Advice needed - teenager out of control....

[Beetroot]

My best mates son is 14 in year 10

He has always been very strong minded, stubborn and a rebel I guess.

He has started just walking out of school whenever he feels like it. Mucks around in class and is a leader so others follow. When he behaves everyone behaves i seems.

he had 10 detentions in a row recently

Last Saturday he was staying at a mates house when my mate phoned him he didn't pick up, 4 hours he was uncontactable. Eventually his sf phoned form the house next door - a number he didn't recognise and he picked up straight away - he was at a party, no adults, no way of getting home and was planning on staying there the night.

He is pretty violent towards his sister to.

Ideas needed!
Lives half the week with his mum and half with his dad btw

[Freckle]

What's the dad's take on this? Is he supportive of the mum's attempts to discipline or does he feel it's nothing to do with him?

If he's violent towards his sister, that's bad news. Perhaps your mate needs to contact Women's Aid as this is domestic violence. Maybe a stint of living just with his dad might be called for.

[Beetroot]

Dad is great. Lets the boy get away with more I think.

Not sure if just living with the dad is an option though.

Women's aid? Really? there is no way she would do that.

[Freckle]

Well, they can give advice. It's not necessarily the first step in any sort of proceedings. But it's not fair on her dd if she does nothing, is it? How old is the sister?

[Beetroot]

Sister is 13

He is very aggressive all round I think.

I will suggest.

[Beetroot]

I totally agree with you freckle bw

[Freckle]

Has she spoken to her GP about his aggression? Is it a sudden change or has he always had this tendency? 14 is a funny age. DS1 is 14 and has turned into a bit of a moody, grumpy git and will occasionally thump one of his brothers (usually well deserved but still unacceptable ). However, I wouldn't say that he is aggressive per se.

It does sound like she needs some outside help either from the medical profession or from the school's counsellors, etc. What is the school's reaction to his bunking off?

[Beetroot]

He has always had a tendacy to aggression

The school give him detentions.

I agree outside help is what is needed. They seem reluctant sadly

[Anchovy]

Your mate has my sympathies. One of my brothers went quite badly off the rails at exactly that age (nice middle class family background, liberal involved parents with clear boundaries blah-di-blah). It was bloody hard work for my parents - lots of drugs involved and very little schooling.

On the plus side, my brother is now in his forties with a nice family and very sorted.

I think the only thing I can say is that however grim it is, your friends must never give up on him. My parents just kind of stuck in there through all the shit. The other thing is to deal with it right now and try as hard as possible to nip things in the bud before they escalate - because they do escalate from walking out of school/constant detentions/suspension/"parting company with the school - and then my DB was mildly outraged that the local 6th form college didn't want him (not being able to see what no O levels and an expulsion were doing to his "attractability")

Is there anything he really likes doing that can be used as a "currency"? My brother had a band, who were allowed to practice in our garage if certain parameters were stuck to. My Dad was really good at transporting them all to local church halls for gigs. I think however much your instinct as a parent is to back off, its an age at which you really need to engage.

[Beetroot]

He is in a band and they really support him.

Exactly the same as your db.

[Anchovy]

In our case there wasn't really an answer - everyone just stuck on in there. Teenage boys are uncommunicative, disobedient etc. I agree re outside agency being a good idea, but TBH I'm not really sure what they will say.

I think any involvement with good cool male role models that aren't parents is a really good thing at that age. Hard to find, unfortunately.

[sdr]

Is there any male family member he has some respect for who may be able to help? Had similar problem as Anchovy with my brother, she's right that you have to keep in there and let him know he's loved, it's his behaviour that's not. Both parents need to agree on approach and be consistent.

[Beetroot]

I was thinking boarding school!

[Freckle]

I think part of the problem might be that his parents are no longer together and he may be receiving inconsistent messages re his behaviour.

Perhaps your mate needs to have a meeting with her ex and hopefully they can agree a consistent strategy. All the while he can swan off to dad's and have less strict discipline/boundaries, any progress his mum makes with him at home is going to be lost.

[ladette]

Sport's a good outlet for pent up agression. Sports like squash, badminton, tennis and table tennis can appeal even if they're not into football/cricket/rugby. He can play those either with his parents or pals, and perhaps even his sister? Might not be easy or even possible to persuade him but might be worth having a go?

[alfiesbabe]

Hormones will be a big part of it, specially if he's had a recent growth spurt or voice breaking. As he has a naturally rebellious streak, you only need to add the hormones to have a lethal cocktail!
Sounds like there's an underlying issue too which is making him very angry - maybe the split family? -even if it happened a while ago, a lot of unresolved issues can emerge at teenage time. Or a school issue? - my ds went through a phase of anger problems, and it turned out the issue was boredom at school.
Sport is good as ladette says - and remind your friend that strong minded individuals are more interesting in the lng run

[Freckle]

Or what about drama? Can be an outlet for all sorts of emotions, as well as a focus and an opportunity to meet some new people who might have a good influence on him.

[aj14]

my 14 year old daughter has become what i believe to be out of control , she constantly getting detentions from school and not even doing them , stealing from me and others constantly lies .lazy and seems to like causing problems , i have spoken to school and been up there on several occasions and each time my daughter always says she will improve but not yet happened , i have spoken to her dad but his as much use as a chocolate teapot, but my husband has always tried to help my daughter but she does not return any thanks or respect what can we do

[upahill]

A lot of teenage boys like Kickboxing. I think this can be a good idea for several reasons.

1 The intense physical exercise deals with pent up up aggression and acts a release.

2 It takes place in a controlled eniromenent.

3 Like all sports discipline, self control and etiquette are very important. It can teach young people how to control their tempers to respect authority (the Sensi) as well as the opponont.

4 With it being perceived as a 'macho' sport young males will often take to it.

A lot of the teenage lads I know go to kickboxing 3 times a week for maximum fitness.