I mean, I know she is saying that she doesn't want you, but I think you need to be thinking that it doesn't matter, you are her mother, nobody loves her more than you do and that means that you don't give up when she tells you to, you don't heed warnings like that when she is in trouble and you would willingly risk any contact with her if it meant she got help and was not at risk any more.

Riven, I know that she said that she would cut off all contact with you if you tried to get in touch but really, what contact do you have now that she could cut off? I mean, it seems you have no real rights, medically speaking and as far as SS are concerned. I think that if things get worse for your DD with regard to her eating disorder you need to know that you did everything that you could to get through to her. I think that at that point, should it come, her cutting you out of her life will be irrelevent if you are pondering whether you could have done more by pushing, pushing, pushing to show her you are concerned, that you love her, that you want to help.

thanks for all the advice evryone. Some days the worry over both my girls is too overwhelming

Not easy at all Riven but I guess somehow your DH needs to understand she is asking for a response from him and to think about the consequences of him not responding.

she doesn't want it from me
I emailed her yesterday when dh showed me her email (that had been sent to him) and apparently she was upset dh had told me and upset it was me who replied and not him.
I just don't know what I did wrong and why she hates me so much.
DH is not happy I've asked him to write to her. He hates emotions and communicating anyway (he has ASD) and he is still angry at what she did.

Riven - just seen this and really feel for you. I'm afraid I don't have a whole load of advice but wanted to voice my support. I hope DH does write back because - despite what DD says - I think she is looking for some sort of response from him or you.
I do think it's worth following up whether you can get any support for her via her 6th form college.
Good luck and let us know how you're getting on.

I've tried that LittleLamb. She told me if I ever did it again she would cut off all contact for ever.
Am trying to persuade dh to write back to her.

I also think it's incredibly sad that a father would completely cut off from his young daughter

I feel something of Littlelambs response but also know how incredibly hard it must have been to have had to try and cut yourself in two when dd2 has been so ill. We obviously do not know the full story but what is clear is that your daughter is in pain- that may include huge anger towards you (part of the course for teenagers who haven't had to struggle, so must be intensified here). You also have obviously had your own issues and i really feel for you. Coping wth sick children I know at times is utterly devastating and I also know that sadly it is often the siblings that end up with mental health problems. However much you did for dd1, she may still have felt neglected/guilty/rage/devastation- sadly these things are very tough but equally it does not mean that it is hopeless. I agree with LL that I really think you should try and see dd1 and if she's horrible then come and scream here if you need to but let her have that.
You have been through so much already- you can do this too...

"how do they force treatment then? Last time dd2 was in hozzie there was a 16yo anorexic girl confined to bed with an NG tube and was being pretty much force fed."

I think they have to have a Sectioning order, Riven. Or sometimes they force treatment by saying that if the person doesn't comply then they will section them. They have to be pretty ill to become sectionable, though.

littlelamb, I am not going to flame you, but nobody can force contact.

Do you know what? And I risk an almighty flaming here. I think you should grow a pair, act like her parent and go and see her. She may say she doesn't want to see you, for which I'm sure she has her reasons. But all I'm seeing from your posts is excuses why you can't. You're her mother, and to me her behavious clearly demonstrates that she is desperate for someone, anyone to care. I hope you can find it in you to be that person.

I haven't seen dd1 for over 2 years. She refuses too.
When she was here I made a massive effort for time for her including taking her away despite dd2's seizures and hospitalisations and taking her shopping. I was aware of her neediness and did everything in my power.
But she ran away.
And now she is anorexic.
I write to her lots but I hvave tor espect the fact she said not to come and see her.

ALso, having read the thread back, if you have retained parental responsibility then I would speak to a solicitor asap. They cannot withhold information such as which school she goes to. I'm sorry to say but it sounds like your own dd is being used as a weapon against you

Riven do you ever actually see your dd? WHy do you have to go through your MIL? Why don't you sit down and actually show your dd that you have time for her. Anorexia is a very complicated issue, my family also has a very troubled history with it, but from what I remember from previous posts about your dd I am not surprised at all that she is showing signs of having developed it. As she sees it, your time is taken up by your dd2. She is a child and obviously needs your attention. My completely unqualified opinion is that this is her way of showing you that she is also a child and needs your attention. I obviously don't know the whole story but it saddens me that she is going through this

how do they force treatment then? Last time dd2 was in hozzie there was a 16yo anorexic girl confined to bed with an NG tube and was being pretty much force fed.

It's tricky, because at 16 she became an adult in the eyes of the health service .

not yt as its late. Hoping the in-laws haven't said we're dead or something!
Will the school talk to us as dd doesn't live here? We have parental responisbility.

Have you rung the school?

its like pulling teeth trying to get any information. FFS. DH is being totally useless.

MIL has admitted that dd is anorexic and seriously underweight. She says they are taking her to a doctor 'sometime in July' and she 'doesn't want to discuss it'
I feel like punhcing her (she's gone up the shops). I told her I could see this starting last year when dd became vegan (she doesn't care about animals at all) and the went on and on and on about healthy food and stuff. All obvious signs MIL should have picked up on and listening to me last year. I am so angry.
And worried shitless. Anorexia ruined my life and nearly killed me. All dd has for support is emotionally dead grandparents
MIL refuses to tell me who her GP is. As parents we appear to have no rights at all.

Has anyone been through it? I used to counsil anorexics as well as be one and its the hardest mental health issue to deal with.
I feel sick and crying

That does make it complicated as I would assume the camhs team would need to be the one where she lives. Have you got a good GP you could speak to for advice? I would also be tempted to phone her GP and ask for advice. It sounds as though as a family you could do with some support as well as her needing her own individally. I obviously do not know the situation but I would try and avoid letting her know that you feel angry with your mil as she must have an attachment to her and may then feel caught in the middle and find it harder to accept any support from you.
As you know from your own experience, I think even if she was living with you you would be feeling powerless- the nature of the illness...
The fact she sent the photo to your dh makes me wonder if she wants him/you to know that she is struggling although whether that's out of anger, to make you feel guilty or to show you she needs help is impossible to know- perhaps a mixture.
It sounds like you've all been through so much. Remember that although she is not you and is having her own unique difficulties, you came through it and it can be done.

when dd ran away we called in the police and the SS. The police did nothing. SS said at 14 dd had a right to choose where she lived.
dd lives 120 miles away so which CAMHS or SS should I appraoch?
I am so very scared. I was anorexic and nearly died. I also know if she is, she wont listen and living with MIL is not safe. But I don't get a say now she is 17. All I can do is worry
You have no rights as a parent if a teenager says NO

Riven - I can't begin to imagine how hard your day to day life must be, let alone the worry about dd.

This subject is close to my heart, for reasons I won't go into here.

Can I ask - you say that you have sought help from social services in the past: do you have any records of correspondance, phone calls, meetings, names, dates etc? In my (very bitter) experience, the only thing that sometimes works, is if SS or other "professionals" know that you have records of every time you have described the situation and asked for help.

The knowledge that if they do nothing, and a disaster happens, and there is evidence that you asked repeatedly for help, seems to galvanise them into action. Sorry - that is putting it harshly, but I can't think of another way to say it.

Could you talk to your GP, who might be able to contact Educational welfare services. If they know MIL's address, they might be able to find out which college , and go from there?

I would strongly advise you to keep records of every phone call/meeting/conversation.

Some CAMHS services offer services to parents of adolescents. I wonder if there is any way you could access something like that. It sounds as though your dh and dd's relationship is having a big impact on both of them and maybe you and dh could at least be supported to think about some of these things. If you used to be anorexic it must also bring up so much for you- I wonder if it would be worth getting some support in your own right too?

Call the school and have a word with the nurse or counsellor. I'm sure they wouldn't say it was you: it could be a worried PE teacher, couldn't it?

I send her emails although there's never any response although weirdly enough she wrote to her dad on fathers day and sent him the photo.

Your poor dd- souns like she's been troubled for a long time and poor you having to watch from afar.
Not much advice as I doubt there's much you an do but could you write her a letter saying you are worried that she is damagng herself. Or go and see her and have that conversation. She may shut you out or tell you to go but at least in years to come she wont be left with the thought that her mum didn't even care enough to bother with her. I think siblings of sick kids do often struggle terribly and by the sound of it she could really do with a good therapist.
It must be terrible for you but I think just letting her know you care (even if it means fighting) may be all you can do.

dd is 17. SS are not interested. Heck, they weren't interested when she was 14 and ran away. Told me she could live where she wanted.

DH just isn't interested. He's cut himself off emotionally from dd after she ran away (and his family are all freaky emotionless types anyway)

I might find out the college and call them. Would they have a counsellor who would appraoch dd and not say it was me?

I must admit I would be inclined to call Social Services and get them to do a spot check at Mil's home, if she won't tell you which school dd is at.

Has your dh seen the photo? If it is as bad as you describe then he MUST get involved in this - no argument.

Is there no way yu can get your daughter back home? IIRC, anorexics can sometimes 'compete' and encourage each other to loose weight. This isn't good at all. Your daughter needs to get out of there.

Bumping for you Riven. Evening people may be able to help.

6th form college. I don't know which one cos MIL wont tell us. DH wont tackle his mother.

Is your DD still at school? Could there be someone there who could help you.

You must be really worried

What about your DH though? Can he get through to his mother and make her see sense?

she wont come. She ran away at 14 (long story involving arseholes and her disabled sister and general chip on the shoulerness)
Its hard enough getting her to keep contact. And MIL hardly shares anything about dd's life. Every peice of information has to be prised out.
eg
'How is dd, whats she up too'
'not much'
'is she getting a job in the summer or travelling'
'no'
'is she happy?'
'I don't know, I don't ask her'

argh
MIL is coming up tomorrow and we'll have another try to get info session. But she will deny dd is anorexic despite the photo. But then MIL thinks anyone who has two slices of toast is a greedy fat pig. I'm 10 stone and 5 10 and a 123 and she thinks I'm obese.

It sounds like you are correct. I don't know what to say really. My sister was anorexic in her teens and that is the only experience I have of it.

Can you not get your 17 year old back to stay with you for the summer or something? MIL sounds a right odd one

she is 17 and lives with in-laws. We have very little contact with her but when she msn's me she is always talking about becoming vegan and raw food type thingy. I know she doesn't give a crap about animals.
Yesterday she sent us a photo and she is so alarmingly thin.
Thing is, MIL is also anorexic and has spent 40 years not eating enough and staying 8 stone plus fanatic exercising. I've told MIL I think dd is anorexic and she just dismisses it. But this is the same woman who was jealus when I was anorexic 20 years ago. I nearly died MIL went on about how much better I looked at 6 stone (I'm 5 foot 10)
All I can do is worry but I am aware of the death rate and how anorexia fucks up your whole life. Am worried sick