Help - have looked in DDs diary and feel sick, devastated, that she is having sex

[tearinghairout]

She is 14.3. She told me a few weeks ago that she was going out with someone (14.1)

She didn't say any more so I started looking in her diary (awful, I know, - two of my friends with DDs the same age do it....) Anyway, lots of stuff like 'we hugged at the bus stop'. Aah. I know that at Youth Club they do lots of things about contraception - they practise putting condoms on a fake willy at 13!! So a couple of weeks ago I forced myself to talk about sex with her. I said that people didn't need to do anything they didn't want to, and the under-16 law is there to protect people. She said 'Mum, we do all that stuff at school' so I left it. We've also had plenty of discussion about abortion etc because of the storyline on Corrie recently. Not sure if at 14 that's 'real' though.

Then she found out through the grapevine that he'd 'done it' with his previous gf (15) & was upset. (diary again) Now she's out & I looked in her diary again - it described something that happened outside Youth Club last week. She says 'it' happened out of the blue & she wasn't very good ('but will get better with practice, he he').

I can't tell you how sickened I feel. I told DH & he said perhaps it's just a hand job or whatever, but that he'd noticed someone had googled Durex the other day (not us).

Whatever do I say to her before next Youth Club???

[CrackerOfNuts]

Are you going to tell her that you read her diary ??

[brimfull]

oh god

If i were you I would have a serious talk to her about contraception and reiterate what you said before about not feeling pressured to have sex because others have done it etc.

The first priority is that she stays safe and doesn't get pregnant.

[PaulaYatesBiggestFan]

so it is not actually stated that she had sex just that she did 'something' with him

[hercules1]

Youth Club should have written to you to tell you what they were going to be doing re sex ed.
I would keep all lines of communication open but you cant let on you've read her diary.

[CrackerOfNuts]

I agree that you need to talk to her, but you really need to try and make sure she doesn't find out that you read her diary, as she will never trust you again then.

[posieflump]

I'm not sure there is anythign you can say ot her.
You certainly can't tell her you've read her diary as she might never trust you again
At least she is behaving responsibly. I would be tempted to buy her a packet of condoms (but I know that will be frowned upon on here) - if she asks why just say you noticed she'd googled it

[sherby]

Well the googling durex thing is good if she has been having sex.

You really can't tell her that you have read her diary but I would tell her that you know she googled durex and does she have anything she wants to talk about.

I just want to say that my mother found out that I was having sex at 14 and told my bfs parents and the school (wtf I don't know what she thought that would achieve) and I never trusted her again.

Please think carefully before you do anything.

[posieflump]

you could be sneaky and insist you pick her up from Youth Club.

[Thefearlessfreak]

I don't think that it sounds like she had full on sex; just did something more sexual & new to her.

It sounds like she needs support just to try & protect her from rushing in just because he told her he did "it" with someone else.

[Flight]

I suppose you could invite her to ask him round, meet him, let them be in her room at least and not out in an alleyway - that way you can provide durex and know she is safe and he is treating her in an OK way, plus she will feel she can trust you and you trust her - that is a good message to send out.

[posieflump]

I think mechancally it would be very hard to have sex for the first time at a bus stop

[camillathechicken]

she is not going to stop experimenting sexually just because you tell her to

and good she is googling durex , sounds sensible

this is the problem with reading diaries, when you have the information, what cna you do with it?

do you usually have a good relationship where she can tell you things?

[tearinghairout]

Thanks people. Fearless, you could be right. There are lots of 'degrees' of sexual activity & I'm trying to see this throug a 14yr olds' eyes. As to the 'buy some Durex' thing, she is 14!!! There's a difference between knowing about condoms & atually going into a shop & buying some, isn't there?

Agree that I can't let her know I've read the diary.

It's also v. difficult to initiate these conversations. She is quiet, but not timid - she's composed. She won't discuss things she doesn't want to, and Youth Club is something she keeps private - I only know about the sex ed there because DS tells me (her twin).

[TheAntiFlounce]

I'd get her onto the pill, pronto, and show her graphic pictures of STDs

[camillathechicken]

you can say to her that you know she is seeing someone, and if she wants to discuss safe sex or contraception with you, you will be happy to help and take her to FPC if neccesary

pill is good idea but won;t protect against STIs

[posieflump]

you know she is considering having sex though so I think it is responsible to provide her with protection

[tearinghairout]

Flight, I've met him, and his parents, who are lovely. He was a friend of DS's first. He's a nice lad, bit of an emo. He dyes his blond hair black, which I know means nothing, except - how many 14 yr olds do that? It tells me that he has a (quietly)rebellious streak.

Sorry, I know how I would be reacting if she was 16 - all the things you say. Buy condoms, invite him round, accept that she is going to have a sex life. But she is 14.

[ib]

I'm with flight, she'll do what she'll do, all you can do is ensure she can do it at home feeling safe rather than in some back alley. It's great that she's thinking of condoms, most girls that age will leave that up to the boy, which can be less than reliable...I would definitely encourage her to take responsibility of it herself.

[tearinghairout]

At 14? I taught my dch that this was something you 'saved' for someone special, and you waited until you were 16. I'm in shock, sorry. I never expected more than kissing & cuddling until then.

[ib]

Sorry, xposted, I type so slowly! It is possible to have a really good sexual relationship at that age - I did (even younger) and am really glad that I started out my sexual life in that way. The fact that it is in a loving relationship with a nice guy makes a much bigger difference than the age IMO. Many of my friends who had sex for the first time much later had much worse experiences than me.

[TheAntiFlounce]

I was going at it like a rabbit at 14. My mother also taught me to wait, and that it was special, and for someone I loved. I didn't agree with her, and I did as I pleased.

get her on some contraception before it's too late - luckily I had the sense to sort my own out!

[Flight]

Tearing hair out, I didn't mean it in that way - only damage limitation iyswim. I would too be shocked, mine are too small for me to have gone through it yet, but I am not relishing the prospect!


I hope you can get your head around it somehow, or find a way to discuss it with her. You must be feeling rotten.

[tearinghairout]

Thanks ib & flounce - I really appreciate this. I was brought up in a very strict religious family & towed the line. I was determined to be a virgin for as long as possible! Also not to dictate to my own dch. So, good to get other perspectives.

[tearinghairout]

Flight, yeah I know. I'm just struggling to accept this from a dd who was a little girl until recently - obsessed with Bratz. Damage limitation, you're right.

Thanks to you all. I really appreciate your perpectives on this. Even DH told me to get onto MN & ask advice!

Now I'm off for a stiff one - drinkie that is

[ScienceTeacher]

I wouldn't let her go to the next youth club. She'd be grounded for the foreseeable future.