Advice on social care for teenage daughter

[skye2007]

I have been battling with my 15 yo dd for most of her short life it seems, recently though her behaviour has become more dangerous and her involvment with the police ongoing. She has run away numerous times, was found in the company of 2 young cadets after running away, recieved a police warning for burglery/other after she broke into a shop and did some damage, recieved another waning for vandilising a local shop and now has been charged with theft of a car driving without permission, no DL or insurance, for which her ase will go before the childrens panel soon. I have been requesting Social services input for some time now and finally someone is coming out to see me , she is also drinking alcohol regulary and coming home drunk, staying out late where I have to call the police, using drugs and having sex, she recently had the contraceptive injection without my knowledge or consent. She also is rude, swears at us and her sister and bullies her sisters friends. I have another dd who is younger and becoming quite distressed about her behaviour and who quite frankly has always had her needs come 2nd due to her sisters demanding needs. I am now putting younger dd needs first and cannot do this with 15 dd with me , hope this doesn't sound too harsh but after years of this with no light at the end of the tunnel we've all had enough and now feel the best place for her would be in care. Does anyone out there know what I should expect from social services, will they take her into care or am I stuck with no support as has been the case all along.
Please don't think I'm a bad mother , I am just trying to do wahts best for my other daughter and save her from anymore unpleasentness and give her the attention she deserves.

[EscapeFrom]

Ok

1. The best place for ytour daughter will not be in SS care. I know you are at the end of your tether, and I sympathise with the wish to do the right thing for all, but don't delude yourself here - SS care is never going to be ideal for children, and is even worse for teenage girls.
   
   
2. I think the contraceptive injection was actually a mature and responsible thing for her to do. Better that than pregnant.
   
   
3. Maybe what she needs is a boot camp. or Borstal may calm her down too.
   
   
4. Until you can speak to the social worker, what priveledges does she4 have? Where does she get her money? Hopw about confiscating nice clothes and shoes, and every time she steps out of line, burn something?
   
   I'm flying in the dark here, I hope someone with more experience comes along soon.

[unicorn]

I send my sympathies, it must be a total nightmare for you.
Do you live anywhere near Warrington?
There is a really good project ongoing which is aimed at troubled teenagers.
www.talkdontwalk.org.uk/professionals.htm

They may be able to offer some help or steer you in the direction of a similar project.
Worth a try?
hth

[Tortington]

where is she getting the money from?

i have been in (somewhat) of a similar position. In that my eldest son at age 14 was taking copius amounts of weed and i got to a point where i rang social services and said to them " look the effect this is having on my oter children and the family as a unit is just untenable, take him away ...take him away now"

to which they said - look he is your responsability until he is 18.

"EIGHTEEN" cried i

"yes mrs custardo eighteen."

that was it

no advice - they were pathetically useless.


and so, i sat my son down at the table and i said in a trez menacing tone - "look kid, social services won't have you - now this means i have to proper step over the line as a parent before they will take you away. YOU are MINE. All MINE and no -one will save you - you can't threaten me with social services becuase they won't come.

in short my love i have carte blanche and the dawn of a new era starts here."


i have grounded my son and locked him out when he hasn;t come home. - he slept int he shed

he got no money from me - and soon enough the freebie drink and drugs stopped

i bought him nothing - and then it wasn't long before he realised that actually lifes easier as an active member of the family.


you can ask the advice of parentline

i didn't find them useful but you might

i also looked up my local county council web site and researched support groups in the area - there was a support group for the family and friends of drug and alchohol abuse - their newsletter was quite useful

[themoon66]

You think you bring em up well, then all this shit happens. I wonder how I can have two children who are so different.

Poor you Skye2007. I believe Custado speaks the truth. Take away the phone/credit, internet access, all money etc.

You are the mummy remember. You are the boss of her.

[skye2007]

Thanks for your replies.
As for money , she has had a part time job for the summer, working at weekends which stops in a couple of weeks but then there's always the boyfriend, he's older with a job and frankly a bit stupid! I have never bought her a phone or maintained the ones she has "aquired" but she always seems to have credit. I stopped giving her pocket money when she spent it on drink, months if not years ago.
She doesn't have internet access as she posted photo's of her and her younger sister on Myspace which I was not aware of. I have tried to confiscate the phone, I think she would kill me , maybe a bit extreme but she's quite violent especially when she's been drinking, which is almost every night. I have tried stopping her going out but as I explained to the police she is bigger than me and a hell of a lot stronger, its just not physically possible. Tried talking to her and being strict, doeasn't work, tried being unfazed, not giving her attention for bad behaviour , she just thinks I approve.
What next???

[prettybird]

How about trying Custarod's advice: her version of tough love seems to have worked well with her ds.

Would you be able to follow through with looking your dd out if she wasn't in when she was supposed to be?

[BettySpaghetti]

I agree with the advice given that you should avoid her going into care. I worked in children's home for about 5 years and its not a place I would want any child of mine to be.

No matter how "bad" your DD seems now, if she goes into care she will add to her repertoire as she will be in an environment with young people with various problems.

These new behaviours she sees may appeal to her, or she may feel shes got to "do things" so as not to lose face - she may experiment with drugs shes never tried before, she may take up self-harming, she may start sleeping around and pick up a STD, she may get pregnant as he thinks its a way of getting her own place, she may start some low-level drugs dealing after getting introduced to some dubious older men.....these are all examples I've seen happen to young people who have gone into care.

You also have to consider that SS and the residential staff have strict guidelines to adhere to -their hands are tied when it comes to sanctions eg. they can't withdraw certain things like pocket-money, they can't physically prevent a young person from leaving the building etc. The young people quickly learn how to use everything to their advantage.

If your DD is at home , like Custy said, you can practice some tough love and withold things that will make her think.

Maybe look for input on a daily basis through education placement for example or at specialist projects designed to stop young people offending -get in tough with the Education Dept, Education Social work Team, Youth Offending/Probation Teams to see whats available and how she can be reffered.

Good luck.

[Tortington]

if anyo of my children attacked me - i would have them arrested.

going out when your grounded is a piece of piss. ..its getting back in thats the shitter.

take phone away.

take make-up away.

if she hits you get her arrested.

[skye2007]

Thanks for all your replies, its just nice to know I'm not the only one going through this! Got social worker coming round this morning to discuss what we do next. DD still up to no good, late home every night but doesn't appear to have been drunk this week, no money I guess.

[gobledegook]

so how did visit with social worker go? In my experience it depends where u live on how much help you get. Edge of London counties like Bucks, Berks, Surrey have crap services for teenagers if any. I know girl repeatedly tryed to commit suicide and they had to send her to North London teenage unit - no under 18 psch unit in surrey, only adult psychiatric residential units with seriously sectionable people inside available. I did some work in one and you wouldn't want DD in one for even an hour. Mum was told by social workers that there are so many cases to process that counsilling services in the area are refusing new cases - no money to pay counsellors. Hope your area is better. how did it go?