Would you leave your teenage dd with your sister a few months per year?

[QuintessentialShadow]

I have two sons, 5 1/2 and 2 1/2. My niece will be 13 next month. The three of them adore eachother.

My family situation is complicated.

My sister lives on the canaries for health reasons (bad arthritis), and I currently live in london, due to go back to norway in march.

It looks like my sister and her dd will return soon too. But this means that my sister will have to go to the canaries and spend possibly jan-march as otherwise she will be a cripple in -20 degrees that is common at her home those months.

She wants to leave her dd with me those months.

How realistic is this? Bearing in mind that I only have experience of little boys (and 19 year old au pairs.....) and my own teenage years as experience, and I have not seen her day to day development, as we only see eachother a few weeks per year.

I think it could work, but.....

[pigleto]

If you get on it would be lovely. She can help with the kids and is unlikely to strop at you half as much as at her mother. What does she want to do?

[QuintessentialShadow]

She has not yet been asked. Yet. At the moment it is hypothetical. My sister is trying not to confuse her dd too much at the moment, due to issues with her dad. Her dd does not want to leave spain. She has friends, she is settled in class, she has spare time activities, doing well in school, her spanish is coming along brilliantly. In norway she was bullied, had no friends, and was generally unhappy. It is her dad who is insisting she comes back to live in norway. He is threatening to refuse signing her school papers for next year (the school needs both parents consent)

[sdr]

Could you try having her for a holiday, perhaps during half term or Easter? But without discussing longer-term arrangements. Give all parties, especially your niece a chance to see how well you get on.

[QuintessentialShadow]

That is a good idea!

[Weegle]

gosh, how complicated. But reading between the lines it actually sounds like neither your sis or your DN will be happy moving back to Norway. Is there no way around that to enable them to stay in the Canaries?

Assuming it did happen, would it be possible for DN to stay with you but to also take a holiday out to her mum in the Canaries between Jan-Mar (don't know when Norweigian hols are)? That might make the arrangement sound better to your DN and also sweeten the blow of moving away from her friends etc.

[QuintessentialShadow]

Weegle it is a nightmare, the poor girl is like a parcel. my sisters ex is insisting on visitation 6 times per year, which means she has to fly from the canaries to oslo via madrid on her own (my sister has to pay, though her ex is stinking rich and makes 40 k per month, and my sis has disability benefit). In the years they have lived there they have never had a single holiday together as ex is demanding she comes home to see him. I doubt she would be allowed to go visit her mum in the canaries, he would insist she come to him for half term. My niece cant wait for the day when she can say, "sorry dad, i am old enough to decide for myself". Especially as he is forcing her to undress at nudist beaches, and what not. And 12? She is so shy. sorry for offloading.

[Weegle]

Bloody hell - and feel free to offload.

Where is her dad's power coming from? Simply not signing the school registration form? There MUST be some way round that, especially if your sister isn't reliant on him for maintenance.

What a nightmare for all of you. Hardly treating his daughter looking at her best interests is he?! And your poor sister - I'm guessing she wouldn't want to be split from her daughter for 3 months if it wasn't for her health issues.

[QuintessentialShadow]

Weegle, her ex is not a very nice man. Like when our mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my sis was naturally upset, he insisted they go out to eat in a restaurant, she was picking at her meal, and he blew a fuse at how she was ruining his meal and why should my sisters mum getting cancer affect his life. He is lacking the ability to see anybodys situation than his own. And sometimes, if you have had a marriage where you end up with your baby in a refuge a good number of times, you feel so emotionally drained you lack the ability to stand up in yet another court case.

[sdr]

Concerned about your comment re the nudist beaches. Have a DD13 and DD10 and they are incredibly! sensitive about their bodies at this age. Sounds like the ex needs to be taken back to court. You sound like a lovely Aunty wanting to help so much, she's a very lucky girl.

[QuintessentialShadow]

We will see in summer, luckily nobody in their right minds goes to nudist beaches in the snow. Especially now she has started using, I dont think they are called bras, but those little tops for "just starting to develop" breasts. If he still insists now she is a teenager and not a child I will be

[Weegle]

what an arse and your poor sister. I hope somehow it works out for the best - you sound like a fab aunty/sis so at least they've both got that.

[QuintessentialShadow]

Kama, I too find it shocking. But he is a very special man. He is the kind of person that everybody likes, he is extremely intelligent, and very sociable and likeable. When my sis and him went to mediaten, he was just angelic and had no idea what my sister was talking about, he was wounded that she could come up with such fabrications. etc.

My niece is a lovely girl, troubled, like teenagers are, but I would truly enjoy her company, and my sons have only got this one cousin, and is not likely to get any other sadly, so in my opinion, anything that would get them to develop a firm relationship is good.

[dolally]

what kama says is exactly right.

hope your sister finds the strength to stand up to this bully. and also realises that the court would surely be on her side.

and also, your original question, can't see anything wrong with your niece living with you for a few months a year. Not really different from a kid being at boarding school with parents in a foreign country is it? Wonderful experience for her..