's house NO NO NO), alcohol, staying out late, being late for school. DS1 is 16 and DD is 14. They are basically good kids but a few things like this have been cropping up recently.

Surely society / school expects parents to be in charge still at this age? Ex DH cannot see that he is taking the easy way out, or am I being too strict / controlling?

[Sherbert37]

It is also difficult for very opinionated DS2 who sees older siblings as 'getting away' with things when, as you say Riven, there are few sanctions a parent has.

The school one is interesting as they are quick to send letters to parents about lateness when DS1 does not legally have to be there.

The joys.

[nickschick]

We have this disagreement a bit too....Dh thinks at 16 ds is responsible enough to make his own choices .......I know he isnt,my reasoning is that Im an adult theres lots of stuff id like to do too but as an adult living in a home with a family I cant and therefore I say ds1 has a similar responsibility to us.

I dont mind him going out within reason and so long as i have a fair idea where he is thats ok but as I quite often collect him then thats just a politeness - i dont leave the house without saying where im going and roughly how long i will be.

He is at college and therefore responsible for himself however as he still likes me to wake him up and prepare his packed lunch then i ask that he informs me of what he is upto- equally any problems with his bank and ema i sort out - if he wants to become self sufficient then all these things stop.

Hes at a strict college and they do inform me quickly of lateness and test results- he chose that college,knowing these consequences.

[nickschick]

realises i sound like a bitch

[pagwatch]

Gosh I don't agree with some of this.
My DD1 is 16. I have always discussed things with him and weighed his views carefully but what I say goes. He knows that I will listen to him and respect his views and only draw a line and say no when it is important.

He lives in my home, I clothe and feed him so if I am financially responsible for him then he has to accept my choices when we really really can't reach concensus.

Of course I can't stop him physically. But he knows that if he does something that I strongly disagree with then he really really won't like the consequences. And I have absoloutely no problem grounding him if I wish to.

As it is I don't have to. He is motivated re school and works hard. He plays rugby and takes it seriously so does not wantto drink more than a little occasionally - he has never been drunk. He has a girlfriend and they are both ambitious and athletes so they have to be sensible about scheduling time together.
So I rarely have to 'pull rank' but I wouldn't hesitate if I needed to and I have no doubt that it would work.

It is interseting isn't it - this time between 16 and leaving home. Half child half adult and we each manage that differently. I guess much depends on the child too

[Tortington]

i have twins aged 16. my house, my rules. i am fairly liberal, but i have a regular time they must be home ( 10pm weekday) - DS needs to be woken up for college and work and dd gets woken up for college.

they are not adults at 16. they think they are - but your children will need guidance from you for the rest of their lives- think about how we turn to our parents - or wish we could. parenting advice never stops. I would be honoured if they came to ask me advice when they are much older.

but for now - i still ground them. DS came home late last week. he walked monday night late, i smiled and said - 'Wednesday?' he smiled and said 'ok' meaning grounded until wednesday. there was no drama.

but thems the rules.

[choufleur]

Sorry but if they are living under your roof, you paying for the house, bills, other things for them then your rules.

[Tortington]

well then they can.

stay here my rules.

stay somewhere else and have a shit life and the disaproval/heartache of your parents.

i think they value their comforts and our feelings so accept our punishments.

they could stay at their brothers flat if they wanted too, but they both want better lives for themselves than he has forged.

[pagwatch]

Of course a child can choose to run away. But I think the issue is how rules are made, explained and applied.

I suspect a child may be tempted if by 'strict' it meant non negotiable and punitive rules with no discussion or explaination.

I am strict but DS1 knows, and has always known, why a particular decision is made. We also have always treated him like a person and recognised that he will make mistakes. So I try not to have all encompassing rules like no parties on a school night. But I may well say 'the party is going to be late, it is too far away and you have a busy schedule the next day so you can't go' but on another occasion I may agree because it is local, we agree a home time and/or it is a quiet day at school the next day. The thing is it has to be a discussion where he understands why we say no. He may not always agree but it has the bedrock of being based on our desire to do the best for him.
Equally if he fucks up and I know he is mortified then I let it go. The point is for him to deal with conseqences and learn self control. Not to dominate and subdue him

I guess it is the difference between a benign dictatorship and tyranny.

[nickschick]

Riven please dont think im being all do goody or even worse nosey, but from what I gather your dd was able to do what she did knowing her grandparents would take her in - and that is no fault of yours nor is it your fault that your youngest dd needs such care that sometimes you feel your other dc miss out.

Apologies if ive overstepped the mark but I dont want you to feel youre totally responsible.

[nickschick]

Im sorry Riven .....what an knob that bloke is.

[nickschick]

lmao was reading the home ed thread a while ago and they migth just start doing that ......

[pagwatch]

Thats terrible Riven!
I am glad she is safe now. Must have been awful for you.

[pagwatch]

DS2 is 13 now and we are being 'advised' to get him a social worker to ensure that his needs and wants are being met without us, as parents, making unreasonable choices for him.

It really bothers me how much they want to interfere when he is obviously loved and supported by involved interested parents. The sub-text seems to be that parents are not best placed to support independence. Or maybe I am just starting to feel paranoid....

[TinselinaBumsquash]

I was self sufficant from the age of 14, the social services and the police wouldnt take me back to my mums because i was caring for myslef so well, i think at the age of 16 or any age if your living with people everyone should make compromises to give everyone a comfortable life living in the house.

[pagwatch]

It just makes you want to pick them up and disappear somewhere. I understand that it is tempting to do too much for children at times but the notion of being'too loving' is ridiculous. And their forcing themselves into situations where attentive parents are actively participating to help their child always makes me wonder why they are apparently so pressed for time when a child is surrounded by aggressive and defensive parents. Baby Peters parents were given quite a bit of leeway om quite a few occasions

Dh is pretty calm and he handles a lot of the conversations we have with the school etc.
I am not looking forward to the next few years to be honest

[Sherbert37]

Good responses here and glad that others feel 'my house, my rules'. My DCs have always been brought up to respect that (they still ask before helping themselves to chocolate biscuits, for goodness sake). Just think ex DH is taking the easy way out with DCs who would not question that parents are in charge while they are still at home.

[piscesmoon]

Mine can't do as they want! They live in my house with my rules. I tell them that they can do what they want when they are independent. They still want to come back -two of them being old enough to be independent-so it can't have been that bad!

[spicybingowings]

I agree it's 'our house our rules' here too, although we had some problems with DSD1 as DH's ex is of the opinion that at 16 they are adults and 'how can she control what she does'. Drove me mad and I expect the same lack of parenting from her when DSD2 hits 16 (13 at moment and already having some issues!).