I mean, I know she is saying that she doesn't want you, but I think you need to be thinking that it doesn't matter, you are her mother, nobody loves her more than you do and that means that you don't give up when she tells you to, you don't heed warnings like that when she is in trouble and you would willingly risk any contact with her if it meant she got help and was not at risk any more.

Riven, I know that she said that she would cut off all contact with you if you tried to get in touch but really, what contact do you have now that she could cut off? I mean, it seems you have no real rights, medically speaking and as far as SS are concerned. I think that if things get worse for your DD with regard to her eating disorder you need to know that you did everything that you could to get through to her. I think that at that point, should it come, her cutting you out of her life will be irrelevent if you are pondering whether you could have done more by pushing, pushing, pushing to show her you are concerned, that you love her, that you want to help.

thanks for all the advice evryone. Some days the worry over both my girls is too overwhelming

Not easy at all Riven but I guess somehow your DH needs to understand she is asking for a response from him and to think about the consequences of him not responding.

she doesn't want it from me
I emailed her yesterday when dh showed me her email (that had been sent to him) and apparently she was upset dh had told me and upset it was me who replied and not him.
I just don't know what I did wrong and why she hates me so much.
DH is not happy I've asked him to write to her. He hates emotions and communicating anyway (he has ASD) and he is still angry at what she did.

Riven - just seen this and really feel for you. I'm afraid I don't have a whole load of advice but wanted to voice my support. I hope DH does write back because - despite what DD says - I think she is looking for some sort of response from him or you.
I do think it's worth following up whether you can get any support for her via her 6th form college.
Good luck and let us know how you're getting on.

I've tried that LittleLamb. She told me if I ever did it again she would cut off all contact for ever.
Am trying to persuade dh to write back to her.

I also think it's incredibly sad that a father would completely cut off from his young daughter

I feel something of Littlelambs response but also know how incredibly hard it must have been to have had to try and cut yourself in two when dd2 has been so ill. We obviously do not know the full story but what is clear is that your daughter is in pain- that may include huge anger towards you (part of the course for teenagers who haven't had to struggle, so must be intensified here). You also have obviously had your own issues and i really feel for you. Coping wth sick children I know at times is utterly devastating and I also know that sadly it is often the siblings that end up with mental health problems. However much you did for dd1, she may still have felt neglected/guilty/rage/devastation- sadly these things are very tough but equally it does not mean that it is hopeless. I agree with LL that I really think you should try and see dd1 and if she's horrible then come and scream here if you need to but let her have that.
You have been through so much already- you can do this too...

"how do they force treatment then? Last time dd2 was in hozzie there was a 16yo anorexic girl confined to bed with an NG tube and was being pretty much force fed."

I think they have to have a Sectioning order, Riven. Or sometimes they force treatment by saying that if the person doesn't comply then they will section them. They have to be pretty ill to become sectionable, though.

littlelamb, I am not going to flame you, but nobody can force contact.

Do you know what? And I risk an almighty flaming here. I think you should grow a pair, act like her parent and go and see her. She may say she doesn't want to see you, for which I'm sure she has her reasons. But all I'm seeing from your posts is excuses why you can't. You're her mother, and to me her behavious clearly demonstrates that she is desperate for someone, anyone to care. I hope you can find it in you to be that person.