Is she being picked on?

[horsygirl]

Please help, I'm really worried. My dd is almost 13 and an only child. She has some good friends, two really long standing good friends from primary school and seems to be doing ok at school. She's in the top sets for everything apart from maths, where she asked to be put down a set as she struggled with it.

My problem is this: she is a very 'grown up' girl, a lot of which is a result of being around adults so much, but also she has had a lot of trauma and loss in her life. Her grandfather sexually assaulted her many times over 6 years ago. When it came out we went to the police, there was a trial, and her grandfather went to prison. (This is my ex's father). She was so brave but he robbed her of a peice of childhood, and i am very paranoid about her welfare as a result. I am also aware that her experiences may, or may not, have made her feel 'different'.

In primary school she used to complain that she and her friends were the 'geeks', being top at everything but not trendy or glamorous. There was a bitchy group of kids, they got on the msn and made fun of her calling her 'horse face' (she's got a pony, probably a bit jealous) etc. I put a stop to that then by going in and having a word with the teacher, but last night her and her friends were trick or treating, me and my dh were hanging back with the dogs watching, and i saw a large pack of them come round the corner, also trick or treating. One of them said - hey there's and made to cross the road. They then stopped as another said, no, don't, her mum's there!..

My dd didn't see any of this, but i was gripped with cold fear. what was the child going to do or say to my dd? I think it was the same bitchy crowd as primary school, it had just got bigger. A gang.

She walks to school with her two friends and I'm really worried. I always quiz her about school and she says everything's fine, But I wonder how much she would tell me because last time she did I went into school, perhaps making things worse for her.

I'm really concerned. Sorry for rambling

[colditz]

I would go into the school without talking to her, and explain to her teacher what youhave experianced witghthe gang of girls. I'm sure they will be in a position to observe discretely.

And NOBODY would ever blame you for being over [protective.

[GrumpyOldHearsewoman]

Agree with colditz - nobody needs to know you went in to see the teacher, and it may just be to alert the teacher as to what may be happening, and an extra pair of eyes may spot something amiss in the classroom.

Girls of this age are bitchy towards each other - I experienced it as a girl, and again I was one whose family had a bit of money, we had homes abroad and horses so I was fair game to them. I would never say I was bullied, though. It's plain old fashioned cattiness, and it is possible to rise above it. It may be upsetting at the time, and sometimes you do feel as though you are being picked on by certain others, but it is not necessarily bullying. As much as we want to protect our children, they will always come up against people who would be best avoided, and must learn to deal with that in their own way. Keep an eye out, and you will soon know if it's just girls bitching, or something nastier.

[horsygirl]

Hmm, yes. Sometimes I wonder if I don't give her enough credit. She certainly doesn't seem like a wallflower when I observe her with her friends chatting etc.

[colditz]

I was part of the geeky group - and there were indeed big gangs of bitchy sheep roaming around.

They are still roaming around. I went out with an old school friend a few weeks ago, and one of the old bitchy sheep was in the pub toilet, gobbing off as usual, "what you ####### staring at?"

had to double check I was in my black v neck top, because for a moment I thought I was wearing a white pique t shirt and red school logo jumper.

She hasn't grown up at all, she still sees confilct where there is none, and solves genuine conflict with fighting and swearing ... your daughter, having dealt with morons like this, instead of being one of them, with grow up to be a fair and probably articulate young woman.

It is part of school life - doesn't mean she should put up with it! well done to you for making a stand for your daughter - but please don't worry that they will crush her, because I am sure she is more resiliant than you would believe.

I hope that made sense and gave you some small comfort.

[horsygirl]

''had to double check I was in my black v neck top, because for a moment I thought I was wearing a white pique t shirt and red school logo jumper.''

PMSL

[horsygirl]

Thank you GOH and colditz yes that does offer me comfort.

What would you say to the teacher?

[colditz]

I wouold tell her what you experienced, with the girls saying "No don't, her mum's there."I would ask the teacher to watch to see if your daughter is being picked on - ask her to keep your daughter in her radar for a week or so. If she is well behaved and quiet at school, she may not come to the teacher's attention very often - so just point out that this weeek she needs a little extra attention.

[horsygirl]

Yes I'll do that, thanks.