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Teenagers

How do I get through to mum??? or should I leave them to it?

23 replies

MrsSnape · 20/01/2008 18:57

I have posted on here before about my sister. Last time I posted she weighed 13 stone at the age of 13. Every now and again my mum (who is also overweight) says "right thats it, we're definately going to start eating healthy from now on" but they never do.

Last weekend was one of these times, they decided they were sick of being fat and went on a mad health run. They took my sister swimming on sunday morning and she really enjoyed it so my mum said "we've decided we're going to go swimming every sunday and on a tuesday night...that will help her lose weight won't it?" so I said "yes, good idea!".

She then said "yeah, I'll take her in KFC for her tea afterwards to encourage her". I actually laughed because I was so sure she was joking but she snapped and said "well KFC isnt that bad for you, its chicken, chicken is good for you!" so I explained that this chicken was anything BUT good for you and so she snapped "yeah well, once a week won't hurt her" .

I wasn't expecting the health run to last long but my mum phoned on Friday to say my sister had emmerged from the bathroom crying, she now weighed 14 STONE and is still only 13. She said "I have to help her lose weight, for her sake..." I agreed.

Yes already, the swimming has stopped and they're eating chocolate puddings, crisps and god knows what else.

At one point my sister was drinking upto 3 cans of redbull a day as my mum thought "energy drink" = "health drink".

This has been going on since my sister was a toddler and tbh, I'm sick of it...I'm sick of trying to help them.

So do I persevere or leave them to it?

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BroccoliSpears · 20/01/2008 19:03

Your poor sister. And poor you too, it must be so frustrating to watch.

I guess you can't make them do anything about your sister's weight, but at the same time I think it would be useful for your sister to know that you are someone to turn to if she wants help and decides that her mum isn't the most positive influence.

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needmorecoffee · 20/01/2008 19:08

your sister needs to go to her GP and get some help. Poor thing, she's getting the wrong advice and could end up with serious health issues.
Could she go withut your mum?
My mum and sister are both adults and do the same thing (my sister is 37) and desperately unhappy. Now my sister has finally left home (!) she is finally losing weight as there's no-one to be 'naughty' with.
I'm sorry to say this but your mum is killing your sister.

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dooley1 · 20/01/2008 19:11

could you take your sister once a week maybe?
It sounds like your mum needs help and encouragement with this not censure from you

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Wisteria · 20/01/2008 19:11

I would persevere MS - I would also get some information and advice to the sister myself - educate her and leave your Mum out of the loop.

Agree that she would benefit from seeing a GP.

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MrsSnape · 20/01/2008 19:29

Thing is they have had alot of help. They went to the GP who reffered them to a dietitian and my mum used to lie to them about what my sister ate so they thought it wasn't their fault. She would be eating crisp sandwiches, sunny delight, coco pops, tons of cola etc yet was telling the dietician that she "Hardly ate much".

I have shown them recipes from fish pies, homemade burgets, fruit smoothies....they do it for a week and then go back to freezer food again.

I offered to take her swimming, gym, karate...she wont go. She's very clingy with my mum but thats because my mum does EVERYTHING for her from washing her hair to putting out her clothes.

My sister hardly ever gets a proper wash and as a result has ended up with spots all over her back...she gets a bath around once a week, I buy her nice stuff from the body shop and she just doesnt use it.

I'm running out of ideas I even went and straightened her hair for her to make it look nice and as soon as I left she brushed it all out because it "was in her eyes"

I can see her ending up to be about 20 stone before long.

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dooley1 · 20/01/2008 19:30

your poor sister I wonder if she is depressed. It doesn't sound quite right that she is not bothered about washing

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Othersideofthechannel · 20/01/2008 19:32

This is very sad.

Does your upbringing differ in any way from your sister's?

If so, what made was the trigger for you changing your lifestyle?

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Dropdeadfred · 20/01/2008 19:35

Your mum and sister could join weight watchers together?

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dooley1 · 20/01/2008 19:37

might be completely impractical but could you take her in?

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MrsSnape · 20/01/2008 19:43

To be honest my upbring was pretty similar although I had my dad for most of mine (not the same as her dad). We ate crap though...pot noodles for tea etc but I think I was lucky enough to have a fast metobolism and so never put much weight on.

She is terrible with personal hygiene, she never baths or showers unless she is forced to, never has a wash or brushes her teeth properly and very often goes to school with thick greasy hair which is never even brushed properly because she refuses to do it herself and screams at the top of her voice when my mum does it.

The sad part is, she has no friends, no interests, no hobbies...she just spends all her time in her bedroom talking to her teddy bears or playing on Nick Jnr, cartoon network websites etc.

I couldn't take her it, she'd never leave my mum but I often dream about the changes we could make to her.

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Wisteria · 20/01/2008 20:02

She sounds like a very sad little girl Mrssnape . It must be hard to stand by and watch it happening; can you discuss her emotional state with your mum and see if you can open her mind up to getting her a bit of counselling?
Your little sis sounds as though she is depressed with an eating disorder (albeit with your Mum fuelling/ at the root of it). She is probably not washing or taking care of herself as she has such a low self image. It's a classic symptom of depression.

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hatwoman · 20/01/2008 20:10

blimey how sad. can you find an avenue for professional advice - for you I mean. perhaps go to the GP yourself? or take a look at these sites and see if there is any advice you can access on how to tackle this.

have a look here and here

could you try a different tack? ie forget anout the weight/eating/exercise and tackle confidence/lack of hobbies? help her find something she's good at and wants to do? I suspect finding something could help her take some positive steps?

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dooley1 · 20/01/2008 20:16

is she being bullied at school?

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MrsSnape · 20/01/2008 21:55

thanks for those links Hatwoman.

She is being bullied yes, last year one of the girls wrote that she was a lesbian and a "bum sheep" on the blackboard (or whiteboard?) for everyone to laugh at. I definately think she is depressed.

My mum wont hear of her going to councelling, she insists that there is nothing wrong with her.

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hatwoman · 20/01/2008 22:14

MrsS - I really feel for you. I was thinking though - she's very young still. and if you help turn the situation round now you could save her huge angst in her teenage years. I think in your shoes I would take the approach someone else said of doing something without necessarily getting your mum on board. can you and her both set yourselves some targets - gentle ones - that you can work towards together - not sure what area of life your targets would be in - anything really - but something you want to do that requires some commitment. and I think the idea of you and her swimming together once a week (without the KFC) is a really good one.

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tigermoth · 21/01/2008 19:47

I agree about taking her swimming once a week, or something similar - just some regular healthy activity. Also a chance for you and her to have time together, away from your mum's influence. Swimming is so relaxing and IMO a real mood lifter and, leading on from it, your sister might fancy some spa-like beauty treatments.(I go swimming three times a week, and have been doing this for a year and have definitely toned up and lost a little weight, even though I have not changed my eating habits at all).

Have you thought about having a quiet word with her teacher just to see what he or she feels about this and see if you can come up with a plan?

I think also, your sister needs to realise that she is in more control of things and not a child for your mum to manipulate. At 13 years old, she is old enough to cook some of her own meals and exercise control over what meals she eats. Does she like cooking? Can you encourage that interest - could she join a cooking club at school for instance, watch some cooking programmes on TV or buy some healthy eating recipe books? You could also suggest she and your mum buy a George Foreman type of fat reducing grill.

FWIW, my 13 year old son is on the chunky side but he loves cricket, though not all sports - he just found one that clicked. I take him swimming to boost his aerobic rate,and to begin with he was reluctant but now he loves a swim. He really likes cooking and is a fan of Jamie Oliver TV programmes. He enjoys reading cookery books. I know there are some great cook books aimed at teenagers out there. For christmas he asked for a George Foreman Grill and uses it several times a week.

HTH

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mankymanger · 21/01/2008 19:52

Is it just your sis and mum at home? Sounds like your mum is clingy to your sister too. Your sister sounds very young for a thirteen year old. Could there be any other problems?

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mankymanger · 21/01/2008 19:58

Forgot to say you sounds like a lovely big sister. My mum is 8 stone overweight and I'm always trying to support her but she hasn't managed to lose it yet. Its frustrating because you just want your family to be happy and healthy.

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cory · 21/01/2008 20:36

I read your other thread about your sister's social anxiety, and I felt so much for you; it must be really hard for you to see that things are going wrong and not know how to intervene. It does seem like your mum's problem are the crucial issue; almost as if she needs your sister to stay her baby and share her weight problems. Does your mum have a social life at all? Is there anything you could do to encourage her to get a better quality of life? Is she suffering from depression?
The suggestions of the other posters to take your sister swimming or cooking sound great, it sounds very much like she needs some counterbalancing influence in her life.

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tigermoth · 21/01/2008 22:21

I've been thinking a bit more about this. If you can't do anything direct about food and dieting can you help your sister to get other interests in her life - anything that gets her out and about. Girl guides, choir, line dancing club 0- anything really.

She could gain in all sorts of ways from this - more confidence, more enthusaism for life, chance of making friends and getting more distance from your mother's influence. Expanding her interests and social horizons could indirectly lead her to taking more care over her personal hygene and getting fitter.

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sdr · 26/01/2008 08:15

You sound like a lovely big sister. Is there a hobby that both your mum and sister could start together? Perhaps an evening class at your local college. Nothing that involves health/exercise but gets them out of the house and doing something positive.

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LoveMyGirls · 26/01/2008 08:20

Can you take her to weightwatchers and then swimming afterwards at least then she would be getting lots of info, support and encouragment and help to see this isn't right then with the swimming she could get excercise and a good wash.

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luciemule · 26/01/2008 08:36

MrsSnape - this sounds so upsetting for you.
To me, it seems more linked yo your mum being lonely and needing to do all of those things for your sister to 'hold on to her for longer'.

Does she encourage her not to do things for herself?

Could she come for a holiday to you?

Or perhaps to a holiday for teenagers, where she could meet other kids?

Whilst the eating thing is important, I think it might be more important to get your mum to start having time to herself with friends and socialising and not to treat your little sis like a baby any longer.

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