confused, my estranged son says he hates me

[JT109]

my son doesnt live with me since he was 13, he was expelled from 2 schools, has run away, got involved with drugs although that has stopped now, and has left school with no quals and doesnt think he should get a job that he thinks is beneath him!! i alway talk to him about working or going back to college but he is stuck in a rut. my problem is he contantly asks me for new trainers or handouts and i say no as i think he should get a job. i will support him if he needs assistance with driiving lessons or college fees etc, but i dont feel im helping if i give him money so he can keep dossing. he has now become abusive to the point of saying he hates me and doesnt want to see or speak to me again. i am supposed to see him next week to go to open eve at college. dont know what to do?

[meemar]

Where does he live? How is he supporting himself?

[JT109]

he lives with his girlfriend at her mums house, i give her mum money to help with bills

[meemar]

Hi JT, you didn't say how old he is, but I think if he's old enough to leave school then he's old enough to get a job and pay for his own trainers.

You are doing the right thing by offering to support him with driving lessons or college expenses, if he is willing to commit himself to those things. But general handouts because he can't be bothered to work are not on.

He is acting like a child, and trying to emotionally blackmail you by saying he hates you.

[beaniesteve]

how old is he now?

Are you still collecting child allowance for him?

[JT109]

i know this but it hurts. he is 17 now and is a very angry person. he has been very badly let down by his dad, i feel he is directing this at me as im an easy target. should i go on wed?

[JT109]

no i dont collect allowance for him, his girlfriends mum does

[beaniesteve]

I think you should go. if you don't then it will look like you have given up emotionally supporting him. Did he ask you to go in the first place?

[JT109]

no i suggested it . he said college isnt for him, he cant afford it etc ( all excuses) i said i will help with transport (bike) fees etc so that he doesnt have to worry on that side, i want him to at least look into it, see what his options are. he seemed keen the other week.

[meemar]

I think you should still go on wednesday. I don't feel you should withdraw your support for him, especially if he is willing to consider going to college.

You are right to stick to your guns about money though. He is old enough, to know that if he wants stuff that are treats and not essentials he has to earn it.

[JT109]

i would never withdraw support for him, it just becomes so onesided he didnt contact me on my b'day or mothers day. if i go and see him we will have a lovely day out then the text msg start and get more and more abusive. he speaks to relatives and says he will apologise but the call never comes, its always me making the contact.

[meemar]

JT - it must be so hurtful and heartbreaking for you

He does sound quite immature, and like he's hurting you because he is hurt or lost himself.

Although it's no consolation right now, college may be just what he needs. He may grow up a bit when he is around other people who are taking a bit of responsibility for their lives and start to get some perspective on his own life and how he's treating you.

[JT109]

thanks meemar. i think you are right. i want nothing more than him to be happy and a success in his life through working as i feel that will get his confidence/ self esteem up. his girlfriend doesnt work either which im sure isnt helping.