Should I just go along with it

[chociholicsanon]

Hi all, this is my first post on MN, a friend told me you may be able to advise me.

My teenage dd is seeing a man nearly twice her age, obviously I hate this but im so afraid that if i push it I will drive her away.

She has asked my to respect her wishes and let her make her own mistakes, she is a bright girl but still only a child.

Should I take a step back or try to stop this relationship before it goes too far, she says he loves her but how can he love a girl her age?

[themoon66]

Blimey.... that could me typing that three years ago

My DD did exactly the same thing... she was 17 and he was early thirties and had walked out on his partner and son.

[Iklboo]

HOw old is teenage DD? If she's over 16 all you can really do is be there for her when it goes belly up and tell her to be careful contraceptive wise

[chociholicsanon]

Are they still together moon?
Shes 15, 16 in November, just dont know how to handle this?

[Iklboo]

choci - if they're sleeping together it's illegal & I think technically could be classed as paedophilia (in an extreme sense).

[ChipButty]

Speak to him. Does he realise your daughter is only 15?

[themoon66]

I had the same conversation...... I need to be able to make my own mistakes, I love him, he loves me, he treats me like a Princess, his mum is pleased for us so why can't you be?

She hung around with him for about10 months and then moved in with him.

One year later she dumped him when she realised what a waster he was. It was like the scales suddenly fell from her eyes. He became posessive and overbearing and, if there is one thing she hates, it is being bossed around.... she also gave him her student loan of £600, which he blew on rubbish.

In the end she saw him for what he was. But it didn't stop me and DH weeping for two years and feeling we had lost our daughter.

[chociholicsanon]

Yeah Iklboo the thought had crossed my mind but is it worth doing anything when shes nearly 16 and like I said before I dont want to push her away.

[meandmy]

make it known it is illegal if they are sexual at all untill she 16,
check she knows about contraceptives, and is on them appropriatly.
be there for when it goes bump

[RGPargy]

How old is this bloke?

[chociholicsanon]

I have spoken to her about contraception but she insists they arent doing anything, no matter hoe many times I ask her I get the same response.
I find it hard to believe that they wouldnt be doing anything.
Its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, does it ever come

[themoon66]

If you try and stop the relationship at this stage, she will hate you for it.

You need to take a step back and do as she says.... let her make her own mistakes. But, what I said to this was 'yes, you can make your own mistakes, but you have to live with those mistakes and not coming crying home to me.'

[themoon66]

Yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

When DD finally ended her relationship with git-face (as we called him) he immediately found himself another girlfriend, even younger... aged 15. He has since been seen around with yet another one.

I said to DD 'if you hadnt dumped him, he would have dumped you when you hit 20 as that would be too old for him'

PS: Your DD's bloke isn't called Kev by any chance is he?

[chociholicsanon]

How is your relationship with her now Moon?

[cluelessnchaos]

Cant tell you what to do from a mums point of view, my dd1 is only 10, but I have so much respect for you in taking a step back and weighing up all the options, I am not sure I could be so controlled. I can say when I was 17 I was seeing a 34 year old man, cant believe it now looking back and it slowly fell away, I think I was looking for someone who knew what they were doing but also on my side. It never really became sexual, I dont think I ever fancied him, just felt flattered that he fancied me.

Dont know if anyone can tell you what to do here but we all be here to listen and give an honest opinion.

[themoon66]

Our relationship is lovely now. She respects my views because I have been proved right of course!

When they broke up I had to pretend I was sad for her of course, but really felt like it was a weight lifted off me.

A dear friend of mine who is in her 60s gave me some wise advice at the time. She said... you will always get back from your children what you have put in. This has proved to be true time and time again. Underneath she hadn't really forgotten all our family values and lessons and, in the end, I got back a mature sensible girl who respects me because I have been proved right in the long run.

It's hard to bite your tongue in these early days, but you must try. Meet the bloke (if you havent already)and try and find something positive about him. Look at the way he treats her.... you'll be able to tell if he loves and respects her.

Keep posting on here if you want to rant and rave, rather than doing it at her and risk alienating her.

[chociholicsanon]

Thanks everyone for all your advice, i just wish i could see the end of it, I have met him but hes quite reserved if thats the right word, not sure if hes just nervous or what but doesnt really seem at ease, I suppose thats to be expected, he seems ok but everytime I look at him I just feel anger that hes stealing my little girls childhood.
DH & I are at our wits end and then we end up fighting out of frustration, is it natural to wonder 'where did we go wrong?'

[themoon66]

Git-face used to come round and sit on the sofa drinking DH's beer and saying nothing. DD said he was shy. 'Shy my arse' I used to say.... 'that bugger knows we're onto him'.

It was all I could do to stop DH hitting him. We used to fantasise about getting him beaten up, done over, arrested for something/anything.

I'm so glad now we let her get on with it, because she has come back to us a better person. She did learn a lot from it, although it was scary for us to sit back and let her at the time.

I did see git-face a few months ago crossing the road in front of me, just as the lights went green.... I revved hard and stared at him LOL

[chociholicsanon]

LOL thanks again its good to talk to someone on the outside, weve thought the same since they got together wether we would get away with reporting him, or getting him beat up, but either way it still causes DD pain and it may push them closer together.
Its a no win situation but its good to let it all out.
Do these relationships ever last, does anyone have a "happy ending" or do they all end the same way?

[ConnorTraceptive]

When I was 17 i had a relationship with a man who was 36. We didn't sleep together either. My parents left me to it and it came to a natural end without anymore drama than the usual teenage romance break up.

I know it's hard but you can only be there for her and make sure she is confident in herself.

[alucard]

When I was 18 I went out with a guy of 35. He was perfectly nice we did sleep together after about 8 months. It lasted about 18 months and I dumped him because I had grown up and changed and he hadn't. Its quite rare for someone to be with the person they were with at 15 for very long. At this age people tend to be in love with love rather than with the person. He might seem very sophisticated next to the 15 year old boys she knows. I would advise to make him part of your life so she doesn't feel that she has to leave home to be with him. By seemingly respecting her choice it will make her feel more grown up, which is one of the main feeling he will give her. If he is a waster then it might be easier for her to see that if she sees him in a family setting. Likewise if you arrange things to do with other teenagers, like having her friends from school over for a bbq and inviting him. There is a chance that in the company of her friends he might see her as a child and back away or she will think he looks a bit odd hanging around with kids.