Stupid School Idea

[MrsSnape]

My sister is 14 next year.

She goes to a comp down the same street. She has no friends there or anywhere else as she suffers from social anxiety amongst other things.

Anyway the school have decided that after christmas her woodwork class will take place at another school, an hours walk away in one of the worst areas in the city. (so obviously the school isnt exactly 'nice').

This will mean that once a week her class will make their way to the other school by themselves for 9am in the morning and will return to their own school at 11am by coach.

My sister was crying her eyes out last night over it because she's terrified. She's never had to go anywhere on her own before and expecting her to walk around that kind of area on her own is a bit like pushing someone off a cliff in the hope that they'll learn to swim when they hit the water.

Are we being too protective or is it a stupid idea?

[mumblechum]

I can understand her being very stressed about it. Maybe your mum could arrange with the mums of some of her classmates to do a car pool in the morning?

An hour's walk before school is unreasonable imo, especially with it being so dark in the mornings.

Is there no way she can swap the woodwork for another module? Assuming it's D&T.

[edam]

It's a bit of an odd idea -why are they doing this?

But I don't think you can expect them to arrange their lessons around one girl with extreme social phobia. You need to be talking to the school to come up with some strategies to help her cope generally, and specifically with this situation.

It's not normal for a 13yo to never go anywhere on her own - she needs support so she can do this.

[karen999]

I would expect the school to provide transport there and back. If they can't do this then I would let them know that your sister will not be attending at another school. If you had wanted her to attend that school then you would have sent her there in the first place!

[edam]

Surely she won't have to walk - aren't there buses? Can't someone drive her?

[AndATigerschickInAPearTree]

I don't know your sister's particular situation but I would imagine that the school are doing this for a sound reason.
Is the other school a technical college? Are the facilities being changed/updated at your sister's school?
I do think that it is a bit much to expect them just to make their own way there. As mumblechum says, can anything be arranged to ensure she isn't walking all that way on her own?

[MrsSnape]

Apparantly the other school has better woodwork facilities.

Part of me thinks that its about time she was pushed to be more independant but she really is nervous and sensitive. She's already had one bad experience at that school as they went there to do their SATS mocks and one of the older boys smacked her on the bum (probably jokingly) but she cried over it and said he really hurt her and she was terrified. She is overweight too and walks with a limp so is an instant target for bullies.

My mum doesnt know any of the other mums and even so I dont think my sister would go with any of the other kids, she doesnt go out for her dinner when they ask her if shes going to chippy or anything. She has litrally never done anything without an adult being present.

My mum phoned the school last night and told them she wouldnt be doing it and kind of demanded that they put her in another class but they said that would mean she did a course of cooking lessons twice which wouldnt be fair to the others which I can sort of see their point. They offered to have a teaching assistant go with her for the first 2 weeks but said after that she'd still have to go on her own.

[MrsSnape]

My mum doesnt drive and my sister has never caught a bus on her own and is refusing to start now. My mum offered to go with her on bus but she refused saying she'd get laughed at for turning up with her mum.

[mumblechum]

Is she getting any support? If not, I think she really needs to see the gp and see if she can be referred on for some counselling, eg cognitive behaviour therapy.

As she gets older, it's going to get progressively worse unless someone helps her with her anxiety problem.

for her.

[ProfessorGrammaticus]

That seems fair enogh from the school's point of view - she needs to move on with this, for her own sake I think?

[edam]

It's a bit bloody short notice! I think you have to be firm with the school and say it's not possible for your sister to do this with so little notice, given that her phobia is so overwhelming.

And then go down to the GP and get the poor girl some help - she needs support to overcome this or at least be able to handle it.

[MrsSnape]

we've had this problem with her since she was a toddler. Wouldnt play with anyone at nursery then at school it was the same, wouldnt speak to anyone, would cry at the slightest thing...she was so sensitive that she was still crying at the sound of the hoover at the age of 7 because the noise scared her so much.

Their house got burgled a few years ago and she was so distraught she was physically sick.

Whenever they had things happening at school that made her nervous (like a taster day to the secondry school) she had diarreah in the morning with nerves.

She wont even go on school trips, has never been to a school disco or anyone elses birthday party and now at the age of 14 (nearly) she still avoids anywhere with balloons as she's terrified they'll pop near her.

Thing is nobody seems to want to help, the primary school suggested occuptaional therapy but that fell through. GP refferred her to a pscyhologist and that fell through...at secondry school she's had to be moved out of the art class because they noise and rowdy behaviour worry her so much...

But like I said, nobody seems to want to help her thinking she'll just grow out of it.

[mumblechum]

Oh, that is so terribly sad!

I really hope that she gets some help soon.

[ggirlsbells]

I feel for your sister,when you say the psychologist and occupational therapy "fell through" do you mean your sister didn't want to go?

I think she needs to get some help from adolescent psychiatric services.I would see the gp again.

As for the school could you pay for a taxi to get there.I would discuss this issue with the school,there may be a way they can help .

[EricScrooge]

I had this when i was at school. We had to have our arts/crafty things at the old school for years while they pissed around with the money to build a new arts/crafts block.

It was half way accross the city form the other part of the school - but right next to my house. Used to annoy everyone. I had the opposite problem getting to normal school in that it took me ages by bike.

I think i was doing that for at least a year before they finally closed it down and had it all on one site, but some of the older kids had to do it for a lot longer.

I am surprised they have to do this in this day and age when most schools seem to keep everything on one site.

[Kezza7779]

More to the point if shes getting bullied etc what are the school doing about it? How is she doing in her actual education? What are her grades like?
Has anyone thought about taking her out of mainstream and putting her into reintegration or some similar provision?
It must be very very dificult for her if she suffers from social anxiety amongst other things (what are the other things?)
Places like reintegration could offer her one to one or smaller classes of 5 or so which may really help her. How does she feel about about the school, has she got a friend? if not i would seriously lok into moving her to somewhere that may be more suitable. I know this is off the beeting track but i see it all the time n my job.... xxxx

[Kezza7779]

As for mental health help, she is entitled to help under childrens mental health services, someone needs to get tough with the GP and get her a referral and fast. So many children slip through the net quietly and once she becomes an adult and under adult mental health it gets worse. Put a letter in writing to your GP and GET THE REFERRAL, she needs help Imagine being her? i thnk she does well to even go to a comp of 100's if not 1000's of other children. The woodwork class being moved is just a small part of an escalating problem. xxxxxx

[Tortington]

i dont think you or your mother are doing her any favours - after all the the role of a parent is to socialise a child. It seems as though your sister isn;t socialised.

i mean how hard is it to catch a bus?

the answer is - for almost everyne - its not hard in the slightest. but for your sister it is an ordeal

so whether she actually does this woodwork thing or not - is NOT the point.

she had low self esteem and no social skills and keeping her wrapped up with mummy isnt going to help her - so someone for gods sake take the girl on a bus ride.

help the girl join some club or other

take her to doctors

[hungrypanda]

My DD had a very similar situation. Is there a way to raise her confidence? Does she have something she really enjoys doing? My DD wasn't so bad as a teenager, this started in her early 20s. A lot of things led up it though. She was critised too much by a lot of people and as a result she shut down. She hasn't recovered commpletely, but she's much better. She started her own business and since then she has really improved.

My DD didn't get invited anywhere as a teen and she was quite immature. A lot of things frightened her too. My family has a very nasty history and are no longer in the picture. She lost her godmother when she was 17 and wouldn't sleep in the dark afterwards. Her godmother was really lovely and they were very close. Seeing a dead body under any circumstances, can be very frightening. It doesn't matter how old you are.

My DD hates loud noises and has always had sensitive hearing. She still can't stand balloons popping or fireworks. She's not a coward, she just doesn't like loud noises.

Would Judo or another sport raise her confidence do you think? What hobbies does she have? Is there a website that she might like to join, one in which the people are nice and caring. Could she start by having a pen pal?

i know a lot of people who have been in similar situations, soo don't worry you're not alone.

[mumeeee]

DD3 16 today was a bit like this a couple of years ago. Although she did catch the bus to school. She started to go to a local Drama club when she was in year 7. It took a bit of time but she is now in the oldest Drama group and has a good set of friends from there.
Is there anything klke this that your DD would be interesated in doing.
Can you speak to the school about her problems@

[MrsSnape]

I didnt realise this thread was still going.

TBH the amount of problems she has is too long to list.

My mum doesnt help, she babies her...she is still washing and brushing her hair for her for instance and she's almost 14.

Aside from the anxiety she has suspected aspergers but their GP is crap and just hurries them out of his office everytime they go in telling her its all down to her weight. She's 13 and a half stone at the moment.

Her grades are not too good either, she has just done her year 9 mock sats and she only got a 3 on her maths, 4c in english etc...although she did get a 6 in RE.

I feel like I have little power over this situation because if anyone says anything my mum gets all defensive and says we're making her out to be stupid.

The school thing is kind of sorted out now, they have agreed to have a teacher meet her and take her there.

She has no friends at school, no hobbies, no interests...nothing. I have suggested swimming lessons, karate, trampolining, piano lessons...she refuses to do anything.

[cory]

It sounds a very difficult situation for you, as you don't really have the power to make decisions for your sister, yet it seems clear that something must be done, the poor girl is suffering. The one thing you can do is be the voice of reason in the family, refuse to be dragged into situations where you blame the outside world (school etc) for things that are really signs of a problem in the family/with your sister.

One person you should feel free to blame though is the GP, he sounds utterly useless. Would it be possible to ask to see another GP in the same surgery, or failing that even change GPs? Or if you can't, could you do a deal with your mum that you go in with your sister and ask for a referral? I think someone really has to chase this up. Social anxiety is crippling and it needs to be dealt with now. A good therapist might be able to work out a longterm programme by which your mum and your sister gradually become more independent of each other (because it does seem like it's a mutual problem). If the therapist is good and experienced it should be possible to do this without too much of the throwing into deep water effect.

I think you have to gently explain to your mum that your sister's development is not normal for her age. Where I live (fairly large town), all 12-yos travel by public transport to get to secondary school, it's just expected. And I can't even imagine my 11yo's reaction if I tried to brush her hair. Tell her that this is not something that your sister will just grow out of. Point out that she is missing out on a lot of fun that other girls her age are having. Try to be as non-accusatory as you can.