how to cope with an out of conrtol 18 year old girl

[urc]

My daughter is 18, she refuses to go back to college, she won't get a job, she sleeps till 1 o'clock in the afternoon. most days she is at the pub, drinking and smoking. she comes in around 4am, eats everything she can find and speaks to me like something on the bottom of her shoe. Do I kick her out as she pays no keep? If I do kick her out she may become an even bigger problem. I need some advice as I don't know what to do.

[urc]

Any advice will do as no-one has any more ideas of how to deal with her

[Freckle]

Where does she get her money for ciggies and booze? Are you subsidising her? If you are, then stop. Tell her she has to do something in return for food and lodging. Take away her key and tell her she'll get it back when she speaks to you in a civil way.

Does she have a mobile phone? Who pays for it?

[mysterymoniker]

kicking her out would be too harsh, can you talk to her calmly about what she wants to do with her life? I'd cut off financial support and help her find a course or job she is interested in - had some rocky times with my 18yo but she is more or less on track now

[shootRudolphinthehip]

18 is legally and physically adulthood. Her maturity levels obviously don't match but it is your house. I would speak to her and tell her it is her last chance to buck her ideas up or she's out. If it's a less than positive response then I'm afraid you should pack her a bag. She IS NOT entitled to live with you anymore- you are choosing to let her stay with you and there are conditions that apply or she has to go. Even if she has nowhere obvious to go she'll find somewhere. And you have to mean it.

I was a disrespectful little shit at 17 and my parents threw me out and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I got my act together, funded myself through Uni and got married to a terrific bloke (after being an arse and floating about for several years I might add). You sound like a nice person so do yourself and her a favour- give her another chance, explain yourself clearly and if it doesn't work- chuck her out.

[shootRudolphinthehip]

Just reread your OP and had a thought, has she changed her behaviour recently or has she been an idiot for a while? Has something happened or is she meddling with things she shouldn't be? Or just thinking that it is her house and not yours?

God it's all ahead of me. Bugger

[mumonthenet]

custy will have some ideas.

but basically you need to give her some tough love.

stop giving her money, stop giving her lodging and food. Tell her you love her but you don't like her behaviour...just as you would if she were a toddler!

If she wishes to continue her behaviour then she will have to do it elsewhere. But even as you say this reiterate that you love her but her behaviour is not acceptable.

She needs to respect you and she won't if you continue to allow her to do this to you.

[Leenie]

URC, i am going through almost the same with my 17 yr old girl, she has dropped out of college and is now doing an apprenticeship at a salon, she has strted being so argumentative and swears at me and calles me names if i try and get tough with her, she keeps her room like a tip, doesn't help with chores and comes and goes as and when she pleases, if she is at home she just lazes around in her nightgown refusing to even bring down cups,plates etc from her room, she is making me so bloody miserable and tearful i just feel like walking out sometimes my self, but i just cant bear tje thought of her going into a hostel, i have today spoken to a guy at Hap25, as she went there and presented herself as homeless, (she basically wants to move out cos she doesnt like my rules, she wants to be able to cosy up in bed with her boyfriend (which i will not allow) and do whatever she wants no rules or regulations, they have offered me parental support classes and also mediation for the two of us , which i agreed to as anything is worth a try, when she was told by them that they will not rehouse her as she is not homeless, she had a hissy fit, told them all where to go and stormed out, shouting that she will sleep onm the street as she is not going home, they have advised me that if she has not come home by tomorrow to report her as a missing person, i don't know when all this crap will end with her, but it is affecting the whol;e house and it is so unfair , why are teenage girls so bloody selfish,

[resolutions]

hi leenie,i don't know the answer to that but would like to join in to generate some ideas.
my dd is 15 and has recently behaved in a similar way to yours in terms of wanting her own way and if i don't approve of things seems to think she can ?move out at 16 .
sympathies

[OneLieIn]

stop giving her money and charge her rent. She can pay for the rent in kind by doing chores around the house or in cash. No cash, change the locks. She needs to learn to fly solo or respect the rules.

[missingtheaction]

the right advice is of course tough love - treat her like you would a stranger acting like this.

But you are her mum, and this is the downside of unconditional love - you don't want her to hate you, even temporarily.

Sympathy. My ds is a scrounger too, but gets away with it because he is nice about it rather than horrible.

[Leenie]

I have come home from work this evening to find my DD already home, boyfriend in tow sitting in the living room eating and watching tv, (so much for i'll sleep on the street, i'm never coming home again !!) I had a very brief discussion about her behaviour and advised her that i will be writing a contract of behaviour, rules and boundaries that she will have to agree to and also touched on the subject of contributing (very touchy subject ) DD says its a bloody joke that she has to pay me to live at home when she only gets £90 a week, (i am asking for 20) am i being unreasonable ??, anyway i pointed out that her boyfriend is always having dinner and drinks etc and she is always scrounging a fiver here and a tenner there, so, it all adds up, she got very stroppy and argued that BF hardly ever eats , so i cooked dinner and only dished up for her, she was not impressed, and stormed back upstairs in silence (BF still in tow)i am now going to try to stick to this 'tough love' treatment, parent daughter relationship only, the friendship thing will have to be earned,

[3littlefrogs]

At 18 you should not be subsidising her unless she is in full time education. She should be doing all her own laundry, and contributing to the houshold expenses.

Where does she get money for the pub and smoking?

Wher does the boyfriend fit into this? Is he older than her?

Are there drugs involved?

You need to stay calm, assure her that you love her, but her behaviour is not acceptable.

It is your house - I have heard of parents who simply take the door off the teenager's bedroom until the behaviour improves!

Seriously though. My boys are 20 and almost 18, and I have been through it all. Tough love is the only way to go, and don't give them money. Mine did all their own laundry from the age of 15, and got part time jobs as soon as they got their GCSEs.

[Lilybeto]

I am always surprised when I read these types of threads. I cant believe there are adults who act like this. Although she is your daughter and you love her the answer has to be tough love because she is not respecting you or your home. I wouldn't give her any money, at all! If she is not paying any rent and doesn't get a job then she has to earn her keep. If you set rent at £25pw (which is very cheap) then she can work for 5 hours a week around the house, effectively earning £5ph. Then there is food. Work out what she is eating and charge her for it. Then there are bills, she is an adult using electricity and gas, so she should pay for it (by doing chores). Sit down and go through all of these things with her. Explain that although she is your child, she is not a child. Ask her if she agrees to these rules, if not ask her if she has any other suggestions as to how she can pay her rent, if she is uncooperative then I think you need to show her were the door is, quite literally. If you treat her like a child she will act like one.
Good luck, it sounds tough but if you let her walk all over you it will just get worse.