Am I a control freak expecting to know where my DS 18 is???

[largeginplease]

We have just had a major panic. My DS 18, bunked off from boarding school for 2 days. He was supposed to go to a uni i/v up north but didn't turn up, or arrive back at school when expected. The police tracked him down in Kent. He gave a cock and bull story which both I and the school find hard to believe and couldn't see what the fuss is about. The school gave him money for the trip. I didn't even know he was going. He turns his mobile off so its hard to contact him. It's the end of term on Weds, and he says he will be at his father's for the first week of the holidays, but I don't believe him. When I said I wanted confirmation he went mad and said I was a control freak. Sadly we had the divorce from hell and his father refuses to have any contact with me over holiday arrangements. (His father gave me a bollocking when I rang him over DS bunking off and said I should not have given the police his number!!!) I just want to make sure he doesn't drift off to stay with friends I don't know and party all holidays as he had A levels next term and needs to revise. Is it too much to want to know where is is, expect him to stay in contact, and to put some serious revision in?? Every time I put my foot down he bunks off to his father where he has a quiet life. He's so lazy I know if left to his own devices he would do FA. He is 18 so should I back off?

[Carmenere]

I would say that there is much truth in the saying that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
He's 18 what are you going to do, sheckle him to a desk? No, mostly he is out of your control. Particularly if his dad is being a twit too. Iiwy I would write him a letter and point out that it is his choice if he wants to piss his life and opportunities away. Make him aware that he is very priveledged and that he has gotten a very good start in life and that he has lots of people who care about him. If he wants to a be an immature waster he can but he must accept that he will be one of lifes also-rans and not a person of integrity, maturity and responsibility.

I know that is all a bit much and beyond comprehension to an immature 18 yr old but I believe that a good emotional lecture that appeals to his vanity and lets him know how disappointed you are can hit the spot. If nothing else it will show him that you care and are concerned.

[mumblechum]

Good post Carmanere.

[largeginplease]

Thanks Carmanere. We had a major row before he went back to school and I wrote him a really long letter, but it didn't get through to him(last straw on last days of hols - in bed til 4.45pm - at least the house was still tidy when we got back!). He has just frozen me out most of this term. It's so frustrating. I'm pleased he's gone from being a geek to developing a really cool look and having a great social life, but he needs to strike a balance! I have volunteered to forgo a family holiday to stay home all vacation and have some together time without his SD, my new DH around, but now he's been so rude to me, why should I? It makes me so I'll drop him an e-mail, and hope for the best.

[Anna8888]

Your DS is 18 and an adult, however he is also still a school boy supported by you and his father. As such he has, at the very least, a moral duty to keep his parents informed of his movements.

You are emphatically not a control freak - just a normal, caring, mother.

[mumeeee]

I agree with anna. DD2 is 18 and in her final year at sixth form collegte and DH and I both like to know where she is.

[AbbeyA]

You are not a control freak. We have had arguments with our DS at about 17. He is now 18 and always sends a text saying where he is and expected time back, he thinks it is fussing but accepts that we care.The main thing is that he has got into the habit of doing it.

[largeginplease]

Thanks everyone. I sent him an e-mail, then we had a heart to heart on the phone. I think we're back on track

[zippitippitoes]

i have had not dissimilar probs with ds

i did the i am worried because i love uyo aporoach

[bogwobbit]

Anna says "you're not a control freak - just a normal, caring mother"
I would agree totally.
Your ds may be 18 and technically an adult but he still being supported by you. It's common decency to let you know where he is and what he's doing (up to a point)
I'm glad you're spoken to your ds and think you're back on track. I had a similar battle with my dd when she was about that age and tbh it can feel like you're fighting a losing battle.
She's nearly 21 now and a different person.
They just need to grow up but it's blardy hard for us parents when they're doing it!

[ajandjjmum]

I don't think you're out of order at all.

But I do think it's difficult for kids who suddenly discover a social life etc. around exam time. He's presumably worked hard up until now - just bad timing.

I'm sure you'll get through it.