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Teenagers

Help me please, ds i s14......

14 replies

Klaw · 21/10/2007 19:30

and recently came back to live with me after living with his dad for about 5 years.

I have dd (28 months) and a new partner, we are totally skint as have two mortgages to pay while we do up my old flat to sell, dp works all the hours god sends so I'm alone with the kids basically.

the kids have to share a bedroom.

Ds gets out to play with other local kids loads as we live in tiny village with play park, old railway line and fields literally on doorstep.

Tonight I tld him tea would be ready in 30 mins as he disappeared out, again. He rolls up as I'm putting peas in microwave. He grumbles and disappears again, I shout out after him that he needs to return right now, I need him to set table as I need to see to dd who wanted to go to the toilet.

So anyway, he doesn't come back, dd has accident with the potty and I set table and tidy general chaos.

When he gets back I tell him this (grumpily) and advise him that he is grounded for two days. I am not gracious about putting plates on table, peas spill....

Cat is mewing at door as we finish eating and I think he is going to let him in but then he disappears out. I had warned him that he would be grounded for longer if he complained about original grounding so how long do you think he should have it extended by and how on earth do I enforce it?

What on earth do you do with a 14year old male? I don't understand them, did not grow up with men in the family and feel totally lost.

Will call exdh later to discuss.

Ds doesn't know how lucky he is, I don't make him do loads of chores and we frequently have discussion about his filling and emptying dishwasher, I do not expect to have to tell him when to do it as it is his designated chore but he very often says I haven't asked him.

I need to be stricter, while still being fair... and consistent.

But am fed up as am basically alone with him, as I was when exdh was with me, when we'd split and now again as dp is alwasy working.

I want to run away

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Lulumama · 21/10/2007 19:32

oh honey

have no advice as mine are little , but you sound worn out and frustrated.

with him recently coming back to live with you, there are bound to be teething problems.. can you not sell your flat now ? or is the work absolutely necessary

sounds like you are all miserable and alone

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Lulumama · 21/10/2007 19:34

you need custy on this thread..

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RoyKinnear · 21/10/2007 19:40

klaw i do not understand this emtion so be patient with me

I do however sympathise with the situation
having boys is new to me also as i grew up with girls
ds1 is 15 and a stroppy so and so - which is par for the course .He knows at the end of the day that i am the boss of our house and what i say goes. if he over steps the mark - he knows it.
You need to regain your confidence in that role.YOU are the afult - you tell HIM how it is.
end of
sometimes when i feel bullied by my children and like they are telling me how it is - i rein in and re assert my authority. this happens frequently but does pay dividends in that every one knows their place. sounds authoritarisn but that is what parenting is about. I lead - they follow. End of.

I hope thngs get better for you.How is ds for ex dp?

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Klaw · 21/10/2007 19:47

Oh thanks Lulu!

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oreGOREnianabroad · 21/10/2007 20:51

Poor you, Klaw.


Just a suggestion: couldn't ds be semi-forced to help you as 'punishment' -- I'd have loved doing some DIY when I was 14, and it'll give you two some time together, working on something.

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Tortington · 21/10/2007 23:20

you just have a lot on your plate - if your dp wants best price for it - then shouldnt he do something?

your skint, tired, pissed off and have to get to know your son again. not a good combination.

of course if flat just needs a tidy up - it would seem quite sensible

but if theres no one to do it - then its not really sensible at all

your dp cannot expect you to do the flat with stroppy 14 yo and a baby ffs. you should firmly tell dp that you have completely has enough of this shit - either he sorts it out in the next week or the estate agents are coming in.

whether that be - e takes annual leave from work, pulls a sickie or gets his best mate from sodding finland over - not your problem. make him sort it. his problem. you have enough on your plate sorting out the kids and making your son feel like he is loved and welcomed in his new home

ROUTINE

i swear pretend he is three.

write a routine of chores
monday empty dishwasher and fill it after tea and turn it on with one tablet in
( you must be specfic they are pedantic little shits)
tuesday clean kitchen sides with jif spray lift up toaster and clean underneath.

etc

leave sat & sun

if you want you can give money for chores.

a lot of people are against this thinking that kids should help out - but i have come to the conclusion that a tenner a week for set chores after school - to fund their social life - is actually cheaper than continually forking out for train fairs, friends birthday presents etc. it works for me - an idea. - but - if they only do monday tuesday and think "i cant be fucked with this" wed thurs fri - tough shit my friend. and theres no " i'll do it all today " ( sat, cos friend rang up and they need train fai to get to town) OHHH NO.

make tea at same time each night if poss

say 6pm

my 14yo's come in when the street lights come on outisde

this serves two purposes

the time doesn't matter and " i don't have a watch/ don't know what time it is" shit doesn't fly.

this serves me in the winter nights as the time changes as to how dark it gets - week by week.

i dont like my 14 yo's being out in the dark unless at someones house.


find some time alone with him - stick your baby in bed. get chocolate, ice cream and some boy vid like ..erm....something completely inappropriate 18 rated gangster shoot fuck out of people and swear a lot film.
make popcorn - always good for a laugh.

and make fri night - your night together.

pleaseeeeeeeeee make one night a week just for him.

make him feel useful - with lots of " thanks for carrying shopping - couldn't have anaged without you." or " thanks for looking after baby in supermarket - she loves you - i dont know how you do it - your a natural"

you know. just fling them compliments about.

what you dont want to do is get yourself into a situationw here it becomes a battle. where your spendingtime thinking up bigger and better punishments - cos it is so easily done - this battle of wills.

show him your not an up tight anal mum do things that a 3 year old would find funny - fart and blame the dog ... boys like that kind of thing.

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jalopy · 22/10/2007 09:00

Brill advice, Custy.

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elescarybells · 22/10/2007 09:14

custy

sriously, you should write a book on how to handle a teenager. fantastic, down to earth approach (again) which is both common sense and bloody funny!

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XcupcakemummyX · 22/10/2007 09:16

tons of luck klaw


you have had some great advice here
I hope the flat sells

Call out an estate agent and weigh up the difference in price for now and a finished
one

maybe even look into renting it out for a regular income

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Klaw · 23/10/2007 18:24

Custy, don't think we've properly met before, Hi!

Right, Dp goes to flat and works after he has already done a full day, or else works till really late at his current job. He is self employed doing all sorts, he doesn't advertise, he gets all his work from word of mouth and he's fully booked. Although I keep telling him to quadruple the time he thinks the job will take and then extimate accordingly as it always takes longer... so he is pulling his weight.

Ds is trying my patience to the point of rage! He does not accept my punishments, and when I said to him to come with me on Sat, to get a little shopping and also to take him to get clothes he needs, he refused point blank. Today I aksed him to come with me as he said he needs a calculator and I want to be sure I get one he's happy with (as with the clothes) and I need his help with dd while getting more bread etc. He refused. I lost the plot completely. I was enraged. He is grounded but still left the house last night. Bright move, now the grounding will be extended, duh! It was only for two days, it's not like it was unreasonable!

I NEED a drink and someone to talk to. I'm always alone, I'm fed up.

sorry about this, i just need to vent...

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XcupcakemummyX · 23/10/2007 18:35

hands klaw a big drink

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Klaw · 23/10/2007 19:26

He's just snuck out the F'ing window!

He asked to go out, I said no he's grounded till tomorrow, saw him putting shoes on so locked door.

What on earth am I supposed to do?

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Tortington · 24/10/2007 11:30

sorry didn't get backt o you before. lockt he door my motto in this house is " my friend you can always leave, tis the getting back in thats the bastard"

my son has slept in shed afore now.

dont lock him in - lock him out.

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jesuswhatnext · 24/10/2007 16:33

i go with custy!!! let the little sod get cold, hungrey and dirty, he'll soon need mummmy to let him in - negotiate expected future behaviour through the letter box, i reckon it will focus his mind!

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