question aboutg my brother in law (17)

[suiledonn]

Hi, my bil is 17. He is in final year at school and all going well hopes to go to university next year. He is a very quite, shy boy and doesn't seem to have any close friends at the moment.
There is a big age gap between him and his older siblings and his mother still treats him like a child. Because of this he seems to have very little self confidence. Recently his mother told me that she is going on a bus tour next year with her sister. Then she said bil would be going too! I had a look at the company mentioned and it is aimed at older people. I can't believe she wants bil to go or that he would enjoy a week on a bus with older people looking at homes and gardens. If he was my brother I would have said something straight away but being diplomatic I asked dh to talk to his brother. He told him that he didn't have to go unless he wanted to and that he (dh) would speak to their mum about it. Bil didn't really say anything so now we don't know what to do. Should I or dh speak to mil or let bil stand up for himself?
Also am I being unreasonable to assume he wouldn't want to go? Apart from being very quite he seems like a normal teenager - likes football, video games, dvds etc.
What would you do?

[suiledonn]

anyone???

[MotherFunk]

Message withdrawn

[Twiga]

Ummm, sounds like most 17 yr old lads idea of a nightmare! Will the trip happen after he's started at uni because I think that might be a great leveller and actually solve the prob (if indeed it is a prob) before it occurs i.e he may well gain confidence from being away from home at uni, meet some great mates and go off interrailing or some other student type hol with his friends instead. Seriously though it might be nice if your dh had a chat - prob more diplomatic coming from him. Maybe suggest an alternative at the same time - would he enjoy going away with his brother/dad to do some boy type stuff while his mum was away, maybe take a friend. Hope it works out.

[suiledonn]

Hi, the trip would be in the summer before he starts uni. I just worry that he is already quite introverted and this might just make him worse. His parents split up when he was 12 and he doesn't have a lot of contact with his dad. My dh is his oldest brother - 15 years older so although they see each other and get on fine it is very superficial. I hate the way his mother treats him - she answers for him and makes decisions for him without asking his opinion. She wants him to go to uni locally for 'financial' reasons but I am campaigning to let go a bit further afield. I think he needs to make a break from her although I know it will be difficult for both of them at first. His brothers, my dh included, are very different from him, very outgoing.

[CadaverousCorpulentCarmenere]

Oh the poor kid. I would be tempted to stick my oar in and stir abit. Like why don't you ask him to do some work on your house the week of the 'holiday'(it sounds grim). Get a room painted and pay him nominally but get him to stay with you.
will he not be working to make money for university anyway?

[juuule]

I don't think the trip would do him any harm at all. You've given him an opportunity to back out if he wanted to. It sounds as though he's not bothered. Maybe he's interested in going. Not all 17yo are the same. Being a 17yo male doesn't mean you can only be interested in a narrow range of things or behave in a certain way. If he finds he doesn't like it then he won't do it again will he?
Also agree with Twiga, once he starts at university things will change for him anyway. It certainly did for my ds.
I'd leave him alone and let him do what he wants to do without putting any pressure on him to do something else. Your dh has already told him he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to.

[suiledonn]

Thanks for all the replies. I'm going to discuss it with dh again and see what he thinks. They won't be booling it for a while yet.

Asking him to help us out here is a good idea and I know his mum worries about money so that might work. Thanks carmenere

juuule - I think if you knew the boy you would understand my concerns more. I know not all teenage boys are interested in the same things but really do you know any 17 year old who would enjoy a week on a bus with two 50-something year old women? He went abroad with his mother and aunts last year and I didn't have any worries about that. I'm sure it was exciting for him his first time abroad, first time on a plane then plenty of fresh air, good food and sunshine and the opportunity to spend time away from them if he wanted but I can't see how he could enjoy the bus tour.

The problem is that he has no self confidence and has never been given a chance to make a decision for himself.

[ladymac]

I think you should push your dh to get more involved with his younger brother - invite him over, take him to a football match, play computer games etc. The more time they spend together, the more likely it is that little brother might open up to him a bit and start talking about how he feels.

You need to get him away from his obviously well-meaning but over-protective mother in order to find out how he really feels about the trip.

It does sound like she is clinging to the last remaining 'man of the house'.

[themoon66]

I know a 36 year old male who still goes on these kind of things with his mother

Offer your DBiL an alternative.

[jesuswhatnext]

stick your oar in! my db is 14 y younger than me, we have great fun! going out this sat in fact on a pub crawl, poss he just needs his bros to take a stand on his behalf!

[juuule]

It's true, you know the boy more than me and most likely a lot of others on this thread. I think you have already decided what you think he needs and really wanted people to support your decision.
I do agree that it would benefit him to go to not live at home once he goes to university.

[reviewer]

The bus tour will only be one week out of his summer. Organise other stuff in addition. He can then compare and contrast and make his own, grown up decision about future holidays.
Have you discussed the idea of a gap year so he can mature and cut the apron strings before Uni?