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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Bullying daughter

103 replies

doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 10:37

I have namechanged.

I have just had a phone call from my dh who has been phoned by the headmaster.

My teenage sixthformer dd and a friend have been accused of making another girls life hell. She handed a note in today from my dd and her friend and it said basically 'you are dead this evening, bitch'.

I am shocked and horrified.

I know that there are problems in the class - that there are two distinct groups of girls and my dd is in the 'I'm so popular and so cool it hurts' group. I have talked to her and her friends having heard them talk and bitch about the other girls and 'how much they hate them'. I was shocked at the depth of nastiness and deep feeling and told them in no uncertain terms that 'there for the grace of god go I' and that they should be kinder and if they cannot bear the other girls they should just bloody well leave them alone.

I have heard my dd gossiping on the phone about this and talked to her afterwards - her supercilious attitude (she has been offered a cleaning job for pocket money by a neighbour and turned it down because she is too good to be anybodies cleaner; she sneered at my new pjs because they came from matalan) is unbearable and she and her friends think that they are just the bees knees.

What do I do? I will have to talk to her, obviously, but holy cow. I cannot beleive a child of mine is behaving like this. I am ashamed and angry.

The headmaster said he may well take it further (police,) and if it was my child being bullied I would be all for it. Perhaps she needs a short sharp shock.

She is too old for a bloody good hiding or stopping pocket money (can do this but will not hurt as has money in bank).

I can take away her mobile or laptop but it all seems so petty.

I want to shake her till her teeth rattle to make her see sense.

Reading the last comment makes me think that I sound like an evil cruel corporal punishment (thus learned behaviour) mother. NOt at all. Am just at complete loss.

Ideas please.

OP posts:

Report

doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 10:41

.

OP posts:

EllieG · 19/10/2007 10:42

Tough one. Personally, I would encourage them to contact the police to emphasise to her that this is a serious matter - not just bitching, but threatening and intimidating behaviour which is against the law. She sounds like she needs some proper consequences.

What does her Dad think?

Hope you are OK x

claricebeansmum · 19/10/2007 10:42

I think you need to consider grounding her big time and get her away from the girls that she is hanging about with as much as possible.

She needs to apologise properly to those who she has hurt. Somehow you have to get her to see how unacceptable her behaviour is to those around her - including you, dh and the rest of the family.

This is a horrible situation to be in - when your children let you down like this it is gutting.

ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads · 19/10/2007 10:43

Oh DMWIM, poor you. She obviously isn't getting this from you.

If this was at DS's school, a sixth former would probably be asked to leave after such behaviour as, generally, they are expected to set an example to the rest of the school.

How is your relationship with her generally? How does she respond to your comments about her attitide towards others? I wouldn't worry about the Matalan thing.. but I would worry a whole lot about the way she seems to be looking down on others.

I agree about the confiscating thing not being a good idea. She will just respond with resentment and anger. She needs to be shown how her treatment of others affects them in a way she can't ignore and be made to see that all people matter regardless of what they wear and how they look. I',m sure she knows this already actually but she is all caught up in her "cool" image. I can't think how to do this, off the top of my head. It's a difficult one.

Custy and others may know!

doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 10:47

I am going to take away her mobile and her laptop - they are her lifelines - she does not deserve them. And she is grounded.

My dh wants to contact the bullied girls parents and talk to them, which is a good idea, I think. Apparently she has been having trouble sleeping and is tearful and v v miserable

We are also going to contact the other girls parents - who is with my dd in all this.

I am meant to be going out to lunch, out to dinner this evening, we have other kids over for a sleep over this weeked (a sibling, not her) and a dinner party here tomorrow night.

All just brillinat with this going on.

Little cow! even if she is my own dd, how could she do this?

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jalopy · 19/10/2007 10:50

What's her dad's attitude to all this?

jalopy · 19/10/2007 10:51

Oops, just re-read your last message.

NotQuiteCockney · 19/10/2007 10:52

Any way to get her to see how much she's hurt this girl?

I think people bully out of weakness - she does sound very insecure, tbh. She's threatened by a cleaning job, by pjs from matalan, because she's not secure.

GrumpyOldHearsewoman · 19/10/2007 11:02

It sounds as though she is very secure - I have met the kind of sneering teenagers you are describing - they do exist in spades.

You are completely right to take away those things which mean the most to her. My sister has an overconfident DS (although he is much younger) and she has discovered that vey often he does not feel shame for his actions when he should, and that the only way to punish him is to withdraw his privileges. The 'guilt mechanism' is less keen in some than others, and in these cases it is important to tap into their weak spot to illustrate the seriousness of their actions. I think a sharp shock (like the involvement of the police) would not be a bad thing if it is the only thing that will make your DD take notice and think about what she has done, otherwise the feeling of invincibility she and her friends seem to have is very hard to erode.

themoon66 · 19/10/2007 11:10

Girls can be so vicious and cruel I think. DD went through this stage at about 15/16 years old. She could be a real little cow when with certain 'cool' mates she wanted to impress.

She didn't stay on to 6th form, chosing to go off to college instead. She changed completely when away from the bitchy cool crowd. These days she is very kind, loving and generous towards her new university friends. And she is the first to jump to the defence of people she thinks are getting picked on.

So, going on this experience, I would say your best bet is to get your DD well away from her 'cool' crowd. Perhaps the best thing would be if the school asked her to leave and she transferred to a college to finish A-levels.

Sounds drastic I know, but it could be the answer.

doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 11:14

The school is private (mixed 6th form but this is all amongst the gitrls). If it had been state I think she would be out on her ear.

She has just come home - repentant but defiant, if that makes sense. It was her friend that wrote the note (apparently) but it does not matter whose writing is actually on the paper - they both did it.

If this is on her files and she gets expelled over this - I don ont know the stance of the bullied childs parents - then would a college take on a 'known bully'.

Fck.

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Carmenere · 19/10/2007 11:22

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say how sorry I am, this is a horrible situation.

themoon66 · 19/10/2007 11:33

The college would interview her and take her on if she seemed repentant I think. Also, they would likely take her grades into consideration etc.

Budababe · 19/10/2007 11:43

Poor you - it is so awful when your child lets you down like that. DS is only 6 but we had an incident last summer where he and a friend were horrible to an adult in a playground as they thought she was Hungarian and couldn't understand them. She was actually a mum from school - international school and she did speak English. I was so horrified and angry.

It sounds like your DD and her crew need taking down a peg or two. I would encourage the police involvement - may be enough to scare them. I would ground her. I would take away all privileges. I would personally take her to the house of the girl they have been bullying and make her apologise in front of the girl and her parents.

Then I would look up threads here on MN from some posters who were bullied at school and make her read them and try to understand how they feel.

I would also point out that little gangs like hers can easily turn on their own. If that it the kind of people she is friends with she must be prepared to one day be on the receiving end if someone decides she is not 'cool". A Mum in Matalan PJs may be enough to do that!

dolally · 19/10/2007 11:46

where does the money in the bank come from?

can you freeze that money?

can she then be advised that to earn any pocket money she will have to take the cleaning job?

she's not too old for any of these measures imo. And they are not petty.

Presumably you thought that a private school, a laptop, money in the bank etc would be a great privelege for her and she would appreciate how lucky she is. Now do her another favour and let her have a sharp dose of reality. Take it all away? Move her away from this group of kids too.

Poor you and your dh...not an easy one.

themoon66 · 19/10/2007 11:50

On a lighter note.... consider sending her to school in MATALAN CLOTHES

shimmy · 19/10/2007 11:53

I'd also make it clear to the school how horrified you are and that you are not attempting to defend or excuse dd's actions. In that way they are more likely not to expel her.

Ask for a meeting with the school and dd and explain to the school what you have done so far. Then ask them for help and let them know you want to work with them to make sure dd realises that this must never ever happen again.

I'd personally want to suggest that dd makes a public apology to the girl but only if that would be positive for the girl herself.

jesuswhatnext · 19/10/2007 12:02

i am coming at this from both angles, dd has been on recieving end and seemed to decide that 'if you cant beat them, join them' she is also at private girls school.

i will NOT tolerate the snooty attitude in regards to the 'matalan' issue, when you EARN your own money you can be as choosy as you like, until then bloody well realise that WE have to earn this money and its damned hard work, i will NOT buy branded goods simply because 'everyone else has them'

as to the bullying, i shoved her in front of the mirror and pointed out every small defect i could find (sounds cruel dont it!) just bought home to her that 'she ain't all that! i also pointed out that being a total bitch shows such immaturity that plainly she was not adult enough to do all the social things she wanted (days in london, clubbing, etc) sure, there will always be people we don't like but hell, live and let live!
i would also tell her that while your dinner guests are in the house she is to stay upstairs in her room as you don't want her souring an otherwise lovely evening with her crap attitude, when she acts like a grown-up she will be welcome, until then, stay the f away
as to sixth form, i'm insisting that she go to state school and mix with the real world, i think that they can get to the point at private school where they simply don't realise just how lucky and priviledged their lives have been!

themoon66 · 19/10/2007 12:05

I confirm what Jesus just said.... they DO need to mix with the real world. Going to college fixed my DD.

doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 16:57

Dh is going to ring the headmaster and ask for the other parents phone number (that of the bullied girl). We are going to invite them and their daughter here to sort it out - and get my dd to apologise.

What do you think?

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doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 17:32

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singingmum · 19/10/2007 17:51

Be prepared for a rejection from other girl and her family.They may feel it's a little to much right now especially if their dd is v.upset and scared.Think it's worth doing anyway just to assure them that you are dealing with what your dd and her friends have done.Sometimes just knowing that the parents of the bully are good people who want to stop the prob can help.

TwigorTreat · 19/10/2007 18:00

I would send them an apologetic letter telling them how seriously you take it and that there is no excuse, let them know that you would like to invite them to meet with you? (maybe with children or without ... at your house or somewhere neutral) and give them the phone number if they'd like to

you have to give them all the power in this

as for your DD .. I don't know

I think you should do the grounded and withdrawal of privileges and I wonder if you should write her a letter telling her exactly how you feel at hearing that the child you love could be so brutal and unfeeling .. that you expected more and that you know deep down this is not her .. tell her that you will always love her but that you are horrified and embarrassed by her actions .. leave her an open door to approach you and ask her how she feels she should be treated now?

Elizabetth · 19/10/2007 18:03

I think you need to talk to her and find out why she's doing this.

It's OK not to like people, it isn't OK to bully them because of that dislike. That's the part she doesn't seem to understand.

I'd be very wary of inviting the other girl and her parents round. First off it should probably be on their territory if anything happens and secondly there isn't really anything to sort out, she just needs to apologise and not to it again. Any discussion or defence from her will simply be adding insult to injury to the girl she's hurt.

Congratulations on dealing with this, so many parents don't want to know that their kids are behaving atrociously.

muppetgirl · 19/10/2007 18:05

I agree with all that's been said and totally understand how bl**dy angry you feel.

Just humour me a little...

How about sitting down with your dd and calmly just discussing the issues she has with the other girl. Why does she hate her so much? What does she do that makes her, in your dd eyes, such a bitch?
What did she mean 'you are dead this evening?' Ask her what she was planning to do?

I think she's expecting you to be angry, go off the deep end and she's quite prepared for that with her, no doubt well practised, sneering attitude. What about surprising her instead?

I would still withdraw all privilages and suspend money. Give her jobs/tasks that she has to do in order to earn money and your respect back.

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