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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

angry 17 year old wants to leave home

16 replies

wornoutbyarguing · 19/10/2007 18:24

hi all this is my first post.
my 17 year old son has never accepted my husband properly.we have been together for 7 years and have 2 girls now aged 4 and 5.
for the last 3 months life with g has been hell he picks constant fights with us over every little thing.calls my husband every name he can think of if he cant use the phone straight away .he is really nasty to his sisters.etc etc.
my hubby has benn really good to him taken him on as his own warts and all,gives him money ,picks him up from all his social events.
I told him he would have to move out if this carried on and tried really hard for us all to compromise so g wouldnt be so miserable ,its like treading on eggshells.
I know hes jealous of the little ones nad never knew his dad but hubby has treated him really well.
g went to stay with his grandmother a few months ago for a week and treated them the same ,she said I had spoilt him and given him too much just because his real dad wasnt around and I know think he is right.
he wants to move out now but I dont want him leaving us on bad terms,I feel so caught up in the middle its hard to know what to do.I have done my best to talk to him and listen to his feelings and see things from his point of view
does anyone have any advice ,should I let him stand on his own 2 feet or be making him stay,
thank you any advice would be sooo welcome....

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Elasticwoman · 19/10/2007 18:31

Poor you, sounds like you're in a really difficult situation. Is ds in work, training, education? If he were to leave home, where would he go and how would he pay his way?

wornoutbyarguing · 19/10/2007 18:34

hi thank you.he is at college doing a btech for 2 years ,has just started a partime job and gets a private income from my mum and aunt ema so hes not too hard up,we give him money too ,he could in reality afford to live in a shared house or student digs.

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TwigorTreat · 19/10/2007 18:36

I'd let him move out and tell him that he'll always have a home with you and you love him

and help him make the transition

making it on your own is a lifestep and only then will you start to realise all the little things that home is that you never noticed before

Tortington · 19/10/2007 18:37

i would insist private income goes into a bank account to help him with a mortgage when he does move out - i would hope your mum and aunt em would agree with this considering your mum thinks he is spoiled.

you could do same with your money.

hes your resonsability until he is 18 - i would say no.

at 17 what are you going to do? party, drugs, beer sex, basically this is a cocktailfor a great fuck up

you could be a granny in 6 months.

he stays until you cant stop him.

take the fucking moey away - i think its stupid allowing teenagers moneyt hey havent earned where the fuck do they think it comes from when they enter real life? the money tree?

themoon66 · 19/10/2007 18:39

Definitely let him go. He can go into shared house with other students. It will do him good. DD went when doing BTech at age 17 and it did her the world of good. Changed her for the better.

TwigorTreat · 19/10/2007 18:39

I bow to custy's better judgement

and echo what she says

without the foul language of course

for I am a laydeeeeeee

Elasticwoman · 19/10/2007 18:40

It would be nice if you could get him to stay till he is 18. Would that be a very long time?

Why do you give him money if he is rude to your or dh? You are presumably feeding and housing him for nothing. Couldn't you make your financial contribution dependant on his abiding by your rules in your house?

And re the phone; do you mean to say he doesn't have a mobile?

Does he understand how much less money he would have to play with if he lived out?

Elasticwoman · 19/10/2007 18:41

Yes i agree with Custy too.

Crocky · 19/10/2007 18:42

I usually agree with all Custy says but I left home at 17 and didn't do any of that stuff.
(Well not at the age of 17. When I hit 24 was an entirely different matter).

wornoutbyarguing · 19/10/2007 18:46

I am definately a doormat for spoilt b**t
my friends and family have been telling me this for years and its great to get some frank comments.
will be mulling all these over thank you sometimes its a huge releif to get it all off your chest.......

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Lauriefairycake · 19/10/2007 18:51

I don't think 17 is too young (I started uni at 17)to make the transition - he's clearly having a hard time. I would help him do it and be really positive about it and let him know that he always has you.

All of the above only applies if he stays going to his job and his 'private income' isn't enough to snort

My cousin did this (and my aunt is lovely) - and their relationship got a ton better - she's now moved back in aged 21.

And if it's not patronising - the Doctor Phil book Family First is fantastic about teenagers.

His behaviour is horrible by the way.

Tortington · 19/10/2007 18:51

i was raising a family at 17 so i wasn't either, but i think its naive to think that a 17 who has been causing grief is going to move into student digs - and not get shitfaced, stoned and do a bit of coke now and again - MAY lead to BTEC fuckup and twins by 16 yo g/f
as a mum its my job to make a functioning adult - therefore in that situation i would makesure as far as poss i could make him finish BTEC

Lauriefairycake · 19/10/2007 18:57

Yep, and he might need to be a fuck-up for a while.

I'm quite sure you're right and he's going to get stoned etc.

In weighing this up I was thinking more about a positive environment for her girls and husband - and trusting that with support away from the family he might appreciate what he has more.

wornoutbyarguing · 19/10/2007 19:35

I moved out at 16 because I didnt get on with my mum ,worked and studied ,then at 18 did my nurse training,
living on my own did make me stronger and grow up quicker .of course I did drink and do pot now and then but couldnt afford to do much as I had to learn the value of money pretty quick...
lauriefairycake you definately mentioned one important thing the atmosphere in the house is really upsetting the little ones.I have trouble sleeping as I worry that my son will come in and start rowing with my husband ,then we me hubby argue .my poor neighbours must think we row all the time.
my gp gave me anti depressants to help me cope as I am tears most of the time.

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OrmIrian · 19/10/2007 19:40

Poor you wornout .

No advice as I haven't dealt with teenagers yet although 10yr old DS#1 gives us a trial run every now and again. It must be sooo hard to have to deal with such a stroppy difficult person that is also someone you love.

wornoutbyarguing · 22/10/2007 16:18

ds has decided to sign a good behaviour contract we drew up and wants to stay living with us.
the reality of paying for himself in a crap bedsit has sunk in after visiting some this weekend.

his money from family will go into savings and he will work and claim ema while at college.

both oh and ds were nice to each other for whole of evening and ds has been told money,phone ,tv and computer will be taken away and he will be grounded 17 or not.
slept like the dead last nite .
he has actually been pleasant all day here and I printed out all the comments on here and told him to read,he was really shocked that his bad ass attitude is now public knowledge.
big hugs to all the people who took time out for giving me advice xx

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