Help!

[Jonesville]

Hi - 1st post.

I'm at my wits end with my 13 year old daughter. She has no friends at school, largely as a result of some bullying half way through Y8 (she's just started Y9). She's gone from being a confident, happy teenager with a very busy social life to a loner with no confidence.

She has tried unsuccessfully to make new friends but is now so terrified of rejection that last week she spent lunchtime of the first day of term locked in a loo - she even ate her lunch in there. This just breaks my heart and upsets me so much I can't deal with it rationally!

The bully was punished last term, but this just seemed to make things worse, and others then got involved in her defence. During our family holiday I had to change her mobile phone number as she was getting so many prank calls. The bully did admit to the teacher dealing with her that she had deliberately set about isolating my daughter - who now spends holidays, weekends etc alone. She has a friend from primary school who moved away a couple of years ago so they don't meet up often.

She's asking to move schools - should I take this seriously and try to get her in somewhere else? I have no clue how to go about this.

Has anyone else out there experienced this?

She's starting counselling after I took her to our GP (she wasn't sleeping or eating).

Apologies for rambling!!

[TheDMshouldbeRivened]

I think I'd change schools. Your poor dd. My secondary years were like this

[janeite]

No personal experience but plenty of experience of picking up the pieces of girls moving to our school after being bullied elsewhere.

I think Yes - give her a new start in another school, especially as she's requested it. Either that or get her into a Drama or Music club or something, so that she can make some friends away from the witches at her own school.

Good luck to both of you.

[3littlefrogs]

Yes yes yes move her. Poor kid, please, get her out of there asap.

Look on kidscape - google it, start looking at other schools in your area.

DS1 was bullied in primary school, school were hopeless, he was suicidal, I took him out and it was the best thing I ever did.

[roisin]

A new start can work wonders at this age. And with impending options/GCSE choices it would be better to move her sooner rather than later.

If you have any realistic alternatives, I would start looking into this immediately.

[BigMomma3]

Yes definitely move her. If I was you, I would even keep her off school until she gets into another one - to hell with it! Once you find a school, it should not take too long to get the paperwork done. Obviously the school have not dealt with the bullying very well . Please don't make her continue there if she is so unhappy she locks herself in the loo .

I have just moved DD to another Secondary school as she was unhappy at her last one (for Yr 7). She has just started Year 8 and although she's only been for 2 days she is much happier.

[BigMomma3]

Contact your Local Education Authority and they can tell you what schools are closest and the procedure for moving.

[Jonesville]

Thanks so much for your replies - my husband keeps saying that moving schools isn't the answer, so to hear so many positive comments about moving has helped me make up my mind to go to the LEA.

[3littlefrogs]

Why does your DH say moving isn't the answer?

I think it would be useful to get him to articulate why he feels this way - you and dd will need his support during the moving process, and he needs to understand that moving schools is not an admission of defeat or inadequacy. It is constructive and positive way of dealing with a bad situation that is not your dd's fault.

You and he have a duty to protect your dd until she is 18. The school also has a duty of care, in which it has spectacularly failed.

Your dd is entitled to an education in a safe and positive environment. As her parents, you are entitled and obliged to help her achieve that.

She is a child and deserves his support and help.

[DaniellaC]

I moved schools at the beginning of year 9 and it was the best decision we ever made

[LollipopViolet]

Please move her. I was bullied relentlessly all through school, but my mum wouldn't move me (I left in 2006) due to there being horrible people at the OTHER local school from my primary and having to make new friends etc.

I still bear the mental and emotional scars. I was hit, kicked, called everything under the sun, threatened, beaten up, pushed into roads nearly, hit with sticks, shoved down stairs, one girl shoved me over in the toilets, knocked my glasses off, stole them and then kept teasing me, pointing to what I thought were my specs (I'm quite badly visually impaired), had people holding lighters near my hair, you name it. I nearly did something very stupid because of it.

Luckily I did have one very good group of friends who I still see to this day. I've now promised myself if (when I have one) my child EVER asks to be moved because of bullying, I'll take them seriously.

[Jonesville]

3littlefrogs, I think DH (what's the D stand for?!) feels that to some degree DD has rejected other kids herself at times, or taken things to heart which other kids might brush off. We don't agree on this so things are quite tense at times, which is not helping. He will support a move though.

What you have said is very helpful - I really don't know where to turn at the moment. Even though I was widowed a few years ago (DH adopted DD) I think this is the worst year of my life!!

LollipopViolet, so sorry to hear what you went through - I don't understand how children can be so brutal.

It's encouraging to hear all the positive things about moving. I'm waiting for the paperwork from LEA and have informed her school. We feel really let down by them. When I described how bad DD's feeling, including her spending lunchtimes in the loo, the teacher I spoke to suggested asking another pupil to 'keep an eye on her'. I'm furious.

DD is clear about which school she wants to go to (she has a friend there), and only wants to put that down as an option - it's the closest school to us by postcode, but is highly oversubscribed. I have a GP letter and hope to get a letter from her counsellor in social services. Does anyone know how good the chances of getting a place are if you only select one school??

[BigMomma3]

When I moved DD, I only put down the school she wanted to go to. I contacted the school first to make sure they had a space in her year group and to discuss the move with them. Give them a call. Hopefully as your DD is in Yr9, they will have a space. It's normally harder to get them in at Yr7 when the school is oversubscribed.

[Jonesville]

Hi BM3 - have just called and been told they don't have any spaces at all. Can you get in on appeal? This just seems to get worse...

[themoon66]

My friend moved her DS with great success. She kept him off school until a place was available at the one they wanted.