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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Lost my cool.....arghhhhhh

15 replies

goinfriggincrazy · 16/09/2007 17:03

Have a 12 yr old daughter whose behaviour is steadily geting hard for me to deal with and keep calm.Shes always been "difficult" fairly spoilt by grandparents and never had any interest in learning/school.
Has no interest in hygiene (had many talks about personal hygiene.bought various deodorants etc)and its still not sinking in all we get is "I don't really care" and a shrug of the shoulders,we are currently on week 6 of not brushing teeth (I know, because the toothbrush is still in her bag from staying away with relatives.I refused to unpack her dirty stuff and wash bag).Wouldnt bath unless basically bribed into it.....etc.This isnt something new,but now its getting even more apparent how unhygenic she is compared to girls of her age,I mean at 12,you know to wipe and flush etc..I feel like banging my head against the wall.
Constantly throws strops,backchats and is verbally abusive to me whether people are here or not.
I'VE JUST LOST MY COOL.......she told me to "get lost and I WILL DO AS I damn well please" in the kitchen (in front of her grandfather and her 4 yr old brother).I said I wouldn't take abuse like that from a 12 yr old and told her to go to her room.She refused for 2 or 3 minutes and I THOUGHT TO MYSELF WHAT THE F*CK AM I DOING SQUABBLING WITH A CHILD....and....yeah I KNOW I shouldn't of but I lost the plot so much my throat hurts from screaming at her.This is a contant thing...just being bloody minded and having the last word with EVERYTHING.We have had the stealing from my purse and her brother's moneybox,refusal to do ANY homework,lying...but its not new ,its just getting worse.

I'm just soooooo fed-up with it all.I'm tired of the constant bolloxy attitude and also we now have her brother thinking its funny to be backchat and be rude to me

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

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claricebeansmum · 16/09/2007 17:07

You know what - I would let her fester - quite literally. Stop nagging and reminding her. Only do her laundry if it is in the proper dirty laundry department. Book her in with the dentist and let him/her tell her all about her teeth. And sooner or later her friends are going to start talking about her...

At 12 she is old enought to know and learn the consequences of her actions.

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MaureenMLove · 16/09/2007 17:14

I feel for you. I've had the mother of all rows with my 12 year old today. Although, not quite on your scale! The thing that bugs me the most, is that if an adult spoke to me in the way she does sometimes, I would tell them to f*ck off! but you just can't. I was nearly in tears this morning, when I found her PE kit screwed into a ball in the bottom of her bag. When questioned if she wanted to do PE dressed like that, she just shrugged and said 'I don't care really.' WHAT!!! I told her she'll look like a flea bag and the other girls will start talking about her, but she really doens't care! I think Clarice is right, let her stew in her own mess, she'll have to learn the hard way. Hard, I know, because she's your baby and you don't want people laughing at her, but its the only way.

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claricebeansmum · 16/09/2007 17:17

Cruel to be kind...

In our house if the washing is not in the dirty laundry boxes it does not get done

If your room is a pigsty I will leave clean sheets and clothes outside the door but I will not go in...but if room is tidy I will change beds without a murmur!

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goinfriggincrazy · 16/09/2007 17:18

Thanks for your swift reply.

Agree with the fester comment,I'm literally at the end of my tether and maybe its the only way forward..for her to have comments made about her body odour/greasy skin from friends,we've had a few comments from her about being picked on at school already and we've asked her "do you think that having no self respect for your appearance may have anything to do with it".....no response!! I am not being harsh,but something has to trigger her into acting her age and taking responsibilty for her personal hygiene,I'm dreading the start of periods if she continues to be so bloody difficult..

We'll see...

Shes still in her bedroom and I'm beginning to calm down now..

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goinfriggincrazy · 16/09/2007 17:20

Oh, I've refused to clean her room for over a year now.......minging is a understatement!

Agree with you both completely

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claricebeansmum · 16/09/2007 17:22

It's really hard but I am coming to the conclusion that you can guide and teach children but you cannot learn for them. It's frustrating but you have to stand back and let children make mistakes. It is really hard.

One day you'll be back on here posting "How can I get my daughter out of the bathroom - how can it take 40 minutes to get ready for school?"!!!!

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MaureenMLove · 16/09/2007 17:29

Starting her AF might be the moment it does change, you never know, you can but hope! I just get sick of my own voice. I try to reason and I try to pull at the heart strings, but its the looks! I honestly want to punch her on the nose at times! Is she having a really hard time at school? It does sound quite extreme actually, with all the not cleaning etc. My dd is clean at least, although I STILL have to check that she's cleaned her teeth! She does a least want to look nice and takes time with her hair and clothes, when she's out with her mates. Perhaps a call to her year head or pastoral teacher would get some answers.

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saggarmakersbottomknocker · 16/09/2007 17:34

The best piece of advice about teens I ever picked up on MN is this 'pick your battles'. Leave your nagging & fighting for the 'important stuff' - that which is illegal, immoral or annoying the neighbours

I would let the hygiene thing drop TBH. Leave her be. When she's screaming at you, quietly say that you will speak to her when she feels like being civil and walk away. It's really hard - and that's with boys - I have a 13 year old dd too and it's harder. When she's in a calmer mood just say that she is old enough to keep herself clean without you nagging, you love her to bits and that you're leaving it up to her now.

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choxanwine · 22/09/2007 16:20

I too had the mother of battles this morning with my 11 soon-to-be 12 year old DD - the usual scenario, and they are getting more frequent. I try to reason with her in a calm and controlled way but she's hellbent on making things as difficult as she possibly can, and I always end up with a sore throat and feeling miserable. I am trying to step back a bit but how do you ignore the way she turns every discussion into a blazing row? the disgusting state of her room? not washing in the morning before school? the backchatting? not clearing up her own mess? etc. She's always been a bit of a drama queen but now it's really belligerent and destructive. Sorry goinfriggin... not much help am I?

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hennipenni · 22/09/2007 20:47

choxanwine, I have a soon to be 13 yr old and have similar problems that any simple discusions are turned into blazing rows. I have now had enough ( also have 6 and 9 yr old DDs too). I have decided that any shouting from any of them results in me walking away from the situation. I do not clean up after them unless they are willing to help. I no longer will pick up dirty clothes from the floor whether it's underwear/uniform or anything else. All priveleges have been removed an have to be earnt back. I have had one of a evening with them, can you tell

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lottie91 · 22/09/2007 22:05

Im a teen, and i can tell you now! at 12 shes at secondary and soon enough she'll see all her makes making a big deal over self appearance and discussing shaving and such like and im pretty sure it'll make her want to join in. And if not then before long someone at school will say something to her, it might upset her but it will give her a short sharp knock! just give her time!
I dont want to seem personal but has she started her periods? cause if she hasn't when she does maybe then she'll take more care of washing etc as we all feel awfully grubby at the time of the month which might help!

Hope this helps!
x

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lottie91 · 22/09/2007 22:05

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Tortington · 22/09/2007 22:08

i so wouldnt let the hygeine thing drop - she will be calleed smelly soon by her firends and i think it is a poor show of her family - she represents her family and she ned sto be told to run a fucking bath and fucking well get in it.

do this

do that

they are lazy fuckers who wont do shit unless you ask them.

so ask them nicely
ask them nicely again
turn off the entertain,ment system of their choice

ansk them fforthrightly

shout at them

then

throw water over them

and maintain the mantra " i AM alpha female"

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Elasticbandstand · 22/09/2007 22:10

i tryto put myself in their shoes, usually after the event tbh, oh shit i should have said that.
or imagine that she is an adult.
basiclaly hear what you are saying to her and imagine what you would feel hearing it!
good luck