thriteen year old - Im at the end of my rope..

[Duritzfan]

just posted this on the aibu board ..should have come here...

Help ..

I cannot cope with my thirteen year old... Today started badly - we got halfway to my daughters school (after being late in the first place because he was so slow this morning ) and he announced that he couldnt do football after school as he had forgotten his shinpads and socks..I said we would go home and get them as its the first week of football he needed to go.. He would have to get a late mark and explain why he was late ..
So eventually I get him to school..
He then leaves his key behind - we had gone through all the arrangements for after school several times and he assured me he knew exactly what he was doing and had his key on case football was not on and he had to get hmself home - he knew we were going to the to my daughters swim lesson .

After school I get that call from him - mum where are you ?

Eventually at 5.20 he calls and says where are you ? I dont have my key and Ive just got off the bus ...

I told him he would have to walk ,.

After a bit I was unwilling to let him wait too long, so I made ds leave her drink and crisps and I left my coffee to drive home to find him...

He comes in - all ok until teatime, I called him several times - having told him that dinner would be in fifteen minutes when we got home he chose to ignore me..so I left his dinner on the side .
Eventually he comes down and throws a strop because its cold - refusing to eat it.. I told him to not be so bloody rude and that he had been called for dinner and that he would have to eat it cold if he couldnt be bothered to come down when he was called. I told him to sit down and eat it or I would throw it out ..

His response - "fine - I dont care "

so I gave it to the dog..

then he goes ballistic,throws his shoes and gets up and gets aggressive - ds is sitting eating dinner, I tell him he needs to go upstairs and tidy his room and sort the washing as he has been told to do.
he refuses and I warn him that if he doesnt I will take his laptop etc.. He starts laughing at me - going on about his rights ..

SO i go up and remove ipod, laptop, xbox all of it.. he comes tearing in accusing me of all sorts of breaches of his civil liberties and laughing at me ..

then he say hes going out. I say no you arent you will do your room as you have been told. so he goes downstairs, laughing at me as he does so.
then he goes to the backdoor and tries to go out - I say No ... his sister jumps in front of him and he ignroes us both and opens the door hurting her ..
I warn my daugheter to stay out of his way.

He then grabs the keys and tries to get into the garage - I stop him telling him he cant take anything .
Then he leaves - hes telling his sister that he hopes we die and that he is going to kill her cat ..

hes standing on the drive going oh just go and die...

Now tell me what the hell am I supposed to do ...?

[Pimmpom]

Oh I feel for you. Has he come back inside yet? If not, I would try and ignore him (easier said than done) and carry on with what you are doing indoors. When he comes back (hopefully he is back already) I would deal with the consequences tomorrow when everyone has calmed down.

Good luck xx

[optimisticmumma]

Just wanted to post and say I feel for you. I've no idea what you should do but my gut reaction is walk away and get on with dealing with your DD.
The whole situation has escalated and now needs to die down.
As long as your DS is safe and you're reasonably sure he'll stay nearby that's about all you can do.
Give it fifteen mins or so and then calmly ask him to come in, leave door open and walk back in.
Don't engage in any more arguments.
Leave it until you are both in a better frame of mind and then discuss with him the knock on effects of his behaviour.
Don't know if this helps or if others think I'm completely wrong but I have 3 teenagers 2 of whom are boys and this is how I would like to deal with them in a perfect world!!
Good luck! Hope this helps. for you.

[optimisticmumma]

Also - take absolutely no notice whatsoever of the hurtful things he's said he really doesn't mean it and is probably v. upset by it himself.
Main thing is to give him a route back in.

Pimpom - we crossed posts but am relieved you said similar thing!!

[Duritzfan]

he's lying in the garden on our trampoline...

I just dont know how to handle him .. he has had a rough time recently and we have done everyhting we can to help him but he is still kicking and kicking at us...

I just feel useless and hopeless about the situation and I dont know what to do..

We are trying to get him seen by a psychiatrist atm, as my GP thinks he may be depressed..

its the toll it is taking on the rest of us that I cant handle.his sis is crying and terrified ..
Husbands solution seems to be yell, yell more and then drop him off somewhere if he wont behave ..

I just feel as though things will never change ..x

[MakemineaGandT]

Duritz - I followed your thread here from the other board as I wanted to see how you're getting on with this....(thinking of you and your DS since I posted earlier on the other thread)

Your last post is so sad - you sound sad and so does your DS. Can't you go out there and give him a hug? - sounds like you both need one. I don't have teenagers myself (my children are still small) so I guess I can only talk from my experience as a teenager, but I remember lots of rows with my parents and how lonely I was - and how ANGRY I would get with them - all I really wanted was to feel loved and respected. I bet your son would respond well to a bit of TLC right now - shouting etc is going to get you nowhere. Have you put the kettle on yet?!!

[ByTheSea]

Sounds like my DS1-13. He flies off the handle too. Just let him calm down and give him an opening to talk later. It is really hard to take and I really sympathise.

[optimisticmumma]

Any luck with getting him in yet, Duritz?

Hang on in there. Things will change.

Good luck x

[Duritzfan]

Hey

well we made it through .. had a really horrible night - and he was pretty vile this morning, but he has come back from school tonight with a bar of chocolate for me - very apologetic..

I have gently told him that he cant go on like this and he must try harder to keep his temper and organise himself for school etc..

He agreed, but I havent pushed anything, just gave him a hug .. Maybe I am begiining to get through to him...
Cant cope with many more days like yesterday !

thanks to all of you who supported me yesterday ..you kept me sane

[optimisticmumma]

Glad it resolved itself. Sounds like you've got a basically lovely boy there! Hugs to you all