Have finally asked 16 yr dd to leave...

[SpacecadetOnADiet]

...and she has obliged..i suspect she has gone to her bf's.
I really thought that things were improving..but she got a new bf who doesnt work or go to college and its rubbed off on her..she failed 3 assigmenrs before christmas and wants to leave college..we had a massive row tonight and she threw a step ladder across the landing and it nearly hit my 3 yr old dd..i decided enough was enough and told her she had to look for somewhere else to live..she has gone already..to her boyfriends no doubt and I dont want her back..anyone who read m y previous thread pf a year ago will know that I have severe probs with her..I will be changing the locks.

[SpacecadetOnADiet]

bump

[mumeeee]

Sorry that you are having a hard time with your DD and you have ended up throwing her out.
I know that I would not be able to throw a 16 year old out to fend for themselves.
To me a 16 year old is still a child and needs to know they are loved.
Yes I know some teenagers are very difficult and I am not judging you.
Is there any way you can talk to her and let her know you still love her.

[Tortington]

i know what your feeling spacey = i really do. i was gonna ask my lad to go on xmas eve - cos am nice like that but i didn;t

do you want solutions? the only thing i can think of is that she is legally your responsability until she is 18 - that can either work for you or against you.

social services might have the numbers of some people that would be able to help you - parentline might have some agencies?

sorry you are going through this x

[SpacecadetOnADiet]

mumeeee..I had a lomg running thread on this about a year ago..Ive had to take being attacked etc..she terrifies my younger children, this is not a decision i have made lightly..she has had counselling, you name it..nothing helps, she continues to hurl abuse at me and frighten my children..this evening she threw a step ladder across the landing which nearly hit my 3 year old dd..i asked her to leave for the safety of my younger children..if it were a dh behaving like that..everyone would be condemming me for letting him stay..she is nearly 17..im hardly cracking open the champagne..im sat here looking at her baby photos and wondering where i went wrong..she has had more love than any child..despite everything she has done in the past, i have reassure her that i love her..but there comes a time when you have to call it quits.

[SpacecadetOnADiet]

thanks custy..she cant live here any more..its making me ill and not fair on the other children

[silkcushion]

Spacecadet - just wanted to say I'm sorry about the situation you find yrself in. I can understand you have to worry about the safety of yr smaller children.

Good luck and I hope yr relationship with dd improves (it may well do when you don't live together)

[pinkteddy]

poor you - haven't any advice to give but just wanted you to know that I am so sorry you have had to go through this. Maybe the time and space away will help you all?

[susiecutiemincepies]

what a rotten time you've had. I feel for you and the decision you have had to make. My mum had to do the same with my sister when she was 18, her BF at the time used to come round and smash our house up. me and my brother were terrified of being in our own home, as was mum. My sis would not finish her relationship refused to see what was happening. The BF ended up being sectioned a year or so later and was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Dad did not live with us and we had called the police many times. This was many many years ago now.I still think she has never understood mums need to do it, even now, all this time later, and she has her own children now. i realise how difficult it was for mum, but she had to think of me and my brother. we were older than your LO, but you have to consider the WHOLE family. If she cant do this, then you have to.
just really feel for you a sad day in your house hey? you've done the right thing for you now. maybe this will be the catalyst for her changing her behaviour? i do hope something positive can come from it all. Things are fine between us all now, and was very soon after actually. We are a close family, mum and sister and me and sister. my brother never really felt the same towards my sister though. Just feel So sad for you

[Kezza7779]

Hiya, i work in a childrens home with VERY troublesome 11-18 year old teens. This is a difficult one.... Yes she is only 16 but by the same token she is 16 and should no better than this. Sometimes tough love is what is needed. The key here i would say is not to 'just chuck her out and leave it' but to move forward and use this to your advantage. Most kids want to be at home in the long run and once shes had a spell at living away from home for a while she'll prob want to come home, if this happens you are back in control. At that point you need to tell her you love her, miss her and would love to have her home but agree on some ground rules........ No shouting, no arguing just clear cut boundaries for her to adhere to. A suggestion for this is not to create your own rules but to discuss the problem areas with her and both agree on the solutions that you BOTH need to adhere to, that way she will OWN the decisions and be more likely to adhere to them.

Faling all this and her not wanting to come home, you will prob find that you will develop a better relationship not living together.

As for her education etc, yes your prob right shes more than likely that so tied up and inflenced by her chap that shes messed it all up, but, all the nagging in the world isnt going to make it better, its got to be her decision. Remember this... If you have bought her up with good morals and values etc (which ive doubt you have)no matter what she does or experiments with in her teens, those values will be instilled in her and will come oozing out and put her back on the straight and narrow.

Also, if her chap isnt working or anything they will prob get sick to death of each other, also money will be tight which of course creates even more problems as we all know.....
sit back and wait, but STAY CALM!xxxxxx

[moondog]

Spacey,so sorry.
Haven't seen you posting for a while now and was wondering how you were.

Wishing you all peace and resolution for this year.

[Kezza7779]

that was meant to say (which ive NO doubt you have)!!!! Sorry!!

[silkcushion]

Kezza I think you may have meant to say "I've no doubt you have" re bringing her up with morals

[silkcushion]

x post

[WendyWeber]

spacey, I've been thinking about you lately too and wondering how things were for you - sorry it's like this

I understand why you did it and I hope she will too, after a while, and come round to being the daughter she used to be when you're not sharing the same space.

You have all had a difficult few years and deserve some peace, however hard come by. I can imagine that telling her you love her would choke you right now but could you write to her?

XXX

[mumeeee]

Sorry Spacecadet. I do understand why you had to come to that decision and know it/s not easy for you. She did need something drastic and I hope she wil realise you still love her and come back to you and back to being the daughter she used to be.

[SpacecadetOnADiet]

thanks for all your messages everyone.
her boyfriend lives next door with his parents, so if she is there then at least I know she is safe..they are nice people..trouble with dd is that she lies to people about whats going on here and tells them she is being ill treated..she will have loved going round there probably full of lies as to why shes been asked to leave..she was actually told that she had to find somewhere else to live..not leave straight away iyswim..but she chose to just go.
today I am trying to sort out the damage to my house..there is a chunk taken out of the bathroom door..this was done last night..her bedroom is wrecked

[crumpet]

I would be inclined to take a few photos of the damage - maybe she doesn't realise the extent of what she is doing, and when you do have your talk, then at least you have them to hand if she thinks that you are overreacting. As a teenager I could insist that black was white, but difficult to do that if there is the evidence

[SpacecadetOnADiet]

I have done crumpet..but ive done it before and she just blames me..she says its my fault because i "wind her up"

[SpacecadetOnADiet]

she stayed at her friends last night..she came back today to pick up some stuff then left again..she is staying at her friends for the time being..I have bawled my eyes out today because i feel so bad about it..but ultimately..its probably for the best

[Kezza7779]

yes stay strong.....x

[ZippiBabes]

I did this with dd 2 and she stayed with friends

I did then have her back

we had a crap time of it till

she left at 18 properly

she got pregnant by a lad she wasn't really seeing..they have had a lot of problems but dgs is great and i doubt dd and her dp will stya together as they frequently split but

ther e have been loads of complications but we are now in a very good relationship

it';s not the end

[anorak]

Hello SC. Don't feel bad you have really really done your best. Our family home has been much calmer and more peaceful since my DD1 left. I have my life back again and my other children are not being bullied. Your DD had every chance and can still change her ways and gain your favours again. Don't look back. You deserve to live in peace.

[ZippiBabes]

i should have said dd2 is now 22 and still with her dp

the father of dgs

he was a lad who had been in care

nothing ideal but it's surprising how much things can get better

[SpacecadetOnADiet]

I kinow ive ultimately done the right thing..but I still feel bad..ive got to think of the other dcs..last night ds2 asked if dd had left..I said yes..he replied..yippee.
dd2 then replied..no more shouting and she is only 3..I think that says it all