Someone please come and reassure me!

[LollipopViolet]

This is why I joined this place! I've spoken to my parents about this and they've been no help, well they have but quite frankly I just need to rant!

Basically, I've been friends with someone for about 8 years, she's always been on the more immature side, but that's sort of what I like about her.

Anyway, recently, she's been getting matey with the 16 year olds who live in her street. I want to make it clear I have no problem with her having other friends, that's no issue, I have friends I work with etc. She's recently started pushing out me, and the rest of our group for these kids. She'll make plans and then change them, to go and be with these other people. Again, no problem with her having other mates.

Example, a few of us go to the gym together, and decided to go for a few drinks. I text her, asking if she wants to join us and get a text back saying "sorry mate, I can't, I'm with my mates." This is the sort of thing that bugs me, I thought we were mates as well. She could've said she had plans, that I could deal with. She also put a face on her status on fb, and then has just put one saying "Feeling much better now, thanks for talking to me X (insert name of female friend) i love you"- obviously the i love you was in a friendly way. Thing is, she used to talk to me, or someone in our group. I have a hard time making friends and I've known her so long it just feels like me and the rest of her long term mates are being pushed out.

Please, please tell me your teens have had this happen? Like I said, I find making friends hard, and now I keep feeling like I've done something that I don't know about and messed this friendship up. I can't talk to my mate about it because she gets really defensive and hard to deal with.

[bogwobbit]

These things happen. People (of all ages) grow apart; make new friends; ignore old friends and sometimes go back to them.
It's sad and I'm sure it's very hurtful but unfortunately it's just life
How old are you and your friend btw?

[bogwobbit]

And yes, it has happened to my teenaged dds. and to me too...but that was many years ago (obviously being soooo old now )

[LollipopViolet]

We're 19. I accept the stuff about growing apart. She goes clubbing with loads of people and that doesn't bother me, again, I have university friends she's never met etc. We're not inseperable. It's the fact is for a bunch of 16 year olds that irks me somewhat...although that might be because I'm quite mature (so I've been told). Hmm, at least I've still got some of the group. She'll probably ring me when no-one's about and all will be well again. Just feels rotten at the minute.

[bogwobbit]

Maybe she felt pushed out by your Uni friends - who knows.
Can understand what you're saying about their age irking you, 3 years can be a big difference at that age.
Hope it all works out for you.

[LollipopViolet]

Yeah, maybe. The weird thing is, because my uni friends live in, and I live at home, I only really socialize with them at uni get-togethers, so it's not like I'm bailing on plans with my other friends.

This friendship lark is hard! I wonder what the life of a hermit's like!

[mumblechum]

Bogwobbit talks a lot of sense, esp. about friendships changing over time.

It doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong; sometimes friendships are in the growing phase, sometimes in the dying phase and it's quite natural and in some ways quite healthy as it shows that the person is evolving and making new friends is one of the ways of doing that.

If I were you I'd just keep in casual, friendly contact and let things take their course, whether that's her getting bored of her new friends and coming back to you or moving away from you, however hard that may seem.

Cultivate the relationships you get something out of would be my best advice.

[LollipopViolet]

Just as things were getting slightly easier they've got 10 times harder with this now.

She brought her new mates to the pub quiz we all go to. All 4 of them, and spent more time talking to them than actually talking to us. Then took 3 of them home, and gave the three of us who were left a lift back, with one of these mates still there. Awkward. None of us like them that much, they're very, I dunno, L isn't the same person when she's round them. She basically ignored everything we said to her in the car. I'm going to the gym with two other mates today, cos I really need a chat. Random place to talk I know, but hey, what are friends for?

[ADifferentMe]

Sad, but relationships do change throughout life - if you're drifting apart I think you just have to let her go. At the risk of sounding patronising, you will both be changing so much over the next few years. I have no friends from schooldays, one very close friend since I was 18 and a random group of friends from my twenties, thirties and forties who I think will be with me forever.

My eldest DD seems to suffer particularly from this. She hasn't had a "best" friend since primary school and is always on the edge of ever changing groups. She's very mature and I think will be a much happier adult than teenager (as am I).

Your friend's wording sounds a bit harsh, but that often happens with texts.

Good luck