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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

DS set to fail the lot

130 replies

themoon66 · 04/04/2007 12:24

The school have just rung me to say he hasn't handed in 4 out of his 5 pieces of coursework for English GCSE. English is his favourite subject, so god only knows what the other subjects are going to be like.

I spoke to his head of year who told me all the teachers are worried about him, and have been for a month or more now. They say they talk to him, but it's like there is nothing behind his eyes or any clues that he is even listening.

He is one of the cleverest in the school... predicted A stars all the way. I'm breaking my heart over what to do... sat here crying as I type

What can have happened to my clever, bright, sparky DS? It's like he has given up.

He has been off school all week with 'tummy ache' which he is doubled up with. Am waiting for the GP to ring me back with results of blood tests done on Monday. I am thinking now that its psycho-somatic and he is skivving school because he knows the shit is going to hit the fan this week, with course work being handed in etc.

He missed his Art GCSE exam yesterday and has done no coursework at all for that... so that one's a fail straight off.

What can I do? DH wants to kick him up the arse, but I think he must have depression or something.

Just wanted to type it all out on MN really to get my thoughts in order and try to raise some ideas of what to do next.

Sorry it's long.

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MamaG · 04/04/2007 12:26

Why are they only just telling you now??

I don't have teenagers moon, but I hope my advice will help: I would take him to the doctors to see if he is depressed.

Don't panic about exams, he can always either retake the exams in, I think, October, or the whole course at college.

Get his health sorted out and worry about the exams later.

Very best of luck, really sorry you're going through this

themoon66 · 04/04/2007 12:29

My DH is cross that the school have only just told us now, at the final hour. I don't want to blame them though. I thought DS would have said he was behind and come to talk to me. Worse, he has lied to me. I have asked him many times how he is getting on, is he keeping up, etc, and he always says he is fine..... lies!

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MamaG · 04/04/2007 12:30

Oh poor you

if he is depressed though, then maybe he was hoping he'd start to feel better and could pull it back himself IYKWIM? I do think school have been a bit lax though

Hassled · 04/04/2007 12:31

I'm in a similiar situation a couple of years ahead - DD is about to fail her A Levels, is depressed and it's too damn late to do anything. But remember they're young, they have their whole lives to retake - there's clearly something on DS's mind (panic, pressure, not dealing with stress - or social/friends problems?) and you need to get to the bottom of that first. The exams don't have to be a priority. I think teenagers have so many pressures put on them, both peer pressure and academic stuff - they're dealing with things most adults would struggle to cope with and at the same time they have strange new hormones rushing around, and in many ways are still little kids emotionally. Please try not to stress too much about the GCSE's - there is always next year, or the year after.

fortyplus · 04/04/2007 12:34

Sounds as tho he's been under a huge amount of pressure to live up to the A* predictions.

Take a deep breath, tell him it doesn't matter - he will be able to re-take them.

No one cares in the long term what GCSEs anyone gets - they are just a passport to A levels, University etc.

If you pile on the pressure now he will never reach his potential.

Take a step back and let him work all that out for himself.

themoon66 · 04/04/2007 12:48

Thank you all for the helpful comments.

The GP has just rung me to say all his blood tests are normal apart from one with slightly raised biliruben. Not sure what that means.

Anyway, GP wants to see him this afternoon to examine him again and we have to take a urine sample with us.

When I talked to the teachers they were asking about his social life, who his friends were etc. It dawned on me just now.... they think he is on drugs I bet

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MamaG · 04/04/2007 12:48

Let them think what they like moon - sod em!

hopefully GP will be able to srot him out

themoon66 · 04/04/2007 12:52

He is definitely not on drugs.... he lives like a hermit in his bedroom for one thing. TBH, he rarely sees daylight! He only has one friend who comes round about twice a month.

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CloudCuckooLand · 04/04/2007 12:53

bilirubin is something to do with the liver I think - did they test for glandular fever and the like?

I'm really sorry to hear this, the moon.

I didn't fail my exams but was incredibly low at around this time. The teachers also suggested drugs to my parents but it is clear to me now (decades later!) that I was properly depressed. No-one took me to the GP and I was just told to 'get on with it'. Took me a long time to sort myself out.

Just wanted to say, I know you probably feel really cross with him (and very concerned) but if he is depressed, he's probably feeling absolutely awful about it all atm. If the GP rules out health issues, push for counselling.

themoon66 · 04/04/2007 13:02

Thank you CCL. I'm not really cross with him TBH, more worried about him and upset that he didn't come and talk to me.

I will certainly ask about the counselling option if it turns out he is depressed. Dunno what the waiting list for counselling is like though.

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CloudCuckooLand · 04/04/2007 13:05

most important thing is that you are there for him now - I really hope you can get to the bottom of it all. Must be very worrying for you.

zippitippitoes · 04/04/2007 13:10

my thoughts from your post were perhaps he was being bullied?

custy · 04/04/2007 13:13

hay babe - this isnt glib - its really really not

but there is always next year and college.

i do think that you need to make it clear tohim that sitting in his bedroom isn't an option and that if its not resits its shelf stcking at tesco.

its never too late to learn.

even if he did a year shelf stacking at tesco and came to his senses - its not like the cut off date came and went!

theres no cut off with education. you can always learn.

snowleopard · 04/04/2007 13:14

Yes, take the pressure off - he sounds as if he's had enough. These thinsg don't matter in the long run - he can retake, and people who drop out spectacularly at school often go on to be hugely creative and succcesful. FWIW I went to pieces during my A-levels and came out the other side in the end, with no harm done. He needs your love, support and listening ear and I bet eventually he will open up. No matter what the problem is, you love him, you always will and you are always there - that's what he needs to know.

CloudCuckooLand · 04/04/2007 13:16

yes, I agree with custy. I wish someone had taken me aside and told me to 'chill' (wrt exams) a bit. I too sat in my room on my own day in day out.

After speaking to the doc and formulating what to do, it may be that a change of schools is in order. It sounds like he could do with a new start.

Lilymaid · 04/04/2007 13:22

My sympathy with you and your DS. I too have a DS taking GCSEs this year and I know it is a very stressful time. I'm surprised the school hasn't been after the course work earlier as much is done in Year 10. The important thing to remember (as he won't realise this at his age) is that there is all the rest of his life ahead in which to take exams and do more enjoyable things too!

themoon66 · 04/04/2007 13:23

He has actually applied to college and the local grammar to do A-levels. The grammar offered him a place, no problem, and he says it's his first option. He isn't keen on college, after looking around it.

I told him he can leave at 16 if he likes. He told me he only wanted to stay at school. Odd... he wants to be there and he doesn't want to be there!

Anyway.... off to GP with him now.

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themoon66 · 04/04/2007 13:24

And yes, Custy, I am going to have to be firm about how hiding in the bedroom is not an option.

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nowornever · 04/04/2007 17:07

//[hug] i hate the whole exam thing - the timing is so wrong for some kids. Lots of excellent advice here but he is going to have to face the music - if the doctor can't find anything wrong with him (glandular fever/depression) it's retakes next year, or stacking shelves until he decides what to do next. Only advice is do NOT let him do nothing on your time and money.

fizzbuzz · 04/04/2007 20:06

Isn't bilirubin to do with jaundice? That would account for stomach ache.......

themoon66 · 04/04/2007 21:59

Well, GP gave him a good once over and urine test. He is not jaundiced, but has been referred for an ultrasound examination on his gall bladder. He has been given co-codamol and a muscle relaxant called Buscopan and seems a lot better since taking it.

We had a good talk in the car - its a 20 min drive to GP each way. He doesn't want to leave school, is desperate to do A-levels and a degree in the hope that they will be more interesting than GCSEs which he says are 'boring'. When I asked him why he hadnt done the course work, he said 'its boring and time went on and i kept thinking i couldnt be bothered coz its boring, so somehow it just never got done'.

Anyway, I said if he finished one bit tonight I would proof read for him and take it up to school tomorrow. He has now presented me with an amazingly well written 5 pages analysing the conflict in Romeo and Juliet, with cross references to some ancient chinese book called The Red Mansion.

I was gobsmacked. He is so bloody clever and articulate when he tries a bit. I want to smack him hard!

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ThePrisoner · 04/04/2007 22:16

I've got 3 dds who have been through the dreaded GCSEs, A levels and beyond. What I used to say to all of them, to the absolute despair of their teachers and many of our families/friends - there are more important things in life than exams.

It wasn't meant as a "you don't have to bother" type of comment, but I have suffered appalling depression at times, and didn't want any of my children to feel that there was any pressure on them to perform.

Of course, I did want them to do well (and they have ... phew), but I certainly didn't want this at the expense of their sanity.

Exams can be retaken, subjects and schools/colleges can be given up or changed. What others have said here is so true.

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themoon66 · 05/04/2007 09:58

Reading all the comments on this thread as really put things back into perspective for me. It is so true that exams can be retaken.

I think we all tend to fall for the hyped-up pressure over all this, the school put the pressure on and the media hype up how stressful exams are, league tables, universities cherry picking, etc, etc.

Left DS at home with DH today. He is going to do another piece of English ready for me to proof read when I get home at 3pm.

His head of year is emailing me today with everything that is missing from all the other subjects. If it turns out to be so much it outfaces him, we shall have to look at putting some stuff on the back burner till re-sits I suppose.

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fizzbuzz · 05/04/2007 12:59

What mystifies me as a teacher, is why the school left it so late to tell you.

I send a blizzard of moitoring slips home between Jan and 1/2 term, so parents know

themoon66 · 05/04/2007 13:17

Fizzbuzz... Why the school didn't tell us sooner is what annoys me too. We were only up there six weeks ago having one to one interviews for sixth form. Odd.

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