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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

What do your DSs do with their dads?

17 replies

mumto3boys · 29/12/2008 12:41

DS 1 will be 12 next week. My DH is his step dad - we have been together since DS was 2 and a half. His real dad has always been in and out of his life, at the moment he is having some contact, but not that regular as he is not local. He is very unreliable and not a particularly good role model at all for DS. DS has no time alone with his real dad as his step brothers are there. I am not sure he enjoys the contact very much, but wants to stay in touch.

But the reason for my post is that DS and DH are like chalk and cheese. DH is ex navy, likes football, rugby, fishing and is generally a bit of a mans man.

DS has tried to like all these things but just doesn't enjoy them. He wants to spend time with DH, but they don't really have any common ground for them to do things together.

We have 4 year old twin boys who have a few medical problems and it feels like there is no one to spend special time with DS1. Ex doesn't spend 1 to 1 time with him, and DH works very long hours and when they are together there's nothing that interests them both.

DS would spend all day on pc or playstation and DH hates this.

What do your sons do with their dads? Has anyone got any ideas?

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themulledmanneredjanitor · 29/12/2008 12:44

have you a wii? that would combine the activity thing with the computer game?
going to a football match?

maybe have a family meeting and see if you can come up with some ideas between you family activities?

we have a snow zone place near here where you can go toboganning and things? maybe something like that? or what about geo caching?

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Tortington · 29/12/2008 12:45

erm. nothing. they don't go out and actually 'do' anything but there is a lot of interaction throughout the day. i guess the common ground is computers.

and just listening to him go on and on about shit - i have no idea about (xbox)

dh and i played guitar hero yesterday, that was quite entertaining.

i am not sure if him not being bio dad is making a difference or whether you are putting too much emphasis on it?

as long as there is listening and laughing at various points throughout the day i think all is well

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mumto3boys · 29/12/2008 12:56

Actually we got a wii as a family present for xmas and its been something they have started to do together and it has kind of made me realise that they do nothing else together!

I think the problem is DH really hates the amount of time DS spends on computer games and takes the piss a bit, which I do moan at him about.

I think the problem is DH is very set in his ways, and DS really likes computers.

Also dh works such long hours he's quite grumpy when he gets in and tends to snap, which doesn't bode well with 12 year old going through know it all stage. So a lot of the time its bickering, rather than quality time together.

We don't have an indoor snow place near us, that would be fab!

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christywhisty · 29/12/2008 13:22

Dh tends to work long hours so doesn't get to spend much time with DS 13 during the week. Thankfully they have similar interest in computers and DH will help DS with design work on pc ie last week taught him google sketch so DS could do some geography homework.
Also both interested in photography and electronics so they do talk about that.
DH is not interested in computer games at all except the odd game on the wii.
DH and DS also do go to the cinema together probably about once a month.

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random · 29/12/2008 13:39

My ds[16] and his dad watch football and snooker together and will go to the local snooker club for a game

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glinda · 29/12/2008 13:44

Perhaps they could learn something new together. I think that it is easier to bond if they are on a level - similar difficulties - helping each other etc. What about learning an instrument? My DH and DS play golf together but I think that DH likes it more than DS to be honest.

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potoftea · 29/12/2008 13:51

We've gone through phases of this with my dh and both our boys (now 16 and 14) and then other times they spend lots of time together.

They've done...pitch and putt, kayaking, walking the dog, snooker or pool, swimming, hill walking (usually with another dad and son) cinema, or other times just watching a match together either on tv or live.

I think though just being there and ready to listen is the most important thing for teenagers and their parents. While you may not spend lots of time together, them knowing a parent is there to listen if they want to talk, is worth more than anything.

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Mumwhensdinnerready · 30/12/2008 17:08

One way my DH gets 1 to 1 time with our 2 boys is when he takes them out to various activities. He does all the taxiing around for them and so for example when he takes DS2 to judo there is an hour in the car to chat, and, while DS does judo DH watches and encourages him.
Does your son have a hobby that your DH could support even if he does not participate?
DS1 watches stuff on tv with his dad that wouldn't interest me (QI, University Challenge, Mock the Week). It's a way of spending time together even though it's not active.

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roisin · 30/12/2008 17:40

Dh sometimes takes dss (9 and 11) to the zoo or cinema or for a meal or to lazerzone or shopping! Occasionally takes just one of them, but usually both (for childcare reasons). If I'm away and ds2 is out at a mate's or a party then he sometimes takes ds1 out for a man-to-man meal, which they both enjoy.

ds1 and dh are very close; they watch all sorts of DVDs together in the evenings after ds2 has gone to bed and I'm on mumsnet! (QI, Top Gear, Lost, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, Blackadder, etc.)

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Fivesetsofschoolfees · 30/12/2008 17:43

DH and DSs watch football, play computer games, watch TV shows that don't interest me (Dr Who, Heroes, etc.).

They also read the newspaper together and discuss the articles

If DH is doing DIY, he usually seconds a son.

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milou2 · 30/12/2008 18:02

My husband takes our sons together to see films, and falls asleep while they watch!

They do trips to buy special items, eg games, stuff for school, a real jacket and tie.

Sometimes one will go in the car to 'give it a run'.

Watch Top Gear, Qi, other tv.

Dvd at home.

Make an airfix model together.

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milou2 · 30/12/2008 18:03

More stuff - football match, karting, bowling...sounds as if they are always active, but they have plenty of time apart.

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mumto3boys · 31/12/2008 19:44

Thanks

Reading through I suppose they spend more time together than I realised, like to and from his activities. WE had a bit of a chat about it and he has also been playing on his computer games with him, even though he says he's not that keen.

Also, as our 2 younger boys won't be able to go, DH is taking him to the cinema for his birthday treat.

Think maybe DH just needs a nudge sometimes

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Bink · 31/12/2008 20:10

Agree about the deputising for DIY - electrician's mate, first-theatre-nurse of specialised screwdriver selection, grass-collector behind the lawnmover, ladder-holder and warner of tiles falling off, chainsaw-monitor (when switched off only) - that's a really good one, and, come to think of it, the entire basis of my brothers' relationship with our dad. You can do it from about age 4 up, not just teenagers.

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lazymumofteenagesons · 01/01/2009 15:37

ds(1) who is 17 does very little with his father, but do spend time together in car when he gets a lift! Sometimes discuss current affairs, the economy etc.

Ds(2) 14 will watch football matches, top gear etc with his father and go to shops for DVDs, CDs computer games. Also, if your son is interested in music, DH has taken Ds(2) to concerts/gigs which he wouldn't be able to go to on his own.

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Milliways · 01/01/2009 19:16

DH & DS(13) got annual membership to Rileys Pool/SNooker clubs this year (there are 2 near us). It is only about £6pa per adult - and you get 2 Free Pints! £3.50 for kids. You can then get 3 hours of play for £5 - so a great weekend treat for DS who would love his own Pool table!!

They also like playing witht the Petrol Radio Controlled cars, and recently have started playing Badminton together.

DS loves playing cards so we all do that together too.

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idobelieveinsanta · 01/01/2009 21:42

They go fishing, dp is ds foootie coach so they do football together, they go on xbox together online, watch football on the telly.

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