Cheers everybody, that's really helped me clarify things. Found this website if anyone's interested. Not sure whether to show DD though, she might never leave the house again...

i certainly expect dd1 who is 17 to let me know where she is

and she does

she will tell me who she is going with and the area she is going to be in, there is no big issue about it, its just a case of keeping me updated

I find this 'freedom thing' very confusing. A while ago there was a whole long thread on a nearly 10 yr old going to the cinema on her own with 2 friends. I saw nothing wrong with this, the parent paid for the tickets, saw them in and was back to collect them when the film finished and yet the majority opinion was that it wasn't safe. Only 4 years later they are let out alone and you are not supposed to know where they are or who they are with!
I go for a very gradual approach, I would let them go to the cinema under those conditions at that age and I gradually give more freedom but at 14yrs I don't want them hanging around, bored and getting into trouble. I want to know where they are and who they are with.
I expect my 17yr old to text me with his plans-I text him with mine if I am out.

I agree with selling this one as common manners rather than 'I don't trust you'

I don't scoot out of the house without telling dd where I'm going and when I'll be back

just makes it easier for everyone

I expecct dd to letmeknow where she is
if she is going to be late
she is 17

at 14 I would have been even more concerned
tis about respect for you feelings and her safety

do not back off

YANBU. DD3 is 17 and she still lets me know where she is going and a rough time that she'll be home. She doesn't have to let me know if she is going on somewhere else as long as the time she'll be home is roughly the same.

Agree with Lollipop about good habit to get into - I nearly always tell someone where I'm going when I go out, also what time I expect to be back.

Re: safety issue.
If something happens to anyone in the family I know roughly where everyone is don't you.
At school, at work, at relatives, at shops , at club at friends, at park it goes on.
I don't think that's controlling. I think it's politeness and consideration. Just like lollipop.

I've got to say, at 14, I did always at least send a text if plans changed/we moved onto somewhere else. Now I'm 19, I only do it if I'm going to a) be out late or b) am just popping home to get something, so that my family know I'll be coming back but not staying iyswim?

It's a good habit to get into, but it's hard to bring up without sounding like you're nagging.

I think swedes description of a teen is just how I felt at that age although more wanting to be my own person than anything else. With that in mind I try to give ds (13) freedom to a certain extent and try to encourage open discussion about his doings rather than demanding to know where he is, what's he's doing at all times. I trust him to be sensible too.