15 year old DS1 been drinking and fighting in local park - help!

[localgirl]

He's always been a homebody, never really been out much till this summer, now he has got in with some boys at school who go to the park on friday nights and drink - I don't know where the drink comes from but need advice please on how to make him see this is going nowhere behaviour - never had much problem with him before so struggling with how to discipline him. I only found out about the drinking after the first fighting incident and he said he wouldn't do it again. He denies it but I know he is still doing it. I suppose I could stop him going out but he does only go out once a week, till 9.30 and I collect him. His school work is good and otherwise no problems - how do I nip this in the bud?

[Wisteria]

Ground him.

[Wisteria]

If you don't want to ground then take everything he loves away from him until he packs it in.

If the police find them they can now film it and show parents the tapes too...They will experiment with drink at that age (it is natural, like it or not)but it is about finding a happy medium - my dd is allowed a drink or two at home/ party etc as long as there are parents there but she knows she would be shot at dawn if I found her drinking in the park etc. I've told her some really horrid stories about stomach pumping as well.

[localgirl]

Problem is I found out about the once (he admitted to)which was about a month ago but since then over the last two weeks I have been suspisious (He smells strange when he gets in the car) but when I challenged him he denies it flatly. Don't know how to prove it and wary of calling him liar at this stage. How to proceed?

[ClaphamLauren]

Stop giving him any money. Teenagers aren't known for generosity and his friends will stop giving him alcohol if he isn't chipping in!

[localgirl]

Wisteria, I agree about the drinking at home thing, the funny thing is we offer him some wine or shandy at home, and he won't have any here (unlike DS2 , 12, who loves to have a small amount with us at meals. Weve never banned it at home, and can't believe he now drinks in a park like an old tramp! (sorry to any old tramps out there!!)

[Wisteria]

oh difficult then.... not sure really unless you get a breathalyser!

It is a natural progression so I suppose you don't have any choice other than to arm him with the facts and a few scare stories and then let him make his mistakes....

What do you mean by 'strange', you are sure it's alcohol and nothing else?

I call my daughter's bluff when I think she's lying and say - so and so phoned and said they'd seen you drinking, what was it? Deceptive I know but it seems to work!

[Wisteria]

My dd doesn't really like alcohol either and often refuses at home, but it's peer pressure, she told me she fooled her friends the other night by topping up with lemonade and telling them it was Lambrini (eeeww)

[localgirl]

Do you know CL, amazing I hadn't twigged that, I have been giving him a £5 to get his tea out and a drink (me thinking water or juice (hmm). THis is the only money I give him all week so I suppose he is using this. It just never occurred to me (blush) that he would be spending it on drink! I ask him what he has had to eat, he says chinese or whaterver, but I bet he is having £1 chips and then £4 is enough to chip in with a group I suppose for booze!. Co incidentally I read today in papers that supermarkets are selling it so cheap now you can get drunk for £1 so in a way, there's the first bit of my problem unravelled

[Wisteria]

Hint

Count your booze bottles when you've done that.... my friend's ds started siphoning off bits of vodka and cans of lager when she docked his money! they're crafty these young 'uns you know

[localgirl]

Wisteria - good idea! I was thinking how I could catch him out - hadn't thought of that - so simple I missed it. Think will give him little fright, saying someone has told me what he is up to - he is with a fairly big crowd so he wouldn't really know who it might be! When I say strange, it is like a sort of metallic smell, as soon as he gets in the car I can smell it, but not strong enough to be sure iyswim he doesn't seem drunk or anything its more of a gut feeling (and the smell) - have always had good relationship with him and not used to him lying or having to resort to this . Also it is reassuring to know it is part of growing up - I suppose I'll know better with DS2!

[ClaphamLauren]

I used to spend my lunch money on cigarettes and then pretend to go to the cinema to get money on a Friday or Saturday night to go to the park and drink!

I was a completely horrid teenager! Your DS probably doesn't care about eating and cider, tesco value vodka etc is SO cheap (my student friends will spend a tenner on alcohol between four of them and be wasted!!!). However, I know from experience that teenagers don't like to share and if he is sober I would imagine he will be less likely to fight as he will see it for the stupid move it is. Certainly worth a try anyway!

[localgirl]

Think he will be getting tea at home on fridays from now on. and he can take a bottle of water/juice with him.

[Wisteria]

the metallic smell is because he's sucking copper coins, it supposedly negates the smell of fags! We used to do it, have no idea if it works though - maybe they're doing it for alcohol!!

[Wisteria]

Lauren - I did all that too

[localgirl]

Just for info - any point in just banning him from going out at all ever? (on grounds that if hes not out he can;t drink? Or would he just be so resentful of me? In so many ways he is alright with everything else. I don;t want to make him resentful of me and yet I am so scared of the consequences of what he doing we have discussed them and he agrees with everything I say (and then does the opposite) aarrh

[localgirl]

sucking copper coins - urgh that one passed me by in my youth - sounds worse for your health than the drink - didn't they used to say you could get canker from sucking coins? What is canker anyway??

[Wisteria]

Canker is a lesser known disease that affects all children aged 13 for about 3-5 years, symptoms include shortness of temper, door slamming and knowing that they are right, all the time.

[Wisteria]

If you ban him for ever, he will mutate into a proper teenager and you will rue the day you opened your legs and admitted him into this world , sorry for vulgarity of comment....

[localgirl]

rofl Wisteria - you sound experienced - good to know I don't suffer alone. Been looking on internet and have found all sorts of home alchol testing kits - wonder if DS1 would like to know I can find him out just by saliva test paper (apparently it turns the paper green if alchol in it) It all feels a bit threatening though - do I just wait for him to grow out of it and put up with it? (I hate the lies)

[localgirl]

thanks for advice and moral support folks - off to do tea

[Wisteria]

Don't know; not experienced other than I was a PITA teenager (because my parents were too strict).

It's a difficult time for all of us, but I am thinking let him get on with it tbh, you will know if he's drunk (I promise) and that's when it's time to get heavy. He may be doing what my dd does; have a bit to save face but not go too far.

It's harder to be the teenager, that's what I have to keep reminding myself!

[Madlentileater]

just a thought- I read in the paper (and it seemed authoratitive at the time) thatthe teenagers who are least likely to problem drink are those who BOTH are 'encouraged' to drink at home (in moderation, naturally) and have very little disposable income.
seemed to make sense to me.
True that they will all experiment- and will probably all go too far occassionaly- just hope they retain the sense not to mix it with cars or sex.

[Wisteria]

My daughter should be spot on then with that!!