my son has nearly left our family

[suninjune]

Hi all,
my 18year old son has got a girl friend since half a year. Since that time he wears black trousers, shirts, shoes...etc. Nothing with color. He changed very much. It's good for him to have a girl friend, but he left us while still living in our house. It is hard to explain. He comes in at 11pm and has to leave for school at 6.30am. I do not know if he really sleeps some hours or only takes a short nap. He looks terrible in the morning.
Now as we reminded him again to search a job - school will be finished in June,2008 and we talk about that since July this year- he told us he has so much to do, just don't know how he should manage that all. We offered help - he does not want it. He told us, he will do, but he has to learn for exams. He stays at his girlfriend home all day. Unfortunatly she lives a one hour drive away - a lot if you don't have a car.
I seems that we have lost him. Does anyone made the same experience? I want to him to search a job. How can I help him? Why doesn't he like any help if he so "stressed"?
Hope you have got some answers, thanks.

[Libra]

Hello SuninJune
My son is not yet as old as yours, but I was wondering if it is not too early to search for a job if he is not leaving school until June.
Would it not be better for him to concentrate on working for his exams at this time so his qualifications are good when the time comes for looking for a job. Alternatively, this is the time to be applying for college or university. Does your son want to go on to further education?

[3littlefrogs]

How well do you know the girlfriend? How did he meet her?

TBH it sounds as if she is not a positive influence.

Are there any other problems or reasons why your son would not want to be at home?

What financial means does he have? How is he paying for his travel?

I can understand your concerns, as this does sound worrying.

To put it in context: my son is 19 and has had several girlfriends - the most recent he has been with for almost a year. She spends a fair amount of time at our house and I have got to know her quite well. I would be concerned if he didn't bring her to meet us. Ds divides his time between being at home, going to college, working and seeing the girlfriend and his other friends.

I think you need to tell your son that you need to sit down and have a chat. Perhaps offer to take him out somewhere?

Could you get him to invite the girlfriend over for a meal?

[mynameisnic]

Is your son doing his A'levels? Why do you want him to get a job?

[mynameisnic]

Are you talking about a Saturday job?

[serenity]

If my parents had been nagging me for as long as your post implys you have, I'd be spending all my time away as well! If he's under stress from studying the last thing he needs is stress from you as well. I can't see any real problems on your OP tbh (and I apologise if I'm misreading the situation, I can only go by what you've written) I think you need to take a step back and let him get on with things. If there are particular issues to do with rent or pulling his weight with chores, then address them individually, but to me, your problems seem to be more that he's growing up and has different ideas on how to live his life than you.

[3littlefrogs]

It was actually the comments about him looking terrible and wearing only black clothes all the time that jumped out at me from your op.

I assumed the you meant a Saturday job, which I think is perfectly reasonable - hence my question about his finances. I pay my son an allowance, but he has had a little part time job all the way through 6th form, to earn money for extras. I think that is quite reasonable.

There is time for him to look for employmet after his ALevels. Is he hoping to go to University? If so he needs to be getting his applications in now.

FWIW, I do think the op sounds really worried about her son, and perhaps there is more to this. I would be sad if my ds never came home except between the hours of 11pm and 6.30 am.

I obviously have a different "take" on what is going on here. It came across to me that the op felt he had undergone a personality change that was more than just wanting a bit of independence.

I could be completely wrong.

Off to work now - long evening shift.

[serenity]

The black clothes and looking terrible just made me laugh and do this a lot, as my MIL could have said exactly the same thing about DH when I started going out with him (first time I met him he was wearing white, jeans, jacket and shoes and a stripey green tie - I was a little bit of a goth, something had to give....... didn't mean I was a bad influence, or we were up to anything terrible, just that he started mixing in different circles iyswim)

I think I am a bit biased with this actually, as the OP really reminds me of my MIL and she was/is very clingy and found it hard to let go in some ways (and she infuriates us, but we still love her )

[iwantacoolchristmasnickname]

suninjune where are you?

you want him to start looking for a job to do after school finishes in June or a holiday job or a Saturday job? Sorry but I'm not clear on this...

All black clothes in plenty of kids is just a fashion - it doesn't necessarily mean they've gone off the rails. Relax a bit, get him to invite the girlfriend over, keep the communication flowing, talk to him about what interests him...even if it's the most boring thing in the world to you!

Hope this helps.

[suninjune]

Hi all,
well, I guess, there is a lot more to explain. We live in Europe, means school is over in June. Ending with grade 12.
So he n e e d s to search a work, a job or anything he could learn. He is searching, yes, looking up, yes, but there is no paper sended per mail, neither by email. It looks as if he is really scared, perhaps bored ... but I can't let him be that way. It is his future. He told me he knows.
By the way he does not like to got to University. On the other hand I would be able to give the money therefor.
Oh, his girl friend. A tiny little girl aged 15. She loves to talk about rats, snails etc. because she has that animals as pets. No matter, I can talk about that but not while eating lunch or dinner!!! She wears totally black too, so my little one (nearly 5) asked her about her grandfather and granny and said "Thought someone has died". Lucky to have him. The second question was about the new piercing under her lip. Going to a restaurant is not possible to me this time. We will stay at home at christmas.
I have always been told you need a lot of special humor when your kids turn into teens. Now I know. That's right. When do they come out of that age? Hope soon.

This girl has to do some housework for her mum but is not able to do a little help over here. Or does it mean to much putting the dishes in the machine? My son told me I am mean against her. She stayed her in our house over night a few times. I hate that.
Well, time goes by, some time I will perhaps like her.

Thanks for the idea "keep on talking". I got up today at 5.45 am to "meet" him. He came down at 6.15 without any hi or hallo, took some bread and something to drink to take with. I asked him if he likes a cup of fresh coffee and the only word I heard was "bus" and off he went. Not angry, just lazy. I wonder if he knows the bathroom in our house.

I'll take a breath and a second and search for more humor to go through this time.
I could laugh at his behaviour ... but school ends in June.
(that's nothing to do with my nick btw)

[suninjune]

Sorry I forgot.
We have to buy a one-year-ticket for the bus (the only way to go to school). This ticket can be used the whole day, each day, 365 day a year. And it is the cheapest.
Seams that things over here are more than a bit different.

[hippipotTEDCHRISTMASTREEami]

Suninjune - let him concentrate on his studies. If he finishes school in June, he must be studying for exams yes?
Let him do what he is doing, and tell him all you ask is that he does well in his exams and tell him you are there for him.
At this age, he needs to do his own thing. All the nagging about a job is not going to make him find one, only turn him away more.

One thing at a time, study for exams, then search for a job.
It does not seem fair to me that he should finish school in June and start a job the next day. He is still a child (if only just) and deserves a few weeks holiday.

[cory]

tbh I would not have been impressed if my parents had expected to pass judgment on my choice of boyfriend when I was a young adult of 18. Like all my friends I moved from home at the age of 18 (not a lot of opportunities where I came from), and after that I counted as grown up. I chose my husband totally on my own, and in another country, at the age of 19 and for various reasons my parents did not get to meet him until 4 years later. It would never have occurred to them that it was their job to make decisions for me once I was grown up (though we are very close and they've always been very kind if I've wanted help).
This is probably a cultural difference. Where I come from, nobody would accept to be treated like a child once they're legally of age.

[suninjune]

Hi Cory,
no that is not treating like a child if a mother wants to help her son.
If you don`t go to the companies during the time from October till January there will be no job. Companies search in this time for the beginning in August or September 2008.
And of course there will be holidays !!!!
The only thing which makes me so sad is I am afraid he will turn away and will do nothing. And destroy his own future by being angry.
Where is the key to get inside his heart to show him he is loved. ??
And thanks, no nagging from me any more.
;-)

[hippipotTEDCHRISTMASTREEami]

suninjune, I am sure he knows he is loved, don't you worry. But I think he is just at an age where relationships seem so important, so consuming, all else fall by the wayside.
How about you invite him and his girlfriend over for dinner, turn the conversation onto his future, and agree to sit down one evenign and write application letters together. Perhaps he is putting it off because he doesnt' know where to start. So offer to do it together?

[cory]

Suninjune, I do appreciate that you want to help him and I wouldn't criticise that for the world. A little prompting about his future makes perfect sense to me; it's what anyone would do for a grown-up friend who seemed not to be thinking ahead.

It's the bit where you seem to talk about how he chooses to dress and where he spends his evenings, as if these were still matters for you to deal with. You can carry on loving somebody without needing to get too involved in these private matters, that's all I meant. I dressed like a hippy when I was 18, all headbands and ragged jeans, but that was my choice. It did not ruin my future (I got a very good degree) and my loving parents refrained from comment- remembering no doubt that they too had considered themselves adults at 18.

Reading through your post again, I might actually go further than you in one respect: gently reminding him that though he is grown-up, his girlfriend is not, and that he needs to take extra care of her because of this; it adds an extra degree of responsibility to his position.

[suninjune]

Hi,
I guess the black clothes are only a sign like "I am not like you"!
To invite his girl friend is not the best idea. Because her parents always allow her to stay overnight. And I (!!!) don`t like that in my house. (OIAMSOAWFULLYOLD) To "talk" with them means to talk about themes which are not used for conversation in front of a 4year old and a 16year old. His girlfriend is only 15 years old, but behaves like an 18years old. She loves to talk about rats, snails or some of that horrible animals. And my son started to talk about that too - unfortunatly at lunch time. I except that teens have their own opinions - but why could they not except that I can have mines too.
We wrote applications together, but he has lost some papers so we could not fix all yesterday. Many papers lay on the bottom of his room some on his bed. He stays - as usual- at his girl friend home over weekend.

For her it is very expensive to come over here because she has no busticket - she does not need it.

I had a telephone talk with her parents yesterday. Over there my son is nice, familiar, helpful... Her mother said he is "her best child". (IDONTUNDERSTANDTHEWORLD) He helps, cooks, make the girls be respecful, explains school homework to the little, repaired the computer and did a lot of things.
Lol, perhaps she should take him - why am I so ... But he is not the only child I have - so I will not change myself. I only start to take several breath before I answer him and I will sleep over before I do anything.

Perhaps I should ask this other mother for help. How does she get him put the dishes into the machine? Or to put of his shoes (wet and dirty) before entering the living room??? I guess I have to learn a lot.
I never had the chance to life an easy live.
I had to work while going through exams and I studied in the evening times when I worked. I never had the chance to say: "Hi future I am here, come and catch me", always had to plan future and to be responsible of myself and others since I was 16.
Perhaps I am jelous???
Thanks for all your replies.

[iwantacoolchristmasnickname]

oh suninjune, be happy that he's a wonderful boy in someone else's house!! at least it shows all your attempts at teaching him have had an effect! One day, probably not until he leaves home, he'll be a gentleman in your house too!

try to relax, he's a pain - but he WILL grow out of it..so in the meantime try to keep your cool

[3littlefrogs]

It is lovely - and very reassuring - that he is helpful and pleasant at his GF's house.

I would take a step back and give him space.

He will come back to you when he is a little older. Don't nag and don't pressurise him. Just keep telling him you love him.

I have to say, I understand your feelings about his GF staying over, but he is 18 and presumably her parents are ok with it. However, if I understand correctly, you have a younger child of 4, so I feel your ds is being considerate by staying at GF's house and not expecting her to stay at yours.

[hippipotTEDCHRISTMASTREEami]

But teenagers are always more respectful in someone else's house. Don't forget, he wants to impress his gf's mother. He nows you love him unconditionally so he feels comfortable 'slobbing out' at home.
As for the gf talking about rats and snails, she sounds great! I would rather talk about rats and snails than pop music, celebrities and make up!!