Oh, I'm so glad I found this thread. My DS (who was diagnosed with ADHD and attachment disorder some years ago) is now 13½ years old and is totally obnoxious!! While I love him dearly, I don't much like him at the moment.

The posts from Willow65 and Rainbowlady sound so familiar. I know it's not much - but I really understand how you're feeling - I'm there too.

On the plus side, my friends and the school, all say that DS is polite, well spoken and nice to them. It's just when he's home that he becomes so awful. He's rude, he swears at us, he hates us, he throws things, he's taken to picking up objects to threaten us with. And yet when he's in a good mood - he's loving, kind, hugs us, spends time with us.

I have to admit that I'm not enjoying the teenage years so far. I hope that DS is going to be one of the ones who grows out of it sooner rather than later. I can hope - it makes life a bit more bareable.

I know that both DH and are are good parents, but it's so hard when you have to cope with such behaviour in your DS. We have firm rules and stick to them too (perhaps that's the problem). Anyway, I suppose this thread has made me feel less alone. Thanks for that.

Hello again - sorry it's been a while since I posted.

Willow, thank you so much for your support on here. We have had so much going on these last few weeks with DS1. Much the same behaviour at home but now rather than mainly venting at home, his behaviour at school is becoming a problem too. CAMHS have put us in touch with their Family Therapist and we have a session booked soon. I have been speaking to a friend of mine who deals with children with similar problems to my DS1 and she is of the opinion (and I have to say that I agree with her) that we have allowed DS1 to become more powerful than us in terms of the family dynamic and that for things to change we must take that power/control back from him (whilst we still can). As you can imagine this will take some doing and cannot be achieved without difficult and I suspect ultimately physical (on his part) confrontation. As I understand it, if we don't take action now, we will have even more difficulties later on. This makes sense and so we are going to have to give it a go even if it means things could get ugly! Willow, please talk to someone and get some support. Have you telephoned Parentline? They were very helpful when I rang them a few months ago? It is important to realise that you have not failed as a parent, you have given your son a good home with love and support. I find the verbal abuse and lack of respect the worst aspects to deal with but I have tried to harden myself up to it and I do not allow myself to cry in front of him now as I now see that he thrives on finding my weaknesses and uses this to his advantage. I find it difficult to write these things about my child whom I love dearly and cannot believe that this is happening but we need to stay strong to win the battle with the ultimate aim that our children come out the other side all the better for it.
Mums the Word - had I posted on here two years ago when my DS1 showed the first signs of his decline, my post would have been similar to yours. I can only advise you to do all you can so that you do not lose the control as a parent. Be firm, be hard and don't take any prisoners as I believe that it will pay off in the long run. This is obviously easier said than done but good luck with it. I believe you are right when you say that if you let them get away with it, they will continue to do it and as time goes on, they will push you further and further until you can no longer control the situations you find yourself in.

I am thinking of you both and keep me posted on how things are going for you.

Hello All, I have just googled 'son turns into monster' and found this thread, Thank God! I am feeling awful, have been crying and now wondering with what attitude I approach tomorrow morning. DS turned 12 just 2 weeks ago and for about 4 weeks now he has become someone/something else! Ignores everything I say and does the opposite, hates me at least 3 times a day and we had an almighty row this evening over the way he spoke to me, absolutely unbelievable! He is my eldest and it appears that everything I have taught him over the last 12 years re manners, behaviour and respect has gone out of the window! I love him to the ends of the earth but really don't like him v much at the minute! Although I expected some teenage behaviour to rear it's ugly head I thought I would have at least another couple of clear years yet. What I need to be advised on is how to handle the blatant lack of respect and the ignoring me, surely you cant just let it go as this means they have got away with something and will continue to it again? Help!

RainbowLady - I so sympathise with your reply, your situation does indeed sound very similar, my heart goes out to you. My DS1 has sadly seen his parents divorce however has a very good life, goes to an excellent school has an abundance of love from friends and family and more opportunities than I could ever have dreamed of. Like you sometimes I feel I just cannot cope with it anymore and I am actually considering counselling for myself as I feel such a failure as a parent at the moment and am beside myself with worry for how my DS1 is going to turn out. All a parent wants is for their children to be happy and be well-rounded adults and at the moment my DS1 is not looking good on either count!! There are times when I look at my DS1, who I love so desperately, and I really dont like him and almost want him to go away and leave me and my DS2 to get on with our lives as DS1 appears to be on self destruct and hurting all those around him who love him. It breaks my heart that I can even think like this and the guilt is overwhelming - this is why I am considering some counselling for myself. I think you need to perserve with CAMHS and consider getting some support for yourself as I am sure you must be having similar feelings to me. Keep in touch and let me know how you get on - very best wishes

It is so refreshing to discover that I am not the only one having problems with a teenage DS1 (13 years old). My beautiful, bright talented DS1 who attends grammar school has also turned into a very angry monster and has regular violent rages and is now very close to be excluded from school and referred to a Pupil Referral Unit. I have been divorced from his father for 5 years and after having my DS1 assessed by CAMHS (Child Adolescent Mental Health Service) it appears that as he has hit adolescense all the anger from the last 5+ years has erupted. Life is a living hell at the moment for all of us ( I also have a DS2 of 10 years old). Coupled with these rages he is impossible to talk to, argues with everthing I say and ask him to do and on occassion is downright rude and shows no respect to me or any authority - this behaviour goes against all the values I believe he has been taught and observed in the family. I know this message does not really offer any help or advice but all you mums out there with very difficult angry early teenage DS's and DD's - hang in there, there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel . . . . .

Willow65 - In answer to your post, this sounds exactly the same as my DS1 age 14. Uncontrollable rages and swearing, smashing bedroom doors when he doesn't get what he wants or doesn't like what he hears. He says he hates us more than life itself and can't wait for us to die (usually adding that he wouldn't come to our funerals anyway). It's absolutely heartbreaking. DS1 has been referred to CAMHS also. At the first appointment they can see nothing to indicate why he behaves like this but are going to dig a bit deeper. We have no idea why he is like this now...he was a great kid, had a happy life with loving parents and super grandparents and good friends etc but he seems to have lost his way a bit but we are doing what we can to help him although sometimes you just feel like you can't go on with it anymore. The things he says to us are just so hurtful. It has affected the whole family. I find it helps to talk to people about it. I wish you all the best.

Has anyone had even more extreme behaviour similar to what i am experiencing with my 13 year old DS. He has started having blind anger rages with a terrible attitude and punches walls/doors, throws and smashes things and is almost spits venom when in a rage. It is has resulted in him being referred to the Child Adolescent Mental Health Service who say that it is behavioural and not pyschiatric even though he is almost self harming by thumping and hitting his own face to the extent of blacking his own eyes. I am single mum with another 10 year old DS and my life is currently in turmoil because of all this and soon at risk of losing my job because of the amount of time I have had of work recently trying to get some help for my eldest DS. He is also refusing any contact with his father. Does any of this sound familiar to anyone?

My 2 ds are 14 and 15. I have had an awful couple of years but they seem to be slightly improving at times, though they certainly have their moments! It is like walking on eggshells, as in previous post, especially ds2. It got to the point when I dreaded him coming home from school, its like here we go again, all peace is shattered.
He is still the most difficult of the 2. Its like hormone household around here. Oh for the joys of when they were small and had baths, bedtime story and were asleep by 7.30. Now they never want to go to bed, then they never want to get out of bed before lunchtime. At least I have my weekend layins back. Bliss!

bump

Oh this thread is great. Two of my four charges (im the nanny) are 14 and 9 and have turned into the most obnoxious, rude horrible boys. I can understand why parents crack. The 14 year old is 15 in two weeks and is 6'4 so it makes it hard to yell 'up' at hime. Ive never nannied a teenage boy in all my nannying years and my parents sent us to boarding school so never experienced it first hand. Any suggestions for coping before I lose it completely????

omg this is my ds too now. But I miss the old one I really do. I feel so sad not to have him around anymore and this cuckoo that has been planted here is just so alien. I don't know the language or anything . Help!

This is a very interesting thread and exactly what I was looking for!

My neighbour has just been talking to me, she and her husband are at their wits end and just don't know how to deal with their DS's behaviour - he is 15. His school have told her he is rude and arrogant and he gets lots of detentions which she has only just found out about as he forges their signatures on the note that comes home. He doesn't want to interact with the family at all, doesn't wash, he is apparently sneering and rude, won't do anything he's told and has told them that he doesn't want his friends at the house because he doesn't like them so why should they.

They are a lovely family, have always done lots of things together, their daughter who is 12 is great - is his behaviour normal and how should they deal with it/react to it/him?

Any help much appreciated.

my DSS is 18 and if anything he is getting worse not better. he was lovely at 12; is vile now. i hope your son comes out of it a bit quicker.

Oh this sounds all too depressingly familiar

DS1 is 14 and although he was a little horror for a while, he came through relatively quickly and uneventfully.

DS2 on the other hand is completely the opposite. He will be 13 next month, and in recent months has started turning red, growing horns and a forked tail! You wouldn't think it was the same boy sometimes.

He still has his soppy moments and tells me he loves me, but sometimes it's like walking on egg shells whenever you want to say anything to him.

I don't like it atall, but keep holding on to the fact that at the end of the tunnel there is a small, faint glimmer of light and - like his older brother - he will hopefully get over this stage before too long.

Luckily neither of my two DS's use any bad language, at least not to me or their dad. I guess I have to be thankful for that.

Urghhhhh. Swearing (we don't swear on the whole), tantrums like a toddler, whining, moaning, mucking about at school with umpteen detentions ("not my fault." Teacher picking on me." etc etc.) Rude and aggressive towards DH, ("why don't you just die"). Sneery face, muttering under breath, ME ME ME ME ME. And yet- incredibly sweet with his baby brother.
ExDH says (with wide eyes) he's not like that with him. (No but that's because you don't make him do homework, go to bed at a reasonable hour, do chores, eat healthily etc etc.)
DS is only just 13!!!

It seems to me that swearing amongst young teens is much more prevalent than when I was that age (but I am quite old!) - I guess it's around them more due to TV, internet etc. However, mine don't use it around me, although I'm sure they do around their friends . . . . Personal question I know but have you been apart from your exH for long ? Could it be a reaction to that ? Boys are so hard at touchy feely talk - perhaps he's stressed ? It could be a habit he's got into that he just needs to break. COuld you impose some ground rules re swearing ? Fine him, ground him ? Sorry, not much help I know, but do hope it gets better for you.

bumping in case anyone has any views

PS DS1 is 12 and is in second term of Year 7.

In many ways he seems to have settled in well.

I said I would talk to his tutor and he said I'll bunk. I don't really think he would but was a bit to hear him say that.

is this normal behaviour ie the swearing and anger.

Do your sons use foul and abusive language. I am ashamed to say that my DS1 has started to continously use this. I am constantly telling him not to swear but it has no effect.

I am not against swearing per se but do object to a constant stream of it.

Tonight he and DS2 (7) have had a major fight involving me stepping in to separate them because I thought they were in a dangerous situation.

They fight alot especially after they meet up again after the school day (usually at about 6.30pm

I am wondering where I am going wrong and whether to get our local community police to call round to talk to him about the use of abusive language.

My exH is no help whatsoever. Just rings me when I have them to complain at me about their behaviour.

I had hoped I was going to get off easy - but no such luck. Altho tbh he is OK at the moment. He has always been such a lovely boy it's come as a bit of a surprise! I work at a nursery and when the parents are stressing about sucking thumbs, security blankets etc. I think 'just you wait . . . ' the little darlings!

Hi, I'm new here, first post! Glad to find this section and thread - I was worried it would be all pregnant 28 year olds. Anyway...I have two teenaged sons, 16 and nearly 14. Dealing with the 'terrible twos' was a doddle compared to this. My eldest was was born cantankerous and curmugeonly so no change there then, but my middle son used to have such a sunny disposition, so all this bolshiness is hard to stomach. Someone said gin helps, and yes I can vouch for that, regularly, twice a night!!! My eldest son cannot speak to me in anything less than an aggressive scathing fashion and usually bites my head off before I can even finish a sentence, so long conversations are out. Yet he is a good, sensible harworking boy who never lets me down on the important things in life, and his teachers and other people generally find him polite and delightful. Go figure. Sometimes it's easier to just co-exist in pleasant silence as anything I say seems guaranteed to start a row! My middle son is generally more chatty and approachable, less intense and private, but he's the one I have more of a headache with in terms of behaviour at school etc. He's always messing around, hanging out with the class clowns, and getting detention for something that 'isn't fair' and the teachers are always 'picking on' him! All of them - which is an amazing coincidence... But again, I know he's basically a good boy at heart, very clever, hardworking, good moral compass, just a bit silly and full of himself at the moment. I know exactly how you feel. Just keep repeating the mantra 'It's not his fault - he can't help it, it is normal, it WILL pass! Get yourself one of those posters that says KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON, and look at it regularly-it helps! I have a nine year old son as well and he's my best buddy and soulmate for the moment at least. I've probably got another 4 years max before he 'turns'! Hey-ho, life's rich pattern and all that.

pmsl random 'the lynx phase'

Actually my ex teens weren't really too bad overall. You just have to get used to the slightly different behaviour, and THEIR friends were always delightful to me.....

As long as they are not doing anything illegal, dangerous, life-threatening, its probably just as well to carry on as normal and do not treat them any differently. Only have a proper fight over the very major things.

Teenagers don't have to be horrid. Sometimes I think expectation of 'teenage' behaviour almost makes it happen, IYSWIM.

My DS2 (13) hasn't actually 'turned' yet and is still v pleasant, but am wondering if this is just because I have lowered my standards.....

OMG I am shaking in my boots now, my DS is a delight and has just turned 12 PLEASE dont tell me is will be like his 13 yo sister I cant cope with 2 of them stomping and bangin doors. Oh and that "look" they do when you ask them to do anything (please pick up your coat, homework etc)
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO it will not happen to MY little boy.

Thank you all so much - you have made me laugh about my little darling . I just hope I live long enough to see him with teenage sons . . .

Have a great day

Ignoring it helps. Gives him more point of being obnoxious if it winds you up. Only speak to him when he is in more 'pleasant' mood.

Have learnt over the years of teenagerdom from mine that what you may perceive as a completely normal question or comment is, in fact, interpreted as a gross and ridiculous invasion of their privacy. Thus only speak when spoken to in future in their presence.

You will also find your DS is probably positively delightful in front of his friends' parents.

Gin helps, as does cold white wine.

Early days. Can you still decipher what he is actually saying when he is rude/answers back?

Yes it will pass...into grunts, undiscernable moaning, vacant looks, smelly pits, bum fluff on face,.....

Gin helps, so does maintaining a sense of humour when all else fails. That loving likeable boy will return, indeed is still there somewhere...bless him!!

He should enter the living in his room stage fairly soon ...only emerging to eat and grunt followed by the lynx stage [usually a girl involved]

Good luck!

DS was like this from 14 till about 21 [sorry]

He did grow out of it tho and now at thirty is lovely, I do put that down to DDIL knocking him into shape tho

It will pass.

Gin helps.

Watch Harry Enfield's Kevin and Perry and know you are not alone.

I know it's his hormones and I know it's fairly normal but my daughter has got to 14 without too much stress. My son now 12 has turned into a monster literally overnight. He's rude, answers back, says no when we ask him to do something, gives us the sneery look when asked to do his homework. He's gone from a loving, likeable boy to a horror. Please please tell me it will pass.

aaaaaaaaaaagh