Oh gawd so all the cliches are true.

[moopymoo]

I had thought, in my innocence, that I would always have a fab relationship with my children, that those who said teenagers were hard work simply werent trying hard enough...hollow laugh..
ds1 has been at senior school a grand total of 2 weeks and has done the total Kevin transformation. Grunting, 'whatever' sarcy all the time. Where has my little boy gone!

[claricebeansmum]

Yes - say goodbye to your lovely little boy. At some point you'll get a charming young man.
The bit in the middle is like living with Kevin the teenager.

[mumblechum]

Thing is your little Kevin is probably going through a massive upheaval at the moment. Most kids find Yr7 very very difficult but a lot feel that they have to put a brave front on at school, esp. if in terms of making new friends, so when they come home and let their guard down, poor old mum gets the backlash.

When ds was like this I'd take him off to Starbucks for a muffin and a good natter and often he'd open up and say what was actually bugging him, rather than just snapping/slamming doors at home.

[moopymoo]

Yes I think thats very true mumblechum, and you are right, he does open up when its just me and him away from home. I can see him struggling with it all. He came and snuggled in bed with me last night and said sorry mum , I just feel a bit wierd and tired. I certainly wouldnt want to go through puberty again. I sometimes find it hard to keep in prespective though - esp when he is just plain rude and annoying some of the time!

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Moopy give me my ds1 back please!!! because you have just described him as well, he has been at secondary a total of 2 weeks as well.....

[CybilLiberty]

Do you watch The family on Ch 4? They have a very stroppy teen on there and it's v. interesting to watch the struggle the parents have. it's quite enlightening to watch other parents with teens,(don't really get to see it that much in RL) see the mistakes they are making and learn from them.

My main thing I do with my dd is to start afresh each day, and not to hold grudges.

[cazboldy]

the hardest thing for me, is that he seems to think I am something he has stepped in I know absolutely nothing of any importance, and I am soooooo horrible...........

I was only 15 when I had him, and always thought we would be really close

ds1 is in year 8 btw, and will turn 13 in October

[CybilLiberty]

teenage strops I will tolerate, rudeness I will not

[dollyparting]

I have to say that I needed a whole range of new strategies when dds were teens.

Most important is picking which battles to fight. I'd advise on being prepared to give up on anything that only really affects your teen.e.g how tidy their room is, whether they are wearing a jumper in winter, what time they go to bed, whether they eat 4 chocolate biscuits for breakfast... etc

Save your energy for matters of personal safety, matters of family harmony, and one or two big rules e.g no smoking in the house, respect for your grandmother

I would also advise being entirely flexible with your time - if there is a small time when they will talk to you, engage with you, laugh with you. then drop everything else instantly and grab that moment and enjoy it. You may need to store up those precious memories to get through some of the rest.

Find a great friend who is going through the same as you, so you don't feel isolated and sad and a failure. You may find that other parents never disclose about their suicidal son, their chain smoking daughter, or their delinquent teens, but instead they will tell you about Jocasta's wonderful cross country running record, or John's amazing guitar talent.

Find your own space and your own strength. You have been (and still are) a wonderful Mum, and a wonderful person.

[alypaly]

they dont change,mine are 21 and 16

[mumeeee]

I agree with dollyparting especially about being there when they want to talk. mine usually wanted to talk just before going to bed.Which would often mean about midnight.

[Macforme]

I have a 17, 16, 15 and 12 yr old... and a few weeks ago I asked my mother why, when I was having all my babies so close together she didn't WARN me... (She replied that I wouldn't have listened and she's probably right LOL)
Dollypartinh has it just right... show me a perfect teen and I'll show you a parent who is either blind to reality or lying! Teens are mindblowingly difficult.. yes some more than others, but getting through puberty and into independence is a tricky process and there's no instruction book!

I have one 'easy' teen (eldest..fun, stroppy but sane) one very tricky one (16..DS... has done enough not so good things to make me grey) and one easy going 15 year old who now has anorexia... Same parents different kids, different reactions to the changes in their bodies and minds.

I've learned not to sweat the small stuff..moodiness, revolting bedrooms, bed times.. but to stick to my guns on the big issues.. obeying curfews,getting school work done bla bla, and WHEN they feel like talking..making the time to listen..usually at midnight!
I can see my 17 yr old is just about through it.. a human is emerging The 16 yr old (boy) has a LOT longer to go...but we'll get there in the end.
Hang in there.. your son is still that lovely boy he was..but he has a new school, new challenges and puberty and it's a vile combo!!!