Help!!!!!!

[noddyholder]

My ds is 13 and is a typical teenager but is a nice boy.He has never really done much arouind the house and I have in the last year been trying to get him to do basic things which he rarely does.This week dp and I ahd a chat with him and told him he had to clean his room and toilet every saturday otherwise he couldn't go out.He was fine with this.Today he took the hoover up and dp and I nipped out for 5 mins and when we came back he had literally pulled the bedcover over and gone out.he had left his breakfast stuff in the living room and tv on!I called his mobile told him to come back and he hung up on me.Called him again and he said he was on the bus and wouldn't come homeand just laughed.He hung up on me twice so I said he is grounded What else can I do?He gets £30 a month and I think he should at least do something for it Should I stop the direct debit and only give him pocket money in cash if he has done his jobs?Nightmare!

[Wisteria]

......and so it begins noddy.

IMO the best way to deal with this attitude is the short sharp shock.

Don't give him his pocket money and remove something of great importance from his room.

Explain that it is a fair exchange; jobs in return for pocket money and possessions!

No shouting, no screaming, calm rational explanation and no discussion IYSWIM

[sherby]

Leave the breakfast dishes and hoovering for him to do when he comes home.

Sit him down and tell him firmly that you do not appreciate having the phone put down on you and that as far as you were concerned he agreed to do these chores so he will stick by his promise.

Tell him to go and do the things he should've done. Then tell him that if there is a repeat of this behaviour next week you will cancel the DD straight away until picks up his act.

Then conversation over, forget about it, talking nicely, do something nice together, go back to normal and see what happens next. If he fecks up next week stop the bloody DD

[noddyholder]

thanks this is the first time he has ever spoken to me like that!It is the hanging
up the phone that has p**d me off.The laughing at me didn't help either.He has gone to skateboarding aswell and I told him to come home so that is another thing to deal with.

[Carmenere]

This needs to be nipped in the bud asap. a short sharp shock is required immediately. How DARE he a)hang up on you and b) laugh at you.

I would stop the dd immediately and explain that he is evidently not mature enough to understand that you don't actually need to give him money but that he has to earn it. I would also remove his favourite things and make him earn them back.

I am so sorry that dp wasn't harder on dss when he was this age. He now has some really unpleasant, lazy, self indulgent traits that could easily have been dealt with when he was younger. You owe it to him to come down on him like a ton of bricks now so that he is a nicer person when he is older iyswim.

[sherby]

Yes the laughing thing is not on. Was he on the bus with mates? He was probably trying to look the tough man and not wanting to sit there and say sorry if his friends could here. Really not on though, might be a good idea to cancel the DD this week and tell him he needs two good weeks of doing the chores properly not half arsed to get it back.

[sherby]

hear not here

[noddyholder]

i agree carmenere I can't believe he hasn't come straight back

[noddyholder]

He was on the bus with his mates they were all blowing raspberries etc.I am angry because when I phoned him initiallt he was at the bus stop 2 mins from home and I told him to come back but he got on teh bus regardless.Dp is fuming but has gone to work.We need to stop this now as it will get worse

[sherby]

It would've been very hard for him to back down if all his mates knew what was going on. He probably knows he is in big trouble and thats why he hasn't come back yet.

[Carmenere]

Do you have a car Noddy? I would be tempted to go out and find him and make a HUGE scene in front of his mates and literally drag him back. The reason I would do this is because he will never do it again because he will then know that you will happily embarrass him if he doesn't do what you say.
My mum would have had no problem in dragging me home/embarassing me and that is one of the reasons I would rarely disobey her.
He is 13, that is far too young to be disobeying you so badly imo.
Basically if you let this one go can you imagine how bad it could get?

[noddyholder]

I don't drive so can';t but I would if I did.I think because he is an only child we have been too soft and tbh he has never really been punished.He will know he is in big trouble though I am fairly strict.He won't do it again because he won't be going out to skateboard club this week I think he needs to be grounded to really feel the heat.I think I find it hard to stick to it but we must or he will walk all over us as he gets older.

[PenelopePitstops]

Short sharp shock deffo needed

remove the moeny and let him earn it back, along with your trust and respect.

from now on only pay the money in if he has done the jobs you say.

I am only 19 but know how easy it is for parents to let this behaviour carry on and it doesnt do te children any favours in the future

[noddyholder]

Ok will stop DD.But do I need to do something more instant iykwim?The money goes in on the 1st of each month and so he still has this months or some of it.I want to ground him and dp says no computer for x days.Not sure which to do.feel like useless parent today

[PenelopePitstops]

you arent a useless parent, teenagers have a default setting of pissing parents off at any oppertunity

what does he enjoy more going out or computer?
perhaps ground him for the week and not computer unless needed for schoolwork for however long?

[dizzydance]

my 2 dss 13 and 14 have both acted like this. Last time ds2 13 was supposed to sleep at his mates and he wasn't allowed to as he had been rude. I find it hard sometimes as dh is away a lot and it is often just us 3. They do act up around their mates but I just tell them quietly how silly they look and they are not impressing anyone, just making them selves look stupid.

My new years resolution was to try to be much calmer, not retaliate and just say what I am going to do and mean it. It seems to be working so far this year which is great as sometimes I used to feel at my wits end with them both. Also they do lose pocket money if they are lazy and rude and they hate that.

[PenelopePitstops]

yes dizzydance, no nagging is a great resolution

my mum nagged all the time and in the end it was just annoying so we wouldnt listen or do anything about it.

Just be clear with what you are annoyed with, how you are unishing him and how you would like his behaviour to change

[noddyholder]

OK direct debit cancelled and no msn for a week.Dp is at work until 10pm so is up to me to sort it when he comes back.I will stick to it which is difficult as he is a pita when he is hanging about

[MarsLady]

You told him that he was grounded. Be sure to keep your word and that should be enough.

Now... what do you mean by grounded? No tv privileges? No going out? Whatever you decide that grounded means then that's what you do.

Don't do any of the jobs that you've asked him to do. He can do them on his return.

I tell my kids I don't care how much they moan but they get the jobs done. Be strong. Takes a few goes and a few groundings, withholding of privileges before they get it, but they get it!

[dizzydance]

It is really difficult. My 2 have gone out with their mates, and I am all alone, bliss.I feel like a useless parent as well, but I am sure we are not as my friends feel the same.
I do find life hard work ATM then I think not many years and they will be grown up and gone ( if they can afford to live anywhere that is). I breathe a sigh of relief when dh gets home, which is another week away yet. I do feel for you, I really do. Hope you get on ok later on when he gets home.

[noddyholder]

grounded to me is no going out.But tbh we are in a minute flat atm and I will prob kill him!He will have no msn and I will give him £5 after he ahs done his jobs each week rather than the direct debit which will really p him off as he likes the bank card etc.I have to be really tough on him as just taking away one thing wouldn't work as he ahs so much..the no msn will be hard for him

[PenelopePitstops]

sounds like a plan

stick to the no grounded rulw for as long as you say, so if you say a week specify which day the grounding end on.

It doesnt sound like he has that much compared to most teens, the only thing is the amount of money, but if he i used to havin it he will miss it. NO msn is a killer for all teens!!

[noddyholder]

He has all manner of nintendo dvd etc in his room and a snazzy bloody phone so I can't take it all away!Him around theb house all day is a punishment for me rather than him.

[3littlefrogs]

Please - never humiliate him in front of his mates. It may seem a good idea at the time, but he will never forgive you and your relationship will be spoiled and you will never regain his trust.

Money is the way to go. Allownces have to be earned. Non co-operation equals removal of mony and privileges, not humiliation in front of peers. If you embarrass him in front of his peers you are giving him a huge problem to deal with.

I have a 16 yrold and a nineteen yrold dss, and have posted a lot about the challenges I have faced.

Your ds sounds absolutely normal, and his reaction to your phoning him absolutely typical. I never phone my dss (well - it is fine to phone the nineteen yr old as he is now lovely, charming and sensible)I always used to txt them!

[noddyholder]

He is back completely non apologetic and still defiant?!?!?!?Will ignore him for now or I'll say too much

[ScienceTeacher]

I would cut the money straightaway.

My boys (14 & 16) have to keep their room and bathroom clean, and also do all of their own laundry (I do iron for them if they ask). The also have a few other chores around the house, including dog walking, hoovering, peeling potatoes, grass cutting etc etc. We have a big family and everyone has to pull their weight.

I give my boys £5 a week standing order into their bank accounts, but they also have 'businesses' at school where they earn about £5 per day.