So, we're in the car and my son's friend (13) starts telling us about all the drugs you can buy in Camden....

[MumTheMysterious]

Yesterday, I took my son and his friend, |(both 13) out for the day. DS hasn't seen this friend for a long while. They are old primary school friends. Since we last saw said friend, he has undergone a transformation - grown six inches, dresses like an emo. He is keen to be super cool and is heavily into indie music, under 18 music events, cool fashion.... and apparently, drugs.

As soon as he got in the car, he regaled ds and I with stories of how his friends get given drugs for free(!) at Camden, how easy it is to get drugs at his school, lists of different drugs and their street names etc etc. He then started asking ds detailed questions to test his drug knowledge. When it became clear ds didn't know what he was on about, he started addressing his drug conversations to me and ignoring ds (who was obviously not cool enough for him...)

I told the friend a few drug stories of my own - famous musicians who have died or had severe problems due to drugs.

The day passed ok and both boys seemed to enjoy each other's company. However the talk of drugs was never far away and this friend told a lot of things to my ds that he probably didn't know. Things tbh I didn't know either

I did think about having a word with the friend's mother when I dropped him back - she is a freind of mine, though I haven't kept up with her much recently.

However, on their kitchen table was a very explicit illustrated book about drugs - written for an older teenage audience I imagine. It went into great detail ie comic book pictures showing how to inject yourself with herion and the likely effects (pros and cons) of doing this.

I can see now where the friend gets his knowledge from as he was looking at it when we were there. His mother was obviously fine about this.

I am not exactly anti drug, and have experimented, but it's never been my thing. However I know the boy's parents, especially the mother, still take drugs from time to time (while holding down responsible jobs). They do also tend to romanticise the whole druggy thing in a way I find distastful if I am honest.

I have never felt this in any way threatened my son if we spent time with them, but now I am beginning to wonder if this friend is a potential bad influence on ds......

Should I say something to the mother, break off all contact between ds and his friend or ensure that ds's drug education is stepped up a gear so he is not out of his depth when he sees his friend?

PS Ds thinks his friend seems very immature and all this drug talk of his is stupid.

[wastingmylife]

Hmm, difficult. I don't think it's worth speaking to the mother about it - she's obviously dealing with it the way she thinks fit judging by the book.

Your son will of course hear about drugs somewhere and it's probably a good thing that you were there on this occasion to balance the conversation! You have to make sure that your son hears your thoughts on the matter I suppose and keep the lines of communication open with him so that he can always come to you for advice.

As for the old friend, sounds like he'll probably drift his own way.

[MumTheMysterious]

yes, it's good I was there, but I just wish it wasn't an issue when they were so young. 14/15 maybe, but not 13.

I feel concerned about the friend, but feel it would do no good speaking to his mother. But just wondering if I should break off the friendship due to this difference of approach?

As I am the one responsible for driving my son over to see his friend (they live the other side of london to us) it is easy for me to let things lapse.

I am a bit torn as this boy is such an old friend of ds's and in many ways is lovely. I know his mother is too laid back to organise much between them, so if I don't do it, we will lose contact.

[frogs]

My dd1 is 12, and we live quite near Camden, which is the hippie liberal drugs capital of London. Most of her primary friends are at a very protected, strict Catholic school (as is dd1, but a different school) so this would be unthinkable for them. But she does have a few friends who are at the more liberal local schools, whose parents would probably take a similar line to your friend. Personally I'm not okay with this, and am very clear with her about why I feel that way.

In your position I think I would break off contact, tbh, and explain to your son very clearly why you don't want to see the family again, and you would prefer him not to either. If he really wanted to see this friend again, I would want to make sure that it was an organised outing closely supervised by me.

But I would also hope that my child would be sensible enough to understand why I didn't want the contact. The fact that your ds himself thinks his friend is immature suggests that he might accept this line coming from you.

[abbymeg]

From what you've written it sounds like the two of them are growing apart anyway. It also sounds - which should be a massive reassurance to you - that your son is still quite naive about drugs, which suggests he isn't that interested. Most 13 year old boys are still boyish, and the ones - like your friend's son - who boast and brag about adult things are often doing it to make themselves sound much more wordly-wise than they actually are. As a teacher of many teenagers, I find the ones that are known drug-users tend to keep their habits very quiet.

If you are really uncomfortable about his influence, then I wouldn't arrange days out with this boy. You never said how eager your own son is to see him? Plus, is your son an emo? If he's not, he probably won't stay interested in knowing this boy for long? 13 is around the time - year 8/9 - that the cliques are established and identities are forming. Many, many primary school friends are left behind, and given that these two aren't even at the same school, discouraging a relationship should take very little effort on your part.

I hope everything works out with this for you. Drug taking is such an emotive issue and one that all of us parents would like to avoid s long as possible! 13 is early. It does sound like you have a really good relationship though, keep chatting about things like this to him.

[MumTheMysterious]

Thanks,

No my son isn't an emo, though he likes some indie and emo bands and really wants to go to some under 18 concerts. Would like to go with his friend, actually. They do have some things in common.

I first met the friend's mother when ds and friend were tiny babies, so they have grown up together. That's why I feel hesitant about breaking contact permanently. And also, feel sad if I have to tell ds the reason why. Such a loss of innocence somehow, to cite this attitude towards drugs as the reason. I too suspect it is all talk and not much else, but I worry if it will tip over into experimention soon, as I think friend's parents are very tolerent. But then it could all be just a phase - who knows?

I thought it was really nice for ds to keep in contact with old friends who are not part of his school peer group. I have always tried to ensure he has a social life that's not dependent on school, to give him variety and perspective.

Am still thinking on this. Thanks for the comments so far, frogs, wastingmylife and abbeymeg.

[Bluestocking]

It strikes me as a bit odd that the other boy was so keen to have this conversation in front of you, and to actually draw you into it. As one of the other posters says, real drug users tend to be rather more discreet, even when young. It sounds as though one of the ways this boy scores good marks with his mother is "sophisticated" drug chat, and I think, if anything, that the boy's mother is likely to be the bad influence. It's not a relationship I would encourage, I don't think.

[lljkk]

I think the other lad was trying to impress (and shock) you with how grown up he was by knowing about all drugs and drug culture.

Sounds like your DS has a good head on his shoulder -- has pegged his old mate precisely with the labels of "immature" and having a "stupid" obsession.

[MumTheMysterious]

Your point about the boy's drug awareness scoring marks with his mother is a telling one, bluestocking. I suspect this too. I also see her attitude as the main problem here.

I don't mind being corrected on this though. Perhaps permissive but very loving households (as this one is AFAIK) stand more chance of breeding level headed teenagers in the long run?

I am sort of thinking along the lines of no more get togthers till after christmas, just the odd phone call and christmas card, then try once again, to see if the phase has passed.

If, after another meeting, the boy's druggy attitude till seems too much, part of me is tempted to tell the mother something.

I would consider being open about my reasons for not being keen on the two boys meeting up at the moment. Even if this causes friction, in some ways I feel I owe it to this boy's mother to be honest with her.

I cannot believe I would be the only parent put off by this boy's precocious attitude. As the boy has lots of nice qualities, it would be a shame if his druggy showing off is depriving him of friends.

Any thoughts on this, please add.

[WideWebWitch]

Fab that your ds thinks it all immature. I think you should tell ds what YOU feel and trust him to use his own judgement wrt this friend. And tell him you are doing so.

You won't change the friend's mum by the sound of it or her attitude so the only thing oyu can do is influence your ds as best you can.

I'd also make an effort to spend time with boys who don#t do drugs etc since peer pressure is important at this age, so having peers who things drugs are rubbish will be a help I'd have thought.

(btw have taken loads of drugs in my time but not for past 10 years and really wouldn't again. Also really hope my childen don't!)

[WideWebWitch]

And I think if you were asked about it (why you're not keen on them seeing each other) by the mtoher you could say why. It presumably won't be news to her that not everyone shares her views.

[Mysam]

I suspect my teen (16) is smoking weed. He denies it and challenges me to test him , but where do I get efficient tests from?

[ListeningButNotHearing]

I would keep my DS discreetly well away.

This boy is normalising drug use.

Don’t tempt fate because you really don’t know how impressionable your DS might be.

I live very rurally in a beautiful county and even here drug use amongst the young is rife.

[Tinner01]

zombie thread!!! @Mysam start your own