It seems I really F*C*ed up last time how the hell do I get through to Thieving DD this time!

[babalon]

Back in March I found out that my DD 12yrs had been shoplifting large amounts of earings and make up during the 8 or so times that I'd actually let her go with friends up town ( see my earlier thread I just found my 12yr old DD's stash of stolen earings)

We had a serious family talk with her my mum and Dad, sister and Dad she was grounded for 2 months and told she would not be aloud up town with friends for the far distant future. This was against my better judgement as I was all for taking her to the police station but my mum and husband begged me to let her have a second chance.

I'd started letting her go out after school with friends etc but had been thinking about how to make the summer hols as least stressful as possible. So on the sunday she'd broken up from school I said that I'd put £70 into her bank account that she could spend and budget as she pleased (basically so I didn't have to worry that she'd steal) she also wanted her ears pierced so I asked her that if she did have it done how would I know that she wouldn't steal earrings like before. DD very convincing told us that she knew how stupid she had been and that she knew the if she was caught again I'd take her to the police and she'd have a record.

So I went to work on the first day of the hols and dh was at home. Dd asked to go round friends house and dh said yes but you know your not allowed up town. she agreed.

1 1\2 hrs later dh gets phone call DD has been caught with a friend shoplifting £39 worth of stuff from new look!

She has been given a final warning by police I've asked youth offending team to get involved.

everything taken away from her completely grounded and complete adult supervision at all times.

So 3 weeks on I'm still waiting for her to apologise to me and DH. She's told my dad that she doesn't see why she should apologised to me as it's nothing to do with me and she apologised for wasting her dads time when he picked her up from station.

Sorry this is so long there's loads more to tell. I just feel sick and so angry and don't know where to go from here. I've withdrawn completely from DH and DD and just won't out of the whole situation.

Was kind of hoping someone else would post that their child had done same thing during the holidays just so I don't feel so alone with this.

[scampadoodle]

Sorry, have no advice to give, but just wanted to say I really feel for you. It's incredibly frustrating when one can't get through to one's children - like talking to a brick wall. Hope it gets better.

[Tortington]

you need something to interest her more than shopping - whilst he is grounded is the perfect opportunity for her to find a new direction

also councelling is needed i think

also a bit more clepto research on your part - becuase its just not about the money - or the stuff

its about the thrill

[FiveGoMadInDorset]

Sorry can't help but just wanted to say that I think you have done the right thing in involving police and youth offending team.

[Tortington]

and its an addiction - behavioural - so she needs a new peer group - engineering this coud be through other interests and activities as mentioned earlier

[babalon]

Not so sure about the Youth offending team they came to talk to her 1 to 1 on Monday when I was out. She told DH that we can't take everything off her because then she's got nothing to lose so Dh gave her her telly back. I'm fucking fuing cause I've told her that we will not move on and start giving things back until she's said sorry.

The woman is coming back next week (looking forward to that )

I also turned down a new job because it was full time shifts as a direct result of her stealing, I'm so hurt and disapointed

[Tortington]

you certainly need to get your punishments straight and be in agreement with each other " i;ll take that into account hank you youth offending worker, but i shall discuss this with my wife" would have been better.

you can't go around just being angry at her all the time - its solves nothing and she will have her back up. you will absolutely get nowhere. guarenteed.

you need some ground rules - get her to help you draw them up

she can have her stuff back when....abc

she can't be in virtual sing sing indefinatley - even prisoners know their sentance!

[babalon]

I know custardo I can't shake the anger atm I've told her that she will start to get things back when she's said sorry and is grounded till the end of the summer holidays then we will discuss what she can't and can't do.

When I talk to her about it she just stares into space and won't say anything she tells my mum and dad that it's my fault and I'm just a bitch even Dh has had a go at me saying that she says this and that and it's my fault. I didn't go shoplifting but I feel like I'm the one being punished just because I'm the one who tells her off.

[Remotew]

I'm going to own up and say that I shoplifted stuff at this age. 11/12. It was a combination of having a lot of freedom, getting in with the wrong crowd, peer pressure and doing it for the thrill. It was small items, make up, sweets etc from Booths and Woolworths. On a lighter note when Woolworths closed many a comedian was looking back with fondness about shoplifting from the store.

One of my so called friends played a trick on me by saying the police had been round to her house as we'd been seen. I completely bricked it, she did me a favour. I never ever did it again and as an adult I'm extremely straight.

Later on, other girls were lifting clothes and larger items and IMO this is more worrying, it was due to lack of money or greed, who knows. It doesn't sound as though you have deprived her of money for fashionable clothes.

Not sure what advice to give really as I grew out of it quickly. Got a job at a young age so I had money to spend. It does depend on the people she is with so steering her away from friends who are a bad influence should help. Try to make sure she has adult supervision for shopping trips. Also agree that she should have interests other than shopping. Hopefully it's a phase and she will grow out of it.

[Remotew]

Boots not Booths.

[CarGirl]

why is your dh not telling her off, why are you left to do the discipling?

Or have I misunderstood?

[babalon]

I think the thing that worries me so much is the amount of stuff she took both this time and the last. It's not just a mascara here and braclet there. £39 worth at once what was she thinking! And she said her friend didn't do it she was just holding things for my DD needless to say this friend will not be welcomed in my home neither will dd be allowed out with her.

I hope this is enough to stop her as if she gets in any trouble with the police for 2 yrs she will go to court. I don't know how to get the trust back though I can't believethat she so blatantly lied to me and her dad then went straight out and did the worse thing that she could have at that point

[babalon]

He has told her off but he seems to be able to leave the anger and will in the next breathe be all nicey nice with her. Hense why I'm the babd one. I don't know what pocessed him to give the telly back without consulting me. He's just gone all needy with me asking why I'm not showing him affection. It because I'm angry and my head is all over the place

[Remotew]

I think you need to let go of some of the anger as she could use it as an excuse to lie and misbehave.

If you can show her you are willing to trust her and put it to the back of mind she may open up and have some pangs of conscience.

[tatt]

if she'd gone to court they might have given her something like community service. So why not discuss with your OH a suitable punishment and then make him tell her what you've agreed? Maybe she has to do gardening or ironing or car washing for a set period of time. She needs some activity and not one that rewards her for stealing. You might also consider taking her back to the shop to apologise to all the staff there, public apologies being very embarassing. If it's a TV in her room - prisoners have to earn them. So she earns it back but is allowed to watch your choice of programme with you.

Could be this is attention seeking and that's why she got caught. She's obviously getting a lot of adult attention now.

Blaming you is typical teenage behaviour and adults (like your OH and parents) should have more sense than to fall for that.

[Mintyy]

Oh god, I have nothing useful to add as I have no experience with this, but I just want to extend my sympathies as you are in a terrible situation and it must be so difficult for you . You sound like a lovely mum. I hope you can keep your sense of perspective through this and that you and your dd will get through her terrible teens and that you will laugh about it all one day .

[Leeka]

Tatt's post sounds very sensible.

Have you tried having a sensible, honest, non-accusatory conversation with your dh, about what each of you thinks of the situation, and what you think should happen, both from her and in your joint treatment of her?

It seems to me that it might be time for that, and see if you can work as a team to move forward.

Good luck - this must be horrible for you.

[drinkyourmilk]

You're angry - and that's completely understandable. However -
You are the adult. How do you think you are improving/working things through with your dd if you are not engaging with her? It's been 3 weeks!
You cannot force her to say sorry to you - surely she's proved that?
You've explained you are still very angry with her - I'd say she feels the same way about you. I wonder if you need to open up communication with her again, and if you do need to lighten up a bit. Keep the punishments in place - she'd have to bloody well earn priviledges back here - but make sure shes still shown love and can still have fun with her family.
I can't see how you will be able to have any influence over her while you guys are still in stale-mate. Maybe she will start to open up and explain why this is happening when the atmoshere lightens.

God i can waffle! sorry. I really hope you find a way to resolve this.

[babalon]

Thanks for all your replies

The youth worker rang today and said she had a very long chat with DD and she said lots of things including how she couldn't talk to me etc. I always thought with had an open relationship but clearly not. YW doesn't think she will re offend and that she does understand the seriousness.

A parent worker is apparently going to come and talk to me about any issues that I have even though YW says I'm not to blame.

I have been talking to dd during the time since she was caught I just get cross when she seems to be carrying on without a care in the world and I feel so awful.

DH isn't talking to me at all not really sure why.

DD is going to have to apologised to the shop as part of the Youth workers program and they are going to help us draw up a behaviour contract between dd and us. So I think they are going to help.

Can't believe I've got the parenting so wrong feel so guilty on top of everything esle

[Remotew]

Don't feel guilty. Kids go off the rails for all sorts of reasons, getting in with the wrong crowd is a big factor. You can have siblings brought up in the same way one can be a teen angel the other a teen from hell. Fortunately most teens grow out of this rebellious stage.

Sounds like you are all getting support to get things back on the straight and narrow.

[drinkyourmilk]

I don't think you should feel guilty. Not at all. Your daughter is an autonomous person, and at the stage where parents are crap, boring, far too old, and know nothing! All you can do is listen, keep the lines open so to speak, and intervene/advise (ground forever ) when she is ready.

Plus - it seems i got the wrong end of the stick re you not talking to her for 3 weeks. Sorry

[tatt]

My teens wouldn't talk to me, but they aren't stealing things. They are adept at manipulating people. Your daughter will say anything to the youth worker to gain their sympathy.

babalon one of my friends has two children who treated their mum really badly for several years. He son hit her and her daughter said her mother was far to strict and she was going to leave home as soon as she could.

A few years on they are both at university, son is protective of her, daughter and mum are best friends. It cheers me up when I'm struggling with my teenagers so I hope it will do the same for you.

For a younger child you might be responsible but as they grow up they are heavily influenced by other people.