so, it turns out that my (almost) 15 year old is stealing off others, not just us. HELP!

[fryalot]

We have all known for ages in our house that if you want something to remain where you left it, you hide it or lock it away.

Have tried reasoning with her, punishing her, rewarding her for not stealing stuff, taking things off her, grounding her, scaring her with stories about police cells and borstals and stuff, taking away telly/playstation/computer time, having her stay with policeman relatives for a week or so so they can scare her with their own stories about police cells and things.

Have had a phone call today from my friend who dd1 babysits for sometimes and it appears that she has been taking stuff from her house.

I am mortified, very ashamed and embarrassed and obviously will replace what she took. My friend is being very tactful and understanding and I am full of admiration for the way she has handled this.

But... WHAT do I do with dd1? How can I get it through her head that this is wrong and can only lead to trouble and heartache for all of us?

Any advice muchly appreciated (even if I don't come back to the thread for a while)

[GrapefruitMoon]

I would make her go and apologise in person to your friend and make your dd responsible for replacing the things she has taken - eg by doing free babysitting for you or your friend (if she would let her in her house again) or from her pocket money if she gets any...

I would really come down as hard as you can on her - someone I know was lightfingered at home in the way you describe, it eventually escalated to stealing from bags, etc at her part-time job and the police did get involved and she was very lucky to just get the sack and not anything more serious - I think her parents (who were absolutely mortified) wished they had nipped it in the bud sooner....

Maybe you need to see if you can get referred to a child psychologist to see if there is anything at the route of it?

[morningsun]

what is the reason she's taking the things,lack of money,rebelliousness,unhappiness,lack of confidence/mental health issues,or becos she can get away with it?
Is it just a phase?or has she been in trouble with the law etc before.
Not knowing more i can only think,sit down withher and talk about why she's doing it.Get her to get a job to pay it back and for funds?

[lou33]

i'd be inclined to strip her room of anything but the bare necessities and remove every single luxury, plus take her door off its hinges, make her work like a trooper for ever apologise to the friend, as well as putting any pocket money she may usually receive towards replacing the stolen goods

[fryalot]

she appears to take things just because she wants them - a bit like a magpie!

Have tried reasoning with her and punishing her as detailed in my OP. She doesn't get away with it but nothing seems to bother her particularly. She sulks a bit and thinks we're "having a go" at her rather than seeing that her behaviour is what has caused us to rant at her.

Am seriously considering making her go round and replace the stuff she took, she will obviously have to give back the money she earnt for babysitting - I'm not having my friend pay for dd1 to steal off her!

I wondered about child psychologist or similar - how would I go about getting referred to one?

And I am quite liking the idea of stripping her room of everything and removing the door; it is something we haven't tried yet and she does like her privacy.

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions...

[deste]

I think you are right to make her go round and replace the stuff. I personally would march her round and explain to your friend why she took the stuff and how she thought she was going to get away with it. She does need some help though before she really gets into trouble.

[slayerette]

report her to the police

[janeite]

The school should be able to help you refer her to a psychologist; is this happening at school too?

I agree with making her apologise in person and with making her give stuff back. Also removal of all privileges and stripping of the room of all but bare essentials. I really, really don't agree with removing the door though - I think that is a way to drive her further away imho.

[lljkk]

(Speaking as a bit of an ex-klepto myself) I think you need to come down on her like a tonne of brix. What lou33 said, really.

[Pennies]

I hope you don't mind me asking, but what did she take? Does she still have those things/ If not, what has she done with them?

[differentID]

My bf dd stole from my house once about 3 years ago now. She has been banned from ever setting foot in the building again- and we have made her wait outside the gate for us when we've all gone to the cinema. She refused to speak to us for 2 weeks when discovered and the relationship is still frosty now that she's 19. She knows we don't trust her- my handbag stays near me at all times and we double check we have everythiong when we;ve been staying over at our friends.
she still steals from her mother, but doesn't care about anything.

[fryalot]

pennies - she took some make-up. Nothing too expensive, the point being that she saw it and even though it wasn't hers to take, she took it.

When we asked her about it, she said that her friend had given it to her, when pushed, she admitted taking it but said that it had been on the floor and she just picked it up.

It was actually in my friend's make-up case, in her bedroom so dd1 was obviously rooting through her stuff, which I find almost as awful as her actually taking it

She has been round and returned the make-up. I am refunding my friend the money she paid dd1 to babysit. She is currently upstairs in her room tidying it.

I am trying to get an appointment with her form tutor at the moment so will mention this when I see her.

Slayerette - we did discuss getting the police involved but in the end we thought that there was no going back from that and it's a step that we will take if we have to but we'd rather exhaust all other options first.

[tatt]

have just been reading William Glasser's Unhappy Teenagers which talks about choice theory and trying not to control your teenagers. Makes me a bit reluctant to sugegst what I'd normally do - which is what you've been trying already.

I think this is the point at which I would see my gp and ask for a referral to a child psychologist. Not sure if that's the right route but they will hopefully be able to point you at someone if not.

[claw3]

Have you tried actually taking her to the police station, prearranged, im sure they wouldnt mind showing her what a police cell looks like etc, etc?

[claw3]

Also i know im probably stating the obvious but have you asked her why she steals?

Is it because she doesnt have these things?

[lljkk]

I'm strongly minded to believe it's a kind of control thing (expressing more control and power in her life than she actually feels like she has), combined with low impulse control and wanting to just break out of the good girl mode sometimes. (I bet that Squonk's DD is usually very 'good' in other respects). That's why she takes low value things, because she doesn't really want to hurt anyone, and they seem nice and she just fancies them. If you ask her why she takes them, she won't be able to say anything that makes sense.

If you help her get on top of things that are overwhelming her (school, life, the extremely daunting prospect of being a 'grown-up'), she very well might outgrow the klepto habit without having to do the other measures people are talking about.

[AnyFucker]

great post llj

[lljkk]

Thanks AF (). I am perhaps too much in touch with the worst of teenage angst.
I hope you find a way thru soon, Squonk.

[whiteflame]

squonk, your description "if you want something to remain where you left it, you hide it or lock it away" rings a bell with me... when i was growing up, my sister used to take (seemingly random) things. now, i would totally trust her around my belongings.

it seemed what finally cured her was a flatmate stealing HER things when she went flatting. she said that it showed her how unbelievably frustrating/unnerving it was to know someone had first of all invaded your space to look for things to take, and secondly taken stuff that you'd bought because you needed it for yourself. i really don't think she'd been able to properly put herself in the other person's shoes when she was a teenager - partly not having been on the receiving end and probably the immaturity of a teenager mixed in.

not sure how that helps with your dd though. could you make her really see the other point of view by (temporarily) invading her privacy like she invades yours? i'm not sure that reciprocating the stealing would do it, she'd probably interpret that as you being spiteful, and it would escalate. for her to truly find out about the emotions on the receiving end, it needs to seem un-engineered, with her having done nothing to the other person to warrant it. perhaps the removing door for a time, with an explanation of you have no privacy so why should she? very tough one.

[Hassled]

From what you say, your issue should maybe be less about how you can punish her and more about why she does it. There are conditions - kleptomania? - that can prompt this sort of behaviour. I think she needs some help - I hope someone can point you in the right direction.

[gagarin]

Sadly the teenage brain has very rudimentary skills in putting yourself in someone elses shoes.

So taking stuff from other people would not really seem terrible to many teenagers - who genuinely just can't understand how upset someone would be.

I don't think removing the door would work as becaue your dd prob GENUINELY believes that it is a fuss about nothing and would really see it as an unfair punishment.

TBH I would just pop into her room while she is at school and swipe something of hers that is just "lying around" (a favorite eyeliner is the best) and discuss it whne she starts rampaging around looking for it!

But then I do have a harsh streak!

You could then have the discussion about taking people's makeup without asking.

Like her you weren't "stealing" it

Like her it was "just lying around"

[fryalot]

this is really good advice, guys.

I have an appointment with her form tutor (hopefully) next week so I shall discuss it with her. She's not doing too well at school so the control thing that lljkk talks about sort of makes sense.

Also, that she genuinely doesn't seem to understand why it is such an issue.

Thanks for all your suggestions, I'll let you know what happens...

[gagarin]

Oh - and I did have a friend who's dd was stealing stuff to give to other kids - started as bravado & a way to get noticed.

Just a thought in case she's feeling lonely and left out at school and is doing it to seem cool.

[RiaParkinson]

squonk i sympathise so much being the parents of a light fingered 14 yr old dd

my make up upsets me but she moved on to money

i THINK we shamed her into stopping but was still a little unsure and nervous abou tleaving bits of cash about...

dd has JUST got a job

sundays 25 pounds a day

We are hoping that this is it. NOw that she has to earn her own money she will understand the meaning of it being 'your own' more

i was GUTTED when i discovered he week my baby was due that dd had stolen money off me. Not entirely surprised but gutted.

I happens to the best of us and [kisses] its awful!