Worried I don't like my daughter

[mrsmaidamess]

Can't be bothered to namechange,but I need some sense talking into me.

I feel so...disconnected from dd(13).I ask her to do things... its always when she's finished doing what she wants to do.
When her friends come round she's lippy, cocky and LOVES to try to humiliate me or dh or her brothers infront of her friends.

She begrudgingly helps out around the house, all the while tutting, eyerolling.

She is all over ds(5) but finds any reason she can to wind up and upset and belittle ds(7).

I am finding it increasingly hard to like her...we argue a lot. She never takes responsibility whne she has done something wrong. I am negative with her, I know I am...I was watching a video of when ds(7) was newborn and even then I'm saying "dd, get out of the shot, we've got loads of video of you"

If I heard anyone else talking to their dd the way she and I talk I would be appalled. but as we are both stubborn I find it hard to be nice to her, or loving. I don't like her at the moment...how awful does that sound?

[jesuswhatnext]

not awful at all, i have one of those too

i think its about par for the course tbh, its just them finding their feet - i take just so much showing off etc, pick my arguments then let go if she really pisses me off.

give it a couple of years, the lovely girl you had will be back

[mrsmaidamess]

God I hope so. I hate the stalemates we seem to be having. I find it easier to just avoid her than get tangled up in our pointless arguments.

[RustyBear]

I'm afraid 13 year old girls are hard to like.

It gets a bit better around 15-16 if you're lucky, by 18 you'll find she's turned into a delightful adult.

You will then need her support as you cope with the teenage monsters your sweet little boys will be turning into.....

[mrsmaidamess]

Well, thats part of the probem Rusty, I am sooo attuned to one of my ds's I cannot imagine him being anything other than the poppet he is now. The younger one though, he's a different kettle of fish altogether...

[mrsmaidamess]

But thanks for saying 13 year old gals are hard to like!

[mabanana]

I feel like that about my three year old today! They sound very alike....!
(actually love her much more now she is at a friend's house - bad mummy)

[mrsmaidamess]

I know...my dd's been upstairs for 2 hours now, and its bliss.....

[twoluvlykids]

my dd (13) and I are very alike, so it causes lots of rows - dh & ds just keep their heads down.

but what works for me, is to "tune out" when she's ranting and raving at me, & I usually let her think she's right, coz I know she's not.....

and I frequently re-remind myself, in my head, that I'm the adult....

[mrsmaidamess]

Yes we are very alike too...a pair of right smart arses at the best of times.

I find it very hard to ignore the mickey taking when she has a friend over though.

I tackled her about it yesterday but she would not take any heed of what I was saying and flounced of slamming the door and screaming I HATE YOU.

What have I done to deserve this?!

[jesuswhatnext]

just feeding her, clothing her, educating her etc

it sounds to me like you have a spirited teen who will push/test you but will ultimatly be good company, a good friend etc

me and mum were soooooo the same, we are very close now and respect each other (most of the time)

[mrsmaidamess]

Hmmmm.... 'Spirited' would be the right word!

[twoluvlykids]

hmm, mickey taking is annoying, but I, luckily, know her friends well enough to get them on my side.

i say things like "Bet you don't talk to your Mum like this?" in a friendly way

[mrsmaidamess]

Thats a good one. then she looks like a fool, instead of me!

[ByTheSea]

DS1, almost 13, is like this too.

[jesuswhatnext]

ok mrsmaidamess - i take back any advice i have ever given, my dd is being a tired, stroppy, rude, hungry pitfuckinga ever since i walked through the door aaarrrggggghhhhh

oh and btw, 'may i borrow some money'

no you may fucking well not!!!

give me back the little kid that loved her mummy and daddy and went to bed at 6.30!!!

[deste]

Warn her that if she makes a fool of you in front of her friends that you will show her friends photos of her sitting on her potty, geeky hairstyles etc and if she stops you will also stop.

[fizzbuzz]

That is inspired deste!

They are just such hard work. Yesterday took ds 14 to opticians. Then we went to Pizza Express, he sat on nice comfy seat, whilst I stood in cue to be seated . Why was I so mad about this?

He then "borrowed" £37.00 off me for a computer game.

I drove home feeling like a bank and a slave

[akhems]

sounds a lot like my house... and I was talking to my mum about it last week and sadly I've come to the realisation that while I love them, I don't actually like my kids very much

[crankycrane]

sounds like my dd (PITA)

atm I humour her, if she gets in a strop, i mimic her, we both end up laughing

dd used to be embarass me wherever we went, so I just tell her not to bother comming anywhere with me, my dd is 14

[missingtheaction]

yup - there's a reason why we all dread teenagerhood.

I think the mistake I make is that i know that we've gone from child-mummy to adult-adult (mine are 15 and 18 fgs). But they've made the transition from child to adult while I still treat them like my own little babies who are so perfect and are too little to know no better and who think i am perfect.

I DO think it's crucial to establish that you demand respect from them at all times - the whole disrespect bit drives me nuts. They know exactly what they are doing - treating you like S$%^ to humiliate you to test their power. You need to make sure you don't accidently give up your Alpha status!

So when she is a stroppy little cow treat her like you would treat any stroppy little cow, don't treat her like your sweet know-no-better two year old.

Off to take my own advice...

[TheProvincialLady]

If your DD humiliates you in front of her friends in your house then tell her she is not having any friends in your house until it stops. Tell her you will send friends home as soon as it happens..which would be embarrassing for her. It is your house and you have the right not to be treated like that as much as she does.

Some special time together as often as you can manage/bear it would probably help too. You need her to feel that you love her even though it is hard to show sometimes.

[mrsmaidamess]

I think she is relying on the fact that I won't blow up infront of her friends when she starts . But I genuinely think she believes she is doing nothing wrong.

She is so quick to claim ignorance when I bring up things she has said or done that have gone too far.

Thats when the eye rolling , tutting, and door slamming starts. But you are right, I shouldn't let the fact that she has company stop me from telling her off .

(I'm also concious of how her friends will report it " J's Mum is horrible")

[BoffinMum]

In my experience, DDs of this age know exactly which buttons to press to get a reaction out of you. It's all anyone can do not to cast them into the wilderness sometimes. As my dad says, it the years between 13 and 40 that are the worst.

[mrsmaidamess]

Well Boffin, I've got 2 more years to go then!

[BoffinMum]

PS I bet her friends think you're brilliant compared to their parents. Remember Kevin and Perry?