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Teenagers

Lost the Plot with DS, 14

17 replies

mummyflood · 30/03/2008 16:52

Hi everyone. Would really appreciate some advice on suitable sanctions for the following, as I have just had a meltdown & basically 'thrown the book' at my 14yr old DS over the state of his bedroom.

In common with most mums of 14yr old boys, bedroom is invariably in a state of chaos/health hazard or somewhere in between. Earlier in the week I discovered on a very fleeting visit (he sleeps in the loft, dont go up every day) clean ironed clothes mixed in with 2 damp towels on top of chest of drawers/on the slide to the floor.

This morning I went up to do a recce, and discovered;
A pile of mud under desk, with keyboard upside down on top (reckon the mud may have come from football boots)
No sheet or pillow case on bed - haven't just fallen off, have never been there since he was asked to change his bed 3/4 days ago
X-Box switched on, in a drawer, with assorted games slung casually on top of the drawer unit
computer in part-finished state (he is building it and is awaiting more parts) on the floor, on the edge of the mud, on top of other filth
Bin-bag full of rubbish (crisp packets, drinks bottles, etc) casually thrown on top of all of the above.

Now I know you are all probably thinking I am a neglectful mum/housewife for not discovering this sooner, but I can honestly say that this has all built up in the last seven days or less since I last had a proper look in there. Bearing in mind we have had 1 week of Easter Hols, a friend sleeping over and several days with the two of them holed up in there.

Along with all of the above was the usual mucky washing on the floor, drawers half open with boxers and socks hanging out, general detritus everywhere - IYSWIM, typical teenage lad.

Please could anyone tell me what sanctions they think are realistic and do-able, with a week left of the hols - electronics ban, grounding & withdrawal of pocket money (due later today) are the usuals here.

All help & suggestions gratefully received, was pretty incandescent with rage earlier on!!

TIA
XXMFXX

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juuule · 30/03/2008 16:57

His room. Leave him to it.
Discuss at reasonable intervals about hygiene and why it's necessary. How you would like him to clear up his rubbish.
Apart from that, if it's not destroying the house or causing bad smells and he's not leaving rubbish in other areas outside his room then let I'd leave him to it.

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eekamoose · 30/03/2008 17:06

I'd like to think that I would stop washing his clothes. It would take guts and a very strong will because you must fear he'd keep going out in the dirty ones every day, but eventually, surely, he'd want some clean ones.

Also, not allowing friends to sleep over until room stays reasonable for a specific length of time (I'm sure you're not expecting perfect).

Also, he MUST clean up and mud and the rubbish, even if he does nothing else today.

Sympathies.

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AuntEm · 30/03/2008 18:41

DD's room also revolting and verging on health hazard (have previously found unidentifiable rotting fruit from school packed lunch). I feel quite strongly that as she does very little to contribute around the house, the least she can do is to clean up after herself so... no pocket money unless room is reasonably clean & tidy (& I don't have very high standards here) We've had huge shouting matches about this and now I just tell her to think of it as a very well paid cleaning job. (I also know she actually prefers it tidy)

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noddyholder · 30/03/2008 18:50

i am in the same boat
Just found various packed lunch stuff rotting away in his bag.2 cheques which i wrote on 2nd march for school stuff still up there inc one for a shakespeare production which is tomorrow and they are doing it for sats
Endless school books in a right old mess
I am going to ground him and am seriously considering cancelling his birthday sleepover as I have had enough of him TEENAGERS AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

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Madlentileater · 30/03/2008 18:55

I can top all of that. When DS1 was about 14 we took up the carpet in his room, we had decided to sand the floor, and what did we find UNDER the carpet? Uneaten sandwiches, neatly wrapped in clingfilm, and I have to say the decay process when evaporation is prevented by clingfilm is very....interesting. Sorry to add that 5 yrs later room is still a tip but I ignore his laundry with a clear conscience!

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milou2 · 30/03/2008 21:37

I take a bit by bit approach to my 12 yr old's room. When I go in I tend to tidy a little corner of it for him, maybe even ask if it's ok for me to do that.

Sometimes I ask him to pick up 3 items from the floor then stop, flylady style.

At the moment it is holidays for us so I am asking him to bring down any dirty stuff he has which he would like me to wash. I'm not getting het up about whether he brings it all down. Just introducing him to the idea of bringing laundry down to the basket!

I might go in and see something rotting and say 'that's gross' then ask him to put whatever it is in the bin I hold out nice and close to him.

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jammi · 30/03/2008 22:13

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mummyflood · 30/03/2008 22:25

sounds like he's normalish then, and there's not much light at the end of the tunnel!! mind you, I should know this already as his 43yr old dear old Dad is pretty crap at picking up after himself, especially smelly socks which the dog claims

OMG though Madlentileater, was yours conducting a science experiment, bless him??
Reminded me actually - the upholstery on his chair has a large hole in it. When I moved the chair for him to sit on whilst I let fly at him, I noticed a corner of something poking out. Turned out to be an empty prawn cocktail crisp packet stuffed in there!!

I wish he'd get interested in girls so I could actually have some impact with not washing/ironing his gear/not buying him anymore lynx to chuck in every corner - the little scumbag frankly doesnt care at the moment! Mind you, tonight due to being banned off everything electric apart from switching off his light and boiling the kettle for his drink, he has done a bit of airfix, some science revision, been reasonably nice to me and had a bath. Progress!!

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eekamoose · 30/03/2008 22:36

Jammi - you rock. I aspire to be like you. Well done.

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Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 30/03/2008 22:38

I don't go into my boys' room (19 & 16) and haven't for some time . I tell them when I want the bed stripping, give them clean linen and I park the hoover in there every so often (if I can find space) Washing gets done if it makes the trip to the laundry basket.

Leave 'em to it. If he wants to live in squalor then let him. The only thing I would have issue with is the x box left on (they do get a bit hot). If he can't look after it and hence keep the rest of you safe from the risk of fire then take the power lead. He'll get the message.

Don't argue about it. You'll have bigger battles. Trust me.

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mumeeee · 30/03/2008 23:08

DD3 16 and DD2 18 often have untidy rooms but I just leave them to it. DD3 has dyspraxia and I do sometimes help her get her stuff organised and help her change her bed. Sheets she can manage but she always gets in a muddle with the duvet,
I only go into DD2's room if she hasn't Bought dirty cups down,

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getmeouttahere · 01/04/2008 14:17

Jammi. Please will you come and live at my house.

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ktmoomoo · 02/04/2008 11:46

jammi. weldone to you omg i wish i could carry out all that my ds [14] is a nightmare i may try all wat you do and see wat reaction i get xx thankyou

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4teenmum · 02/04/2008 17:41

I leave DDs (13, 16, 16) and DS (13) bedrooms until our monthly visit by cleaning company is due. I tend to go in and rescue damp towels but the DC have to bring their own dirty clothes down to the washing machine and then put away cleaned and ironed clothes. They are also responsible for bringing down dirty washing-up but this is a sticking point for DD (16).

This has worked for some time but on Tuesday, when cleaners came for monthly visit, they disturbed a mouse in DD (16) bedroom. DH has decreed 'no food in bedrooms' and put down a trap. The mouse has either left or is still hiding.

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Loshad · 02/04/2008 18:18

I generally don't fuss about ds1's(14)bedroom.
It's revolting and a total tip. He's in the loft too, and while I go up every day (to say things like - get up my darling or a similar phrase) I don't tidy it or clean it - they have to put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket, although i do sometime weaken and take them off the bathroom floor. Any in his room do not get washed. I don't iron their clothes anyway, and he strips his bed on request 9though i do have to remind him about putting duvet back on, but basically - they are their rooms, and if they want to live in total squalor and filth then that's up to them, there seem to be so many things to argue about [sigh] that the rooms are the least of the problem (also out of sight)

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jammi · 02/04/2008 22:46

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Chluro · 03/04/2008 17:20

Can I say, that is much much better than the state of my 14yo DDs room .

We have been advised that it is HER room, and to have basic rules (ours are no wet towels in there except the ONE we allow her to keep and no pots). I actually don't allow eating upstairs, but trying to stop her sneaking down after I am asleep or before I get home in an afternoon is impossible.

I have some photos I should upload of her room, will find somewhere to put them!

As for sanctions, we do one per misdemeanour and it lasts for that day only. I was forgetting what we had sanctioned and also found it very hard to stick to them for days on end esp in the holidays as she drove me MORE mad when she was grounded for example!

I no longer do her ironing or putting away of clothes and if she stores weeks worth of clothing to dump in the basket in one go, she even has to wash it herself. It CAN be hard to stick to, there have been times she has gone to school in crumpled, grubby uniform but these are now VERY RARE as she isn't keen either . I do one reminder of washing into the basket and that is it.

If she doesn't comply with our very basic house rules then sanctions come into play. Fireworks at first and it has taken us no less than 8 weeks to get more compliance than not as well as a calmer house, but its is much better of late.

Hang on in there and sadly, its totally normal!

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