Who can I turn too? Where do I go?

[OurEm]

Let me start with a short history lesson. Back in 2002 i divorced an abusive, violent and adultering husband. Unfortunately we had 3 beautiful girls together. I thought i'd never get my life back on track when I met a "1 in a million" man. He helped me and the girls through some really tough emotional times. So we decided to marry and we are very happy together. We do all we can to ensure the girls are emotionally balanced, cared for clotheed, fed and watered. The girls have had contact with their Father fortnightly and each time they come back from him they have been difficult to control. Then puberty came along, DD1 was the first and with her it seemed to be difficult but manageable, DD2 this one has just started puberty and this is where things went so very wrong. This Sunday (21 Oct 07) we received a call from the girls father stating that DD2 no longer wishes to reside with us and has remained with her father. I am completely heart broken and do not know which way to turn, my Husband says that she will return in good time and of her own accord. I can not see the wood for the trees at this moment, Does any know if there is a legal route I can go down to get her home? Any support groups in the Flintshire area? In fact any support groups any where?

[Freckle]

Do you have a residency order in relation to all 3 dds? If so, your ex is in breach of that by refusing to bring the child home. You need to speak to him and tell him she is to be brought home immediately. If he refuses, then you will need to see a solicitor to discuss applying to the court.

[OurEm]

Unfortunatley we don't, we have shared responsibility as he was not a threat to them. I have actively encouraged them seeing their Father, this may have been my first mistake.

[OurEm]

He enjoys playing Tit-For-tat games and we believe that this was pre-meditated, we are seeking advice from the school, social services and a solicitor today. As it only happened yesterday we are still reeling from the shock.

[dolally]

so sorry to hear this em. How old is she? Try not to panic. Has she told you herself she doesn't want to live at home? Or has it come from her father?

Perhaps she is confused. Contact her and tell her you all love her and want her home but if she really wants to try living with her dad you will always be here for her.

Possibly your dh is right, she will return when the rose-coloured specs come off.

[elescarybells]

ourem. you must be heartbroken, teenagers are a different species. sometimes it feels like they are determined to cause as much grief as possible to all of those around them - especially their mums!

i agree with your dh - she will come back to you. at the moment she thinks she knows it all and of course the grass is always greener ect...

think about it, she only stays with her dad once every two weeks so the time that she spends with him is always good fun to her. he probably spoils her and she thinks this will be the norm if she lives with him - trust me it won't! there will come a time where she realises there are rules at his house too and daddy cannot spoil her 24 hours and she will miss 'home'.

just bide your time, dont make a scene, let her learn for herself. you sound like a caring mother and in time she will find that out all on her own.

good luck

[FloridaKbear]

Just to add what others have said, take some deep breaths and step back a minute. Don't panic. The rosy of glow of being at Dad's will wear off very soon and she will want her own bedroom and be near her mates etc. I would call her and say "ok darling, if that is what you want you stay" and be totally supportive. Then just mention a few nice things you are doing with the other girls as a family and then say you are always here etc etc. Then hang up.

It's like dealing with toddlers I imagine, a bit of reverse psycology (sp?) might just work!

It must be hell at the moment (as a mother the rejection must be unbearable and I sympathise entirely) but you sound like you have a great DH and a stable family and you'll get through this and we could even take bets on how many days til she's home!

[OurEm]

Thank you so much for your messages, i have just got back from seing a solicitor, social services and her school. And although there is nothing legally i can do, i feel i have done all i can so to speak.
I am so heartboken, but will take your many kind words and hold them and try my best to take heed of what you say, that the grass wont be greener over there, and she will realise her mistake.
It is so painfull at the momnet, we were.. i thought such a happy stable family.. but as you say, teenagers will be teenagers and i just have to sit back and wait i suppose.
many thanks agin.xxx

[jesuswhatnext]

oh sweetie!!!

i go with all the others, give her time! and exdh! show her all the love you can, remind (gently) what she is missing, sister, friends, school rest of family etc.

unless exdh is a 'new man' he will fuck up real soon!! no dinner on the table, she will have to do her own washing etc, in fact, he may be looking for a housekeeper! boy, does he a a lesson to learn if he is expecting a dd to become one!

hang on in there!! she WILL be back

[dolally]

it's true what jesus says, em. Hang on in there!